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The Root Of The Sickness
12 years ago
Not officially "back", just wanted to air some thoughts, since life has still continued to slowly but surely fall apart around me, and I continue to devolve further and further into my descent towards complete self-destruction. I finally understand why I am where I am. Why I've been stuck here, even -after knowing what my condition is and seeking professional help in the past.
I've convinced myself that I deserve it.
Not just the disorder ... -Everything-.
Plans falling apart all because I get upset about something ... being hurt by the things people I care about say and do ... my physical health falling apart ... my mental health falling apart ... physically destroying and abusing my own body ... the never-ending feelings of enraged frustrated helplessness and the numbed bitterly-accepted despair ... all of it because I feel as though I deserve it. My self-loathing is THAT intense.
I don't work towards getting better because part of me doesn't WANT to get better. Wants me to STAY in this hell, suffering like this, ruining my life like this ... because it's supposed to be my life-long punishment. I remain stuck because the half of me that thrives off of it is the one that's in control, and the part desperately screaming and struggling for a way out has just been stuffed further and further down. My disorder runs my life, because I -let- it. I really AM fucked...
Now i feel a whole new level of despair. Even if i -do- go back to therapy in the next few months, what then? How is it not just going to end up the same way it always has? Starting out so motivated and full of hope, and then it's just a slow fall right back into the same pit. What if that's the whole point of the cycle...? To let me built back up just enough so that it hurts that much more when it all breaks down?
I'm not proud to admit it, but I've ... been self-harming more frequently and worse than ever lately. I've regressed back into not even being able to look my own reflection in the eyes anymore. I'm disgusted by who I see. I DESPISE who I see. And I want nothing good for that person. I'm stuffed full of hate to the point of bursting. And i know that THAT is what's keeping me from a normal life. It's also the one fucking thing i have NO idea how to get past. It's plagued me almost the entirety of my life. I literally can't even remember anymore what it felt like to NOT hate myself and be disgusted by myself. I'm sure I was, at one point. When I was really little, and hadn't really begun to be worn down by life yet ... but I just honestly don't remember how that felt. That loathing has become as much a part of me as my skin, my bones, my flesh ... just something that's always been there. Not being able to remember life without it.
Can that even BE undone and repaired...? I don't know. I just honestly don't know.
I've convinced myself that I deserve it.
Not just the disorder ... -Everything-.
Plans falling apart all because I get upset about something ... being hurt by the things people I care about say and do ... my physical health falling apart ... my mental health falling apart ... physically destroying and abusing my own body ... the never-ending feelings of enraged frustrated helplessness and the numbed bitterly-accepted despair ... all of it because I feel as though I deserve it. My self-loathing is THAT intense.
I don't work towards getting better because part of me doesn't WANT to get better. Wants me to STAY in this hell, suffering like this, ruining my life like this ... because it's supposed to be my life-long punishment. I remain stuck because the half of me that thrives off of it is the one that's in control, and the part desperately screaming and struggling for a way out has just been stuffed further and further down. My disorder runs my life, because I -let- it. I really AM fucked...
Now i feel a whole new level of despair. Even if i -do- go back to therapy in the next few months, what then? How is it not just going to end up the same way it always has? Starting out so motivated and full of hope, and then it's just a slow fall right back into the same pit. What if that's the whole point of the cycle...? To let me built back up just enough so that it hurts that much more when it all breaks down?
I'm not proud to admit it, but I've ... been self-harming more frequently and worse than ever lately. I've regressed back into not even being able to look my own reflection in the eyes anymore. I'm disgusted by who I see. I DESPISE who I see. And I want nothing good for that person. I'm stuffed full of hate to the point of bursting. And i know that THAT is what's keeping me from a normal life. It's also the one fucking thing i have NO idea how to get past. It's plagued me almost the entirety of my life. I literally can't even remember anymore what it felt like to NOT hate myself and be disgusted by myself. I'm sure I was, at one point. When I was really little, and hadn't really begun to be worn down by life yet ... but I just honestly don't remember how that felt. That loathing has become as much a part of me as my skin, my bones, my flesh ... just something that's always been there. Not being able to remember life without it.
Can that even BE undone and repaired...? I don't know. I just honestly don't know.
Anyway, just ... thanks. Really, I mean it. It means a lot to know people are willing to reach out to someone like me and do their best to bring them hope and comfort. <3
So you say you've hated and harmed yourself because you feel like you've deserved it.
But why?
What have you possibly done that would merit a life-long punishment of emotional torment? How could you, or anyone for that matter, even gain such a torturous karmaic sentencing?
I believe despite what you may have done in the past, whether intentional or not, whether malicious or otherwise, you cannot possibly have done something that can get you to that point.
Or maybe you believe you're at fault for something out of your control. I've been there. And I've left that place as well. After coming to the realization that lives are lived. Mistakes are made. People repent. Others forgive. We all grow soulfully and emotionally. You have to let go of any blame. Blaming happens only during the moment of action or the moment of discovery. Then recovery takes place. Let go of any fault you may have over yourself for anything wrong you may or may not have done. Any punishment won't help you become a better person, no matter how severe. Improving yourself will. Allow yourself to forgive yourself and keep walking forward.
Why? Because THAT'S what you truly deserve. We all do.
THAT is why I need to get professional help, and find a way to make peace with and forgive myself, after literally almost an ENTIRE lifetime of feeling this way about myself. Until I do that ... I can't even BEGIN to tackle learning how to live with my disorder. Because that self-destructive desire to stay wounded and miserable just simply won't LET me move on into a healthier way of life.
I feel like I'm an old soul that's run too many lives too close together, and I'm so freakin' tired all I wanna do is die and take a break. My family, husband, then my kids, gave me reasons to live. I've pretty much given up working for myself, now. I just try to do what others need and my own needs come last. Not perfect, but it seems to help.
Oh, and a small detail...you can't fully serve others if you're not in good shape, yourself. XD Gets me every time.
I need to find a meaningful existence for MYSELF. I have to learn to recognize and appreciate my OWN sense of value. I'm only 27 (going on 28 next month) and I have a LOT of time left to fix this and have a normal life. I'm not going to let this mental parasite rob me of that, and wound all the people I care about along the way.
So ... I appreciate the suggestion, but I don't want to survive based on nothing but emotional life support. I want to get past this, thrive, and live for myself, because -I- want to. Not because I'm tethered to others.
And trust me, emotional or not, your family still loves you. But you already know that.
Perhaps you should start like some do with meditation. When you feel an itch, you say, "It's there. It's OK." And then you move on to dealing with it depending on your level. Maybe you should start by understanding who you are is OK.
Just throwing out ideas hoping one might be what you need. Please, it's not advice, just ideas! XD
whichever you prefer.