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A strange turn
12 years ago
Im sorry i have to be all negative in my journal again, but as i said in the earlier journal: It really helps me to speak out like this.
What im about to write is simply a text about how i discovered myself, and who i am .. and how im seen in general. If it bores you too much, dont bother reading, im not here to take your time.
Some of this might sound familiar in any other journal i have made, but im sorry if it does, im just going to tell it anyways.
Ever since i joined fa, alot of strange .. new things have happened to me... but lets start way back when i acturally started this whol vore thing ..
Back on Ekas portal, i followed alot as a 18 year old .. alot of hot stuff appeard there.. Vore was .. quite the fetish for me, and i spend alot of time checking for uploads and stuff, just to have some fun ..
I usually favorited stuff like .. unbirth and .. general oral vore back then, but so much have happended, i get back to that ..
When i decided to acturally make a user on Ekas portal, i were quite a horrible artist. I drew only mange and anime characters, and gave em horrible names xD .. it was quite fun though.
I uploaded nearly everyday and i started to get a few watchers... some of em, very chatty c: ..
My quality of art were .. as i said, horrible, and i even disliked it myself. But i kept uploading, comming up with craaazy ideas from my mind, and what im really into at the point where i drew the artwork. I was very horny .. but also lonely.
Thing is, i couldnt talk to girls at all.. yep, its very true, and to be honest .. i think i acturally still can. It might sound sad to you .. but really, i have a good lifestyle, and my family is very supportive <3 .. But i still have my social issue with ever talking to girls.
Im not trying to barrier them .. and label em something different .. we are all humans, and there shouldnt be anything different about it but to be one self. But im still anxious.
Im very shy, silent, happy.. but i cant get it out of my head that, i need that extra soul in my life.
I started to draw mlp vore on ekas after years of break, and i gained tons of watchers and i passed 1000000 pageviews ( .. you are all so awesome! <33 i love you all!).. just before that, i decided to continue my uploading here on Furrafinity! a place i never acturally thought i would be, kind of wierd.
(Before any thought starts, bear in mind that im an open person, and i would never judge anyone on their kinks, behaviour or looks, i love furries aswell as any other person <3 )
First, alot of curious watchers arrived, and then some old watchers i had from Ekas portal. I had a really good time! i never really drew that much up untill that point! i made SO meny works, and it kept being enjoyable because of my watchers joining my stream and make me laugh all the time!
Of course, it lasted long, but i ended up feeling, lonely again. I got bored of drawing and started to do em with large breaks between em. I ended up just .. sitting and played League of legends all day with my friends, it was lots of fun, but later in the evenings, i feel cold and lonely. I didnt have anybody to talk to there.
One day i stumbled upon some chatty lizard, and im sure you guys know who it is, so im not gonna put so much detail in that.
One thing you guys didnt know was that .. it also happended to be my very first love in my life.
yes, i havent had a girlfriend before that point.
Alot of good months went by, and i felt happy, and im sure she did too.
Here is where some discoveries begin.. i shouldnt hold back, im still a virgin, and i probably will be for untill whatever, but its beside the point. Thing is that, i discovered that, my anxiety wasnt gone, i still couldnt talk to girls ..
This caused a problem, and i got afraid and did something very very stupid.. i wont go in details .. and you dont need em.
Things escalated, and we broke up, it was me breaking up, i dont wanna change anything ...
I really liked her, so me breaking up would sound crazy right? .. well .. it is crazy .. i shiver at the thought of what i did.
But whatever happended, i broke any trust in me, and i understand that .. but the more i think about it .. the more i get afraid of myself.
Im afraid that i might never be able to make a girl happy. I discovered that im a hopeless romantic.
I want to be the perfect guy, but its out of reach, i cannot do it, my anxiety wont let me recover and take on a new challenge .. i tried my best to find accept from others or her in the way i am.
I swear, i never intent to hurt anyone .. not even when i broke up. I was scared, afraid .. a chicken .. i started to worry of bonding .. i pushed her away and we didnt speak ..for long.
Those weeks, i constantly thought of what i did.. and how she felt .. i cried and felt i have just done some terrible misstake ...
and it was a terrible misstake .. cuz it turns out, that any trust in me, was broken..
All of this .. is past now, and now i wanna talk about what is more .. recently happening around me:
I have been alone for so long now .. but me and her are still good friends, and i desire to be her friend for as long time ticks... but even though we talk and draw together .. i still feel an empty burning in me .. something that wont go away.. im still lonely. I tasted love, and i want one i can hold dear .. one i can protect and really learn to know... thats all i want.
But i still fear .. i fear my anxiety will throw me off an edge again. My clumsyness make it a challenge for me, or if anybody would even like me as i am.
People say .. that im a good person, a lovable person and i believe i am, and i probably allways will.
Im not angry, im smiling, and i love to make others happy. and when others are down, i feel that too..
Even thought my personality gives an impression that im a good guy .. I cant help but fear of what others think of me. Thats why i usually shelter myself, becuase i cant ignore what people think of me .. i get stressed and i take .. drastic and sometimes wrong actions .. ones that make me seem even stupider than before .. and when that happens, things turn alot worse .. and i acturally look like a real douché ..
this is why i feel so misunderstood.. I just want a hug sometimes.
What im about to write is simply a text about how i discovered myself, and who i am .. and how im seen in general. If it bores you too much, dont bother reading, im not here to take your time.
Some of this might sound familiar in any other journal i have made, but im sorry if it does, im just going to tell it anyways.
Ever since i joined fa, alot of strange .. new things have happened to me... but lets start way back when i acturally started this whol vore thing ..
Back on Ekas portal, i followed alot as a 18 year old .. alot of hot stuff appeard there.. Vore was .. quite the fetish for me, and i spend alot of time checking for uploads and stuff, just to have some fun ..
I usually favorited stuff like .. unbirth and .. general oral vore back then, but so much have happended, i get back to that ..
When i decided to acturally make a user on Ekas portal, i were quite a horrible artist. I drew only mange and anime characters, and gave em horrible names xD .. it was quite fun though.
I uploaded nearly everyday and i started to get a few watchers... some of em, very chatty c: ..
My quality of art were .. as i said, horrible, and i even disliked it myself. But i kept uploading, comming up with craaazy ideas from my mind, and what im really into at the point where i drew the artwork. I was very horny .. but also lonely.
Thing is, i couldnt talk to girls at all.. yep, its very true, and to be honest .. i think i acturally still can. It might sound sad to you .. but really, i have a good lifestyle, and my family is very supportive <3 .. But i still have my social issue with ever talking to girls.
Im not trying to barrier them .. and label em something different .. we are all humans, and there shouldnt be anything different about it but to be one self. But im still anxious.
Im very shy, silent, happy.. but i cant get it out of my head that, i need that extra soul in my life.
I started to draw mlp vore on ekas after years of break, and i gained tons of watchers and i passed 1000000 pageviews ( .. you are all so awesome! <33 i love you all!).. just before that, i decided to continue my uploading here on Furrafinity! a place i never acturally thought i would be, kind of wierd.
(Before any thought starts, bear in mind that im an open person, and i would never judge anyone on their kinks, behaviour or looks, i love furries aswell as any other person <3 )
First, alot of curious watchers arrived, and then some old watchers i had from Ekas portal. I had a really good time! i never really drew that much up untill that point! i made SO meny works, and it kept being enjoyable because of my watchers joining my stream and make me laugh all the time!
Of course, it lasted long, but i ended up feeling, lonely again. I got bored of drawing and started to do em with large breaks between em. I ended up just .. sitting and played League of legends all day with my friends, it was lots of fun, but later in the evenings, i feel cold and lonely. I didnt have anybody to talk to there.
One day i stumbled upon some chatty lizard, and im sure you guys know who it is, so im not gonna put so much detail in that.
One thing you guys didnt know was that .. it also happended to be my very first love in my life.
yes, i havent had a girlfriend before that point.
Alot of good months went by, and i felt happy, and im sure she did too.
Here is where some discoveries begin.. i shouldnt hold back, im still a virgin, and i probably will be for untill whatever, but its beside the point. Thing is that, i discovered that, my anxiety wasnt gone, i still couldnt talk to girls ..
This caused a problem, and i got afraid and did something very very stupid.. i wont go in details .. and you dont need em.
Things escalated, and we broke up, it was me breaking up, i dont wanna change anything ...
I really liked her, so me breaking up would sound crazy right? .. well .. it is crazy .. i shiver at the thought of what i did.
But whatever happended, i broke any trust in me, and i understand that .. but the more i think about it .. the more i get afraid of myself.
Im afraid that i might never be able to make a girl happy. I discovered that im a hopeless romantic.
I want to be the perfect guy, but its out of reach, i cannot do it, my anxiety wont let me recover and take on a new challenge .. i tried my best to find accept from others or her in the way i am.
I swear, i never intent to hurt anyone .. not even when i broke up. I was scared, afraid .. a chicken .. i started to worry of bonding .. i pushed her away and we didnt speak ..for long.
Those weeks, i constantly thought of what i did.. and how she felt .. i cried and felt i have just done some terrible misstake ...
and it was a terrible misstake .. cuz it turns out, that any trust in me, was broken..
All of this .. is past now, and now i wanna talk about what is more .. recently happening around me:
I have been alone for so long now .. but me and her are still good friends, and i desire to be her friend for as long time ticks... but even though we talk and draw together .. i still feel an empty burning in me .. something that wont go away.. im still lonely. I tasted love, and i want one i can hold dear .. one i can protect and really learn to know... thats all i want.
But i still fear .. i fear my anxiety will throw me off an edge again. My clumsyness make it a challenge for me, or if anybody would even like me as i am.
People say .. that im a good person, a lovable person and i believe i am, and i probably allways will.
Im not angry, im smiling, and i love to make others happy. and when others are down, i feel that too..
Even thought my personality gives an impression that im a good guy .. I cant help but fear of what others think of me. Thats why i usually shelter myself, becuase i cant ignore what people think of me .. i get stressed and i take .. drastic and sometimes wrong actions .. ones that make me seem even stupider than before .. and when that happens, things turn alot worse .. and i acturally look like a real douché ..
this is why i feel so misunderstood.. I just want a hug sometimes.
Frankly, I share your concerns and worries. You strive to do the right thing,
you put others before you, and do what you can to make other happy so
you in return feel that sense of usefulness, like you did something that mattered.
It's best said, that you are who you are, and don't let others change that.
If you plan to change, then do it to better yourself, and learn from the past.
Life will have it's ups and it's downs too, but if believe your course of actions
has been in good taste and for the right reasons, then you're trying your best.
This is all just my sole opinion, but if you lead an honest and caring life,
then you're doing the right thing. Try to live for you, and not others.
Hopefully I didn't sound condescending or the like, but you can always PM
me or hit up one of my IM clients if you need to talk or flesh something out.
Remember, true friends care, and they help each other out, good or bad.
Cheers .. c:
nobody is perfect if people were we wouldn't have cheese doughnuts or chocolate chip cookies, embrace what makes you different and unique and work on your faults until they become strengths, you don't have to be perfect and no one expects you to be, you have many friends who love you for your flaws as well as your talents.
your a great person and a talented artist, and someone I am happy to know, we all get lonely sometimes, but hey, that just means your not alone in how you feel, its a shame we can't have our friends around us all the time, but the nice thing about friendship is the signal doesn't weaken with distance :3
Know that we are all here for you,
whenever and whatever.
And, no matter what, there will always be someone there for you.