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Sonic Unleashed, back to basics? (harsh review, lol)
17 years ago
Once again Sega goes on with saying this will be the game to put Sonic back to his roots. And of course as everyone knows Sonic 1 was full of maniacally deformed humans and werewolf specters breaking the shit out of everything.
I'll say this first, I liked the newer Sonic games. They had their problems, but they were small, and I still had fun with them. Sonic Unleashed is beginning to put the nail in the coffin. The normal Sonic stages are decent, but the werehog ones I have serious problems with.
First off, the modern enemy from the previous 3D games is back. No I'm not talking about Eggman I'm talking about the dreaded camera. In the werehog stages it tries to move around and show you where to go, most of the time while in mid-run or jump meaning you fly off in the opposite direction of where you were going. Not to mention it makes climbing ledges a chore; It's not simply pressing up that makes you climb up, you have to press in the direction according to where the camera is. Most of the puzzles I end up climbing up by rotating the control stick a dozen times, since this is the only way to find out which direction leads to the "up" command.
Speaking of Eggman, this still pisses me off. "Hey, let's take the villain and give him a funny nickname!" "Great! Now let's make that villain call himself that, completely defeating the purpose of that comedic nickname and making him look like an idiot in the process!" "Awesome, I like how you think Mr. Miyamoto!" "Miyamoto: Mwahahahahaha!" I will literally prance around my house like a giddy schoolgirl the day Sega brings back "Robotnik".
THIS GAME IS CORNY!
Next thing that Unleashed does to piss me off, cutscenes and dialogue. I love watching cutscenes, especially pretty looking ones. The ones in Sonic Unleashed make me SICK! They're corny as hell! Every 10 seconds there's either a corny joke, a gag, or an old 90's cartoon sound effect that makes me think the Road-Runner is gonna burst out of a wall and challenge Sonic to a race! Sega seems to think their target audience is getting younger! Apparently the only people who still play Sonic games are 9 year olds, and that excludes the 90% of them that are playing M-rated games now. What's worse? You can't skip them! I find myself actually muting the tv because I'm embarrassed to let anyone around me hear this garbage! The man's name is Professor Pickle for gods sake, PROFESSOR PICKLE!!!
Also, I don't know how they managed to do it, but they were able to turn Tails into even MORE of a pussy!
ADVENTURE STAGES
The adventure stages are unimaginative and bland. Not to mention Sonic runs pretty slow in them, stopping every once in a while to talk to someone, only to hear 90% of the time some irrelevant thing like "Don't mind Ma, she can't talk because she lost her dentures this morning." ZOMG NO WAI!!1! THAT'S LIKE SO INTERESTING LIKE OHMAGAWD! The adventure stages are pointless, plain and simple. they're a chore to progress through and it pisses me off when I have to talk to these people. In Sonic 06 I was fine with it, and unlike many people I'm fine with having humans in a Sonic game. Sonic 06 had decent looking human models, Unleashed has...something from Jimmy Neutron. When the fuck did Sonic travel to "The Land of Massively Deformed People Who Talk to you About Their Day." Come on, if I wanted to hear every damn tidbit about these people's day I would still be with my first girlfriend. XP
Another thing about adventure stages, you have to switch between day and night (Sonic and werehog), to progress in certain areas. This would be fine...if it changed right away without a loading screen AND if it was in rare occasions. Nope, here's how it goes: Break gate with werehog, change to Sonic, slide under wall to new area, change to werehog, flip switch and go to another new area, switch to Sonic, run along water path to other side, switch to werehog, climb up wall to destination...I have no comment on all of this, just "wtf". And yes, there is a loading screen every time you change forms, if you didn't already guess that.
WEREHOG STAGES!
These can be fun in certain ways. The combat's not bad, but primarily all it is is button mashing the whole time. There's a shield to protect you from attack, which is practically useless. The only time you ever get hit is when you're in the middle of a combo, which you can't use the shield during. I can't tell how many times I was attacking a robot, only to be killed by the robot BEHIND it which shot a laser through the first one and hit me. The puzzles are pretty easy, but take a long time, usually due to missed jumps (sometimes due to the camera). Basically all of them are just jumping to higher places, no biggie there. Again with the "Sonic's main audience appears to be 9 year-old prepubescent kids with downs-syndrome."
The thing I hated most though were the checkpoints. There's enough of them, but the placement is horrible at times. There's times I'll fight a large mass of enemies, do a jumping puzzle for 15 minutes, move on to the next area, be flooded with enemies, die, and then revert half-way back through the level and have to do everything all over again. Another thing I don't get, when doing the "critical attacks" where you have to push the indicated button, if you miss the button you take damage from the enemy. First off, I thought I was attacking and stunning you, why can you suddenly attack through me? Not to mention when you miss, the enemy's hit usually does a nice chunk of damage, half the time killing me. I'm almost tempted to not do those attacks at all. back to the button mashing then. Overall the stages are decent. You can have fun watching the flashy effects and all, but it's mostly childs-play.
Controls are "meh". You have to be completely still before flipping a switch or picking something up. You have to be looking directly at the object too, IE having it so closely shoved up your rectum you'd swear Sonic was using it to pleasure himself (cause we all know he doesn't like the ladies (HO HO I went there)). You'll spend a good 10-20 seconds running around an object just to get in position and stop long enough to pick it up.
SONIC'S STAGES!
Ah, what we all played this for; fast, uninterrupted speed runs. The level designs are good, and Sonic's stages are pretty fun to play. The only gripe I really have is how the cameras fixed close to you, meaning you hardly have any time to react to whats in front of you when in 2D. Most of the time all you have to do is hold right and press X to boost anyways, so it's pretty dull. The boss fights can be fun, but it gets really annoying for the fact Eggman seems to only have one line of dialogue which he says every 10 seconds. "See if you're fast enough to dodge this!", ok I did, "See if you're fast enough to dodge this!", alright, I did again, "See if you're fast enough to dodge this!", FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST KILL ME NOW!
SUMMARY, YAY!
Adventure fields:
Pros:
-Ano...
Cons:
-slow to move through
-lame objectives
-boring, fugly people
Werehog Stages:
Pros:
-mindless, flashy fun
-Can watch Sonic run on all fours XD
Cons:
-too much button mashing
-brainless puzzles
-cheap deaths and CPU AI
-shield is practically useless
-suffers from unresponsive controls
Sonic stages:
Pros:
-classic running fun
-some cool new, and some classic, moves
-fun level design
Cons:
-SOME are short
-close-up camera
-having to stop to do jumping puzzles XP
Overall, this game is "Meh". It's probably the first Sonic game I've thought about tossing before completion, mostly due to the horrible jokes and corny story.
Oh, and did I mention, as the werehog you can perform exorcisms on people...with a camera. First "werehogs" and now this. I swear this game shouldn't be called Sonic Unleashed, it should be called "GhostBusters". Seriously, the only way for this game to make any sense would be to say it was all just some horrible erotic fantasy of Slimer's.
Gah, I think I've been watching too much of Yahtzee's Zero Punctuation.
I'll say this first, I liked the newer Sonic games. They had their problems, but they were small, and I still had fun with them. Sonic Unleashed is beginning to put the nail in the coffin. The normal Sonic stages are decent, but the werehog ones I have serious problems with.
First off, the modern enemy from the previous 3D games is back. No I'm not talking about Eggman I'm talking about the dreaded camera. In the werehog stages it tries to move around and show you where to go, most of the time while in mid-run or jump meaning you fly off in the opposite direction of where you were going. Not to mention it makes climbing ledges a chore; It's not simply pressing up that makes you climb up, you have to press in the direction according to where the camera is. Most of the puzzles I end up climbing up by rotating the control stick a dozen times, since this is the only way to find out which direction leads to the "up" command.
Speaking of Eggman, this still pisses me off. "Hey, let's take the villain and give him a funny nickname!" "Great! Now let's make that villain call himself that, completely defeating the purpose of that comedic nickname and making him look like an idiot in the process!" "Awesome, I like how you think Mr. Miyamoto!" "Miyamoto: Mwahahahahaha!" I will literally prance around my house like a giddy schoolgirl the day Sega brings back "Robotnik".
THIS GAME IS CORNY!
Next thing that Unleashed does to piss me off, cutscenes and dialogue. I love watching cutscenes, especially pretty looking ones. The ones in Sonic Unleashed make me SICK! They're corny as hell! Every 10 seconds there's either a corny joke, a gag, or an old 90's cartoon sound effect that makes me think the Road-Runner is gonna burst out of a wall and challenge Sonic to a race! Sega seems to think their target audience is getting younger! Apparently the only people who still play Sonic games are 9 year olds, and that excludes the 90% of them that are playing M-rated games now. What's worse? You can't skip them! I find myself actually muting the tv because I'm embarrassed to let anyone around me hear this garbage! The man's name is Professor Pickle for gods sake, PROFESSOR PICKLE!!!
Also, I don't know how they managed to do it, but they were able to turn Tails into even MORE of a pussy!
ADVENTURE STAGES
The adventure stages are unimaginative and bland. Not to mention Sonic runs pretty slow in them, stopping every once in a while to talk to someone, only to hear 90% of the time some irrelevant thing like "Don't mind Ma, she can't talk because she lost her dentures this morning." ZOMG NO WAI!!1! THAT'S LIKE SO INTERESTING LIKE OHMAGAWD! The adventure stages are pointless, plain and simple. they're a chore to progress through and it pisses me off when I have to talk to these people. In Sonic 06 I was fine with it, and unlike many people I'm fine with having humans in a Sonic game. Sonic 06 had decent looking human models, Unleashed has...something from Jimmy Neutron. When the fuck did Sonic travel to "The Land of Massively Deformed People Who Talk to you About Their Day." Come on, if I wanted to hear every damn tidbit about these people's day I would still be with my first girlfriend. XP
Another thing about adventure stages, you have to switch between day and night (Sonic and werehog), to progress in certain areas. This would be fine...if it changed right away without a loading screen AND if it was in rare occasions. Nope, here's how it goes: Break gate with werehog, change to Sonic, slide under wall to new area, change to werehog, flip switch and go to another new area, switch to Sonic, run along water path to other side, switch to werehog, climb up wall to destination...I have no comment on all of this, just "wtf". And yes, there is a loading screen every time you change forms, if you didn't already guess that.
WEREHOG STAGES!
These can be fun in certain ways. The combat's not bad, but primarily all it is is button mashing the whole time. There's a shield to protect you from attack, which is practically useless. The only time you ever get hit is when you're in the middle of a combo, which you can't use the shield during. I can't tell how many times I was attacking a robot, only to be killed by the robot BEHIND it which shot a laser through the first one and hit me. The puzzles are pretty easy, but take a long time, usually due to missed jumps (sometimes due to the camera). Basically all of them are just jumping to higher places, no biggie there. Again with the "Sonic's main audience appears to be 9 year-old prepubescent kids with downs-syndrome."
The thing I hated most though were the checkpoints. There's enough of them, but the placement is horrible at times. There's times I'll fight a large mass of enemies, do a jumping puzzle for 15 minutes, move on to the next area, be flooded with enemies, die, and then revert half-way back through the level and have to do everything all over again. Another thing I don't get, when doing the "critical attacks" where you have to push the indicated button, if you miss the button you take damage from the enemy. First off, I thought I was attacking and stunning you, why can you suddenly attack through me? Not to mention when you miss, the enemy's hit usually does a nice chunk of damage, half the time killing me. I'm almost tempted to not do those attacks at all. back to the button mashing then. Overall the stages are decent. You can have fun watching the flashy effects and all, but it's mostly childs-play.
Controls are "meh". You have to be completely still before flipping a switch or picking something up. You have to be looking directly at the object too, IE having it so closely shoved up your rectum you'd swear Sonic was using it to pleasure himself (cause we all know he doesn't like the ladies (HO HO I went there)). You'll spend a good 10-20 seconds running around an object just to get in position and stop long enough to pick it up.
SONIC'S STAGES!
Ah, what we all played this for; fast, uninterrupted speed runs. The level designs are good, and Sonic's stages are pretty fun to play. The only gripe I really have is how the cameras fixed close to you, meaning you hardly have any time to react to whats in front of you when in 2D. Most of the time all you have to do is hold right and press X to boost anyways, so it's pretty dull. The boss fights can be fun, but it gets really annoying for the fact Eggman seems to only have one line of dialogue which he says every 10 seconds. "See if you're fast enough to dodge this!", ok I did, "See if you're fast enough to dodge this!", alright, I did again, "See if you're fast enough to dodge this!", FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST KILL ME NOW!
SUMMARY, YAY!
Adventure fields:
Pros:
-Ano...
Cons:
-slow to move through
-lame objectives
-boring, fugly people
Werehog Stages:
Pros:
-mindless, flashy fun
-Can watch Sonic run on all fours XD
Cons:
-too much button mashing
-brainless puzzles
-cheap deaths and CPU AI
-shield is practically useless
-suffers from unresponsive controls
Sonic stages:
Pros:
-classic running fun
-some cool new, and some classic, moves
-fun level design
Cons:
-SOME are short
-close-up camera
-having to stop to do jumping puzzles XP
Overall, this game is "Meh". It's probably the first Sonic game I've thought about tossing before completion, mostly due to the horrible jokes and corny story.
Oh, and did I mention, as the werehog you can perform exorcisms on people...with a camera. First "werehogs" and now this. I swear this game shouldn't be called Sonic Unleashed, it should be called "GhostBusters". Seriously, the only way for this game to make any sense would be to say it was all just some horrible erotic fantasy of Slimer's.
Gah, I think I've been watching too much of Yahtzee's Zero Punctuation.
I'll never get what problems the people have with the camera in past 3D-Sonic-games... dunno about this one yet, but in all the 3D-Sonics I played, (which is basically all the new Sonic games minus Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)), the camera did just fine... O.o
I also do not see your problem with the name "Eggman". It's just fine, and to me, personally, Robotnik sounds more like the stupid naming. 'sides, Eggman's been his original name, anyway.
Dunno, but each time somebody said something about a Sonic came being "corny" (I still don't like this word to this day - there's never a clear definition of it anywhere O.o ), I tend to like those games more and deem 'em more fun to look at. Well, most of the time, anyway. Have to see about this one yet...
Also, ya gotta keep in mind... the series of games WAS originally targeted at CHILDREN. ... most of the time, anyway...
I also think the exorcism-part might be able to be explained with "Night of the Werehog"... o.o;
Oh well, I'll have to play the game myself to see if I agree with all o' this... although I'll only be able to play the Wii-Version - got none o' the other systems.
Eggman may have been his original name in Japan, but in the US I was brought up on the name Robotnik. Eggman, being the egglike-reference, seems like a joke, and it's almost embarrassing for him to call himself that.
Sonic's audience hasn't always been geared straight at children, more at a general audience of most ages. Now they keep putting in cuddly characters, crappy gags, and sound effects that only a 5 year old would probably enjoy. This especially doesn't make sense since most of Sonic's biggest fans would be the ones who played the Genesis games, and they're a lot older now.
The exorcism thing was used in the animated short, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a stupid filler idea only to waste time.
I've seen a few cutscenes from the game so far. The gags were fitting, more or less, 'n' the comical sound-effects did their job where they were used. 'sides, when you try to aim a game for the more mature audiences, at least with Sonic, the "fans" would complain just as much.
I like the short and the idea of it. It had something cute about it. 'sides, well-animated shorts seem to be a good promo-idea. x3 ..- well, to me, anyway, but then again, I ain't yer average Sonic-Fan, now am I?