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Self Reminder from the Past
12 years ago
General
(Not so much an emo-angst-vent, but more self-musing)
I was going through old stuff with my seester & mom tonight and found a corny Lisa-Frank 'Friends' journal I owned back when I was 12 years old and just graduating 6th grade & entering 7th. IT had numerous sections where you filled out stuff about your social life, family, friends, and etc. There was a section in it that you wrote a letter to your future self and when I read the letter, I almost started to cry. My 12-year old self had more confidence in me than I do now in the present...
"Dear Jessica,
If you ever have doubts you can't be a vet, singer, or an artist, forget that. Like I said in one section of this journal, you can do anything if you set your mind to it, and like Dad said, 'Practice, practice & try, try until you get it right!'"
Sincerely,
The Past Jessica T."
It has left me thinking...
How, why, & when did I let my self-esteem sink so low?? I feel like I've always been this way, never that confident in my art or myself, but clearly, there was a time I had great confidence & knew I had some potential. Yet, I find it extremely hard to think otherwise now??? I don't/can't see the good qualities that my family, my husband, or co-workers see.
I have been married to Eric for 6 years, 1 month, and 3 days and yet I'm still baffled as to what he sees in me. He's so loving & caring & supportive that I just don't understand how he puts up with me.
Even though my YCH auctions sold wonderfully, and I'm SO GRATEFUL for the love my viewers have praised me, I still don't see how or why someone would think my artwork is worth so much money.
Perhaps I need therapy, and have been struggling with that decision for a VERY LONG time. I know it's not healthy to think of myself like this but I can't help it, but I honestly wish I could fix it. It seems it got worse when Dad died, as you may or may not have noticed the period I didn't post hardly a thing for nearly 6 months. I got a boost of confidence when I found some of his old artwork but it was a perk-me-up.
I was going through old stuff with my seester & mom tonight and found a corny Lisa-Frank 'Friends' journal I owned back when I was 12 years old and just graduating 6th grade & entering 7th. IT had numerous sections where you filled out stuff about your social life, family, friends, and etc. There was a section in it that you wrote a letter to your future self and when I read the letter, I almost started to cry. My 12-year old self had more confidence in me than I do now in the present...
"Dear Jessica,
If you ever have doubts you can't be a vet, singer, or an artist, forget that. Like I said in one section of this journal, you can do anything if you set your mind to it, and like Dad said, 'Practice, practice & try, try until you get it right!'"
Sincerely,
The Past Jessica T."
It has left me thinking...
How, why, & when did I let my self-esteem sink so low?? I feel like I've always been this way, never that confident in my art or myself, but clearly, there was a time I had great confidence & knew I had some potential. Yet, I find it extremely hard to think otherwise now??? I don't/can't see the good qualities that my family, my husband, or co-workers see.
I have been married to Eric for 6 years, 1 month, and 3 days and yet I'm still baffled as to what he sees in me. He's so loving & caring & supportive that I just don't understand how he puts up with me.
Even though my YCH auctions sold wonderfully, and I'm SO GRATEFUL for the love my viewers have praised me, I still don't see how or why someone would think my artwork is worth so much money.
Perhaps I need therapy, and have been struggling with that decision for a VERY LONG time. I know it's not healthy to think of myself like this but I can't help it, but I honestly wish I could fix it. It seems it got worse when Dad died, as you may or may not have noticed the period I didn't post hardly a thing for nearly 6 months. I got a boost of confidence when I found some of his old artwork but it was a perk-me-up.
I think it's almost normal that your doubts get stronger when you grow up, that'S why we sometimes want to be children again. Try not to think to self-critical, you know that your art is good and you managed to livea decent life, isn't that something you can be proud of? You have Eric and you have friedns and collegues who care about you!