I'm a perfectionist, and think people have too high expectations for me... Which I will never get to fulfil

It scares me... I am watching a program about annorexia, where I am so much alike the girls who have that, the only thing that differs is that I dont controll my food in a way of eating too less.

I am a person who wants to be good at stuff, or atleast not suck, and it scares me when people will think I suck at something. That's usually the reason I don't do things you can be "good" at with other people, or atleast when I know I probably wont be good at it.

It scares me that i've become so insecure that I control things that supposed to be fun, that I rather shy away from it then just do it and see what happens.
As far as I know it started when I was really young though.

But also I start to feel guilty when im having fun. It's stupid, yes I know... but cant help feeling it in a way

Now a days it gets better, cuz I've been really looking and getting to know myself, and not shy away from it. I know im scared, I know i love to have control, I know I don't like "me" or dont even know what I like to do.
And that last thing sucks. I don't know what makes me happy, I don't know what i can call a "Hobby" anymore. Yes working out is fun, yes I like to draw, but when someone asks me if we can do something fun i tend to let them make the choice.

But it's getting better. My boyfriend already got me as far to get me to like pool and bowling. Things I werent good at and still just... did... Yes Bowling was harder than pooling, since he was way better at it, but him complimenting me helped allot.

It's so weird and in someway painfull to acknowledge my anxiety, that im crying while writing this. But oh well...
Scardycat I is *nods*