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Dec 18: It's Out of My Hands
12 years ago
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|██████████|MIND
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Status: Stress with your Stress on top of your Stress
█ Let me start off this: Don't panic or worry for me. I think things will work out financially for the time being (other members of my family is probably going to be able to cover other shortfalls this time around). For more details and other things continue to read.
█ This was a journal I had originally planned to write on or after the 21st, and it's in relation to real life. I would have journaled that day if we really did live in an instantaneous world; but of course it's not. Essentially a rather large bill is due on the 21st and I had forgotten it takes time for PayPal to move funds to a bank account, a few days even. So how things progress from this point forward is out of my hands.
Of course I suppose I should explain the situation at hand currently. The gist of it is that my mother runs a seasonal business and it's slowest in the winter, this year has been slower than most to say the least. The bill in question is something like $3000, and has to do with the rent of the business space she works in. The worst thing that could happen with a missed payment is the locks being changed, which of course would mean the end of her business and probably bankruptcy.
At this point there will be a slight divergence... well, I suppose a major divergence in reactions; kind of depending on how people feel about parents and family. For me I have a decent relationship with my parents and siblings. I can't say they're my friends as they know little about me, at the same time they don't interfere or poke around my business either. It's I suppose a positive neutral relationship, if that makes any sense.
The next thing I'll talk about will also have... differing reactions depending on how people view money. As I mentioned it's been a bad winter business year for my mother, the amount of money I've loaned/given her since October to today has been in the order of around $4000 (not including the $2000 that I might have before the deadline). This is of course a lot of money for a lot of people who live on minimum wage (or less). For me personally it's I suppose a small price to pay. Yes it has pretty much taken what meager savings I had to my name down to nothing, but it's still a small price in the grand scheme of things. At least it is in regards to my own life. It's something I can do for my mother who has spent a lot of time caring for me for a good chunk of my life.
█ Though what is my life? By measures of most people I would be considered a looser. The worth of the possessions to my name perhaps amount to $2000 total. About half of it owing to my tablet which I draw on, and another chunk to my PC which is some 5 years old I think and as such nearly worthless. I of course have clothing and other miscellaneous items, but that's pretty much the extent of my belongings. I don't own a car, I don't live on my own, I don't own a home, I don't have a relationship with anyone, I'm certainly not rich, I don't have a degree, I don't have a job, I certainly don't have a career, I don't go out, I don't travel, I don't have many friends, and I suffer from mental instability which leaves me depressed and unmotivated for long stretches.
Certainly is a quite a different picture from what many people view my presence as isn't it? Though I suppose the question is then why don't I change things? The simple answer is that most of those things won't make me happy in the slightest. Certainly if I didn't suffer from depressive cycles it would be a lot easier for me to be happy, but that in of itself wouldn't make me happy. The thing that makes me happy is to fulfill the wants of others.
When I first started doing art online I did a lot of gift art for other people to make them happy. I didn't expect or want anything in return aside from gratitude, no matter how small. If there was some kind of group activity in say like a game, I would do my best to help everyone succeed. I didn't care for my personal excellence, I cared for other people to exceed. It's also why I do like to spend time just helping other artists out when I can.
It's not that I don't have any personal self-worth and that I live vicariously through other people's successes or off the smiles of others. It's just been something that was part of who I am for as long as I can remember. I change myself for others, and my personality is very much a shape-shifter; who I am ends up being a reflection of those around me. If I'm around people who are very strict, neat, follow rules; then so will I. If other people are lax, messy, unorganized; then I will be as well. If others try, so will I; if they don't, I won't. I know many people can do this, but for me it feels natural; I can live with a neat freak or a slob and be perfectly fine with either (and I've lived in both situations).
Though because of how my personality takes on features of those around me, I'm obviously more productive in more structured environments; and my home life is anything but structured. I receive little to no warning about the things that happen in the house, no one is assigned to any chores, food is prepared randomly, there is no set eating time either. Me trying to impose structure on myself in a chaotic environment is very taxing for me, because living here I just naturally want to end up being lax and doing things more randomly and on whims.
█ The irony isn't lost on me that I have a personality that is probably akin to a shape-shifter but the two main characters I have are not, but in addition to that I have zero interest in having them be modified/transformed/changed in anyway. It's perhaps a little bit of a defiance of my nature, or perhaps an anchor of sorts. I find that I seem to be rather full of contradictions, while not really being hypocritical.
As an example I consider myself extremely lazy, taking almost no initiative on anything; doing the minimum or nothing at all. Yet, at the same time I work my butt off arting for hours on end non-stop. Only reason why it makes any sense at all is that narrow focus means specific things get done, while everything else doesn't get done at all.
Another perhaps might be how I'm presented as a dominant type, when I'm anything but. Though it is fun to play the part now and then, kind of like the sentiment "Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't live there."
The hardest one for me to... deal with I suppose, is not really liking the attention and fame that I've acquired; yet I suppose pandering to it? I don't really view attention as a positive thing, because there is responsibility attached to it. Other people have invested a part of themselves to you, and it becomes completely your responsibility to let them down or not. There's a lot of people who dismiss that responsibility as the fault of the person giving the attention, but I don't really view it that way. Children understand the responsibility that comes with attention, as well as when it's good to have it and when it's not. When they have attention they generally want to make those who are giving them attention happy. When they are trying to get away with something they do their best to avoid it. It's only when we're adults that when we gain attention we throw it back at the faces of the people who give it to us in the first place, children don't do that; they become apologetic when their audience ends up confused or disinterested. Though generally the audience of children are their parents, where as I have a rather sizable audience; an audience I don't want to disappoint one day.
█ I should have been in bed and sleeping about three hours ago as of this posting, but as you can see there's a lot of thoughts keeping me awake. The last big thing keeping me awake is the question of "did I just get a kick in the pants?." For the past week I've been working myself into madness, not for the sake of myself; but for my mom. In that time, drawing over 12 hours a day for that week I have almost 40 images to upload that I haven't yet; commissions that brought in about a thousand dollars. I am grateful to the friends and fans who were commissioning me through FA's downtime, but I find myself in this weird spot of can I keep doing it? Can I let my foot off the gas pedal just a tiny bit without coming to a screeching halt when the threat has past? I know myself well enough to say that the answer is "No, once this thing is over, you'll come to dead stop again" but the part of me going "You can do it, it's something you actually want for yourself" has been getting a bit louder. That part of me that wants something a bit closer to a "typical" life without having a typical job.
I am worn out though, and I still need to raise the money regardless; because it's my purpose in life for the time being, it's my motivation. I just hope I can substitute a new motivation in after the current troubles are past. In any case it'll be back to work for me after I sleep.
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
Status: Stress with your Stress on top of your Stress
█ Let me start off this: Don't panic or worry for me. I think things will work out financially for the time being (other members of my family is probably going to be able to cover other shortfalls this time around). For more details and other things continue to read.
█ This was a journal I had originally planned to write on or after the 21st, and it's in relation to real life. I would have journaled that day if we really did live in an instantaneous world; but of course it's not. Essentially a rather large bill is due on the 21st and I had forgotten it takes time for PayPal to move funds to a bank account, a few days even. So how things progress from this point forward is out of my hands.
Of course I suppose I should explain the situation at hand currently. The gist of it is that my mother runs a seasonal business and it's slowest in the winter, this year has been slower than most to say the least. The bill in question is something like $3000, and has to do with the rent of the business space she works in. The worst thing that could happen with a missed payment is the locks being changed, which of course would mean the end of her business and probably bankruptcy.
At this point there will be a slight divergence... well, I suppose a major divergence in reactions; kind of depending on how people feel about parents and family. For me I have a decent relationship with my parents and siblings. I can't say they're my friends as they know little about me, at the same time they don't interfere or poke around my business either. It's I suppose a positive neutral relationship, if that makes any sense.
The next thing I'll talk about will also have... differing reactions depending on how people view money. As I mentioned it's been a bad winter business year for my mother, the amount of money I've loaned/given her since October to today has been in the order of around $4000 (not including the $2000 that I might have before the deadline). This is of course a lot of money for a lot of people who live on minimum wage (or less). For me personally it's I suppose a small price to pay. Yes it has pretty much taken what meager savings I had to my name down to nothing, but it's still a small price in the grand scheme of things. At least it is in regards to my own life. It's something I can do for my mother who has spent a lot of time caring for me for a good chunk of my life.
█ Though what is my life? By measures of most people I would be considered a looser. The worth of the possessions to my name perhaps amount to $2000 total. About half of it owing to my tablet which I draw on, and another chunk to my PC which is some 5 years old I think and as such nearly worthless. I of course have clothing and other miscellaneous items, but that's pretty much the extent of my belongings. I don't own a car, I don't live on my own, I don't own a home, I don't have a relationship with anyone, I'm certainly not rich, I don't have a degree, I don't have a job, I certainly don't have a career, I don't go out, I don't travel, I don't have many friends, and I suffer from mental instability which leaves me depressed and unmotivated for long stretches.
Certainly is a quite a different picture from what many people view my presence as isn't it? Though I suppose the question is then why don't I change things? The simple answer is that most of those things won't make me happy in the slightest. Certainly if I didn't suffer from depressive cycles it would be a lot easier for me to be happy, but that in of itself wouldn't make me happy. The thing that makes me happy is to fulfill the wants of others.
When I first started doing art online I did a lot of gift art for other people to make them happy. I didn't expect or want anything in return aside from gratitude, no matter how small. If there was some kind of group activity in say like a game, I would do my best to help everyone succeed. I didn't care for my personal excellence, I cared for other people to exceed. It's also why I do like to spend time just helping other artists out when I can.
It's not that I don't have any personal self-worth and that I live vicariously through other people's successes or off the smiles of others. It's just been something that was part of who I am for as long as I can remember. I change myself for others, and my personality is very much a shape-shifter; who I am ends up being a reflection of those around me. If I'm around people who are very strict, neat, follow rules; then so will I. If other people are lax, messy, unorganized; then I will be as well. If others try, so will I; if they don't, I won't. I know many people can do this, but for me it feels natural; I can live with a neat freak or a slob and be perfectly fine with either (and I've lived in both situations).
Though because of how my personality takes on features of those around me, I'm obviously more productive in more structured environments; and my home life is anything but structured. I receive little to no warning about the things that happen in the house, no one is assigned to any chores, food is prepared randomly, there is no set eating time either. Me trying to impose structure on myself in a chaotic environment is very taxing for me, because living here I just naturally want to end up being lax and doing things more randomly and on whims.
█ The irony isn't lost on me that I have a personality that is probably akin to a shape-shifter but the two main characters I have are not, but in addition to that I have zero interest in having them be modified/transformed/changed in anyway. It's perhaps a little bit of a defiance of my nature, or perhaps an anchor of sorts. I find that I seem to be rather full of contradictions, while not really being hypocritical.
As an example I consider myself extremely lazy, taking almost no initiative on anything; doing the minimum or nothing at all. Yet, at the same time I work my butt off arting for hours on end non-stop. Only reason why it makes any sense at all is that narrow focus means specific things get done, while everything else doesn't get done at all.
Another perhaps might be how I'm presented as a dominant type, when I'm anything but. Though it is fun to play the part now and then, kind of like the sentiment "Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't live there."
The hardest one for me to... deal with I suppose, is not really liking the attention and fame that I've acquired; yet I suppose pandering to it? I don't really view attention as a positive thing, because there is responsibility attached to it. Other people have invested a part of themselves to you, and it becomes completely your responsibility to let them down or not. There's a lot of people who dismiss that responsibility as the fault of the person giving the attention, but I don't really view it that way. Children understand the responsibility that comes with attention, as well as when it's good to have it and when it's not. When they have attention they generally want to make those who are giving them attention happy. When they are trying to get away with something they do their best to avoid it. It's only when we're adults that when we gain attention we throw it back at the faces of the people who give it to us in the first place, children don't do that; they become apologetic when their audience ends up confused or disinterested. Though generally the audience of children are their parents, where as I have a rather sizable audience; an audience I don't want to disappoint one day.
█ I should have been in bed and sleeping about three hours ago as of this posting, but as you can see there's a lot of thoughts keeping me awake. The last big thing keeping me awake is the question of "did I just get a kick in the pants?." For the past week I've been working myself into madness, not for the sake of myself; but for my mom. In that time, drawing over 12 hours a day for that week I have almost 40 images to upload that I haven't yet; commissions that brought in about a thousand dollars. I am grateful to the friends and fans who were commissioning me through FA's downtime, but I find myself in this weird spot of can I keep doing it? Can I let my foot off the gas pedal just a tiny bit without coming to a screeching halt when the threat has past? I know myself well enough to say that the answer is "No, once this thing is over, you'll come to dead stop again" but the part of me going "You can do it, it's something you actually want for yourself" has been getting a bit louder. That part of me that wants something a bit closer to a "typical" life without having a typical job.
I am worn out though, and I still need to raise the money regardless; because it's my purpose in life for the time being, it's my motivation. I just hope I can substitute a new motivation in after the current troubles are past. In any case it'll be back to work for me after I sleep.
Still, best of luck to you and your mother, still, i'm sorry to haven't commissioned something bigger but i'm trying to save too ^^;
And i understand what you mean when you talk about yourself, i have the same problems but at same time i'm trying to find a way to change those things, if i won't make it thorough at least i'll have tryed tho ^^;
I have to say I have developed an additional motivation as of late. To find my limits. I've always been afraid of them. What if I'm not good enough? What if I have no talent? Am I the type to come up short every time? It's a fear that has crippled any success I've tried to have. I dropped out of college and blamed it on no goal, I took a minimum wage job working 3rd shift to hide from people... It wasn't until I got the courage to find the answers that I started trying to achieve something. I work 1st shift and am in the lower tiers of management now with hopes of moving up in the future. This points to a problem I think we all face. The issue of unanswered questions. Whether their about ourselves; likes, dislikes, motivations, limits, ect. or others; who are friends are, who we love, ect. We all have questions we need answered. To search out and find those answers is a motivation in and of itself.
I don't know if any of this will help, or even if it makes sense, but they are a few questions I've either answered or am in the process of answering for myself. There will be more questions down the road for me to answer, and that, I think, is the real purpose behind it all! :) I hope this helps!
Your Fan,
Dreamcatcher_Oz
P.S. Letter writing is a dying art.
I don't know if any of that will help you in any way or give you any comfort but eh, what else is there to say other than keep on keeping on and happy holidays!
I'm not sure whether I can add anything meaningful here, except perhaps that I'm happy to hear that your family relationship is quite good, even when most of the things around you aren't.
Not having an education usually means not having a perspective, and that surely can drag you down. I do assume you explored whether they are ways you could get one, including online trainings?
Reading the paragraph regarding you being a shape shifter on whom you are around, I know that if you lived with me, you would be a neat freak and more outgoing. Shoot, I am going to possibly be getting a house of my own soon, and I would probably consider you as one of my roomies.... if it were not for the fact that I already have two other friends in line <^.^'>. I have a house already, but it is on my dad's property, so I plan to move out of it (rent it out) and get a private space of my own.
As for your exhaustion, you will find that it is harder not to work than it is to work. Like how the Mexican Immigrant who goes down my block wakes up at 3 AM to go through the recycle bins on trash day to get bottles. They work far more trying to accumulate $40 of bottles and cans that day to recycle than it is for someone like me to clean hospital bathrooms for $112 a day. It is not prestigious, but it pays the bills and benefits me in the long run (being a state worker with benefits and a 401K).
Work can be tough... but it is tougher not to work. Self employment (like your mom) is a risky business. Like your mom, my friend rents a spot at the local swap meet to sell sports memorabilia. Some days she makes $500... other days, $7. Sometimes, one has to reflect on their life and wonder if the type of work is truly beneficial and practical. If yes, more power to that person. Of no, then perhaps it is time to have a game changer.
Whatever you and your mother choose, I hope it all works out in the end. I want only the best for my friends.
fame is a fickle thing, can be one moment your hot then your not, but i'd say i think your moments of break actually make it more exclusive when you do return and continue arting up the digital pics you do so well. cant please the world you can only ever do the best and hope you dont mess up to badly, well thats my thinkiing on that anyway heh
though i do hope this makes sense XD
you have sacrificed so much, so bless you and your family