FA+
Shop
Walk the Line
12 years ago
General
Watching "Walk The Line" has me thinking about the condition of personal demons and the way they shape things.
I've never been so keen on the valuation of worth being based in what you "have". By most measure I'd be considered a success because I do own a house, a condo and a few cars with a solid job that's paying me about 70K a year lots of potential for OT on top of that and upward trend through the company. That's the tagline most folks see and would kill for.
The grim reality is I'm saddled with more debt that what I know what to do with as "owning" both properties means I'm making payments on them with one of them being so far upside down I should've just walked away from it. Mom lives in the house, I rent the condo out and I rent an apartment to live in. That's two mortgages and a rent every month that I'm stuck with because of the soft housing market. The cars I own are "projects" to tinker on that maybe would rank a combined value of 10K if I tried to sell them despite the fact I've probably put twice that much into them in parts and labor to keep restoring them. I've got enough debt chipping away at me every month that what I pull in is just about enough to make it from one paycheck to the next without much room to stash anything away. There have been times I find myself yelling/crying to an empty room about how frustrating that cycle has become.
I got word last week that the forced air unit in my condo went out. I have renters in there so I have to replace/repair it right away. I set a modest goal this year to put 5K into savings because I usually can't scratch that much together for such things. And despite me fracturing a tooth last month and spending about $1,500 on dental repairs, I made that goal... for two weeks, until word of that heater came down. I've been working overtime like crazy at work to beat a deadline and cover the gap on funds. As such it felt good to finally hit that goal, and then word came in about a 5K replacement heater on a place I'm losing money on every month already and sucks away all I stashed away all year? Yeah, I cried about that, when I could find the time since I was working 10-12 hour days.
Mom offered to help absorb the cost of the heater replacement, but I hate having that help. I never feel like I have any excuse for taking that kind of help when I have all the tools at my disposal to make it all work out without outside help. It chips away at me making me feel like a failure when anyone rides in on a white horse to save my butt. Being your own harshest critic is tough like that.
I've garnered a reputation at work for being super reliable on projects and pushing all the right buttons. They know I'm a workaholic and they seem to be feeding me more than enough to keep that impression going. I'm not sure I'm against it either at this point as the work keeps me focused and productive but I'll admit I've got zilch for a social life. I've been out of hockey for a while and I'm not doing nearly as much car related stuff these days. There are days it feels like I'm just standing in a field somewhere whacking at weeds with a golf club looking for a ball that isn't even mine.
On the flipside of it, my property manager managed to find someone to repair the heater in the condo instead of replacing it, so that saved me about $4,500, I'm told I've had at least two bonuses coming to me for this project, probably more, but they're waiting for the bonus fund budget to renew next year to get the money to me. And sometime in the middle of all of that I worked a ton of OT again. I know I push myself harder than I probably have to, but that just feels like that's all there is for me to do these days. If I can make it out of this year with the savings goal I set for myself intact, I'll be pretty happy.
I did manage to get out and pick up a bunch of toys to drop off with Toys For Tots today too, so at least I did that this year.
Merry Christmas folks.
I've never been so keen on the valuation of worth being based in what you "have". By most measure I'd be considered a success because I do own a house, a condo and a few cars with a solid job that's paying me about 70K a year lots of potential for OT on top of that and upward trend through the company. That's the tagline most folks see and would kill for.
The grim reality is I'm saddled with more debt that what I know what to do with as "owning" both properties means I'm making payments on them with one of them being so far upside down I should've just walked away from it. Mom lives in the house, I rent the condo out and I rent an apartment to live in. That's two mortgages and a rent every month that I'm stuck with because of the soft housing market. The cars I own are "projects" to tinker on that maybe would rank a combined value of 10K if I tried to sell them despite the fact I've probably put twice that much into them in parts and labor to keep restoring them. I've got enough debt chipping away at me every month that what I pull in is just about enough to make it from one paycheck to the next without much room to stash anything away. There have been times I find myself yelling/crying to an empty room about how frustrating that cycle has become.
I got word last week that the forced air unit in my condo went out. I have renters in there so I have to replace/repair it right away. I set a modest goal this year to put 5K into savings because I usually can't scratch that much together for such things. And despite me fracturing a tooth last month and spending about $1,500 on dental repairs, I made that goal... for two weeks, until word of that heater came down. I've been working overtime like crazy at work to beat a deadline and cover the gap on funds. As such it felt good to finally hit that goal, and then word came in about a 5K replacement heater on a place I'm losing money on every month already and sucks away all I stashed away all year? Yeah, I cried about that, when I could find the time since I was working 10-12 hour days.
Mom offered to help absorb the cost of the heater replacement, but I hate having that help. I never feel like I have any excuse for taking that kind of help when I have all the tools at my disposal to make it all work out without outside help. It chips away at me making me feel like a failure when anyone rides in on a white horse to save my butt. Being your own harshest critic is tough like that.
I've garnered a reputation at work for being super reliable on projects and pushing all the right buttons. They know I'm a workaholic and they seem to be feeding me more than enough to keep that impression going. I'm not sure I'm against it either at this point as the work keeps me focused and productive but I'll admit I've got zilch for a social life. I've been out of hockey for a while and I'm not doing nearly as much car related stuff these days. There are days it feels like I'm just standing in a field somewhere whacking at weeds with a golf club looking for a ball that isn't even mine.
On the flipside of it, my property manager managed to find someone to repair the heater in the condo instead of replacing it, so that saved me about $4,500, I'm told I've had at least two bonuses coming to me for this project, probably more, but they're waiting for the bonus fund budget to renew next year to get the money to me. And sometime in the middle of all of that I worked a ton of OT again. I know I push myself harder than I probably have to, but that just feels like that's all there is for me to do these days. If I can make it out of this year with the savings goal I set for myself intact, I'll be pretty happy.
I did manage to get out and pick up a bunch of toys to drop off with Toys For Tots today too, so at least I did that this year.
Merry Christmas folks.
