So yeah the Holidays are comming up, Christmas and all, and as a child it use to be my favorite holiday, But here lately i just can't get into the Spirit, not only that i'm dealing with unfaithfulness in a releationship i just can't get off the ground to well, not only that i'm dealing with crazy people, and my Friend's sister has just....blah. I mean i get all my joy out of giving, i love to see and hear people and furs alike light up when i give them gifts, and i can't stand getting gifts, because when i get them i feel so damn guilty. I have alot of issues, and i am descovering more and more here lately. and the more i Discover the more Depressed i get, i haven't wanted to post anything about it for fear of making those who care about me, worry. Thats the last thing i need, can't stand making people worry.I just don't know anymore, i feel like i;m starting to brake, and its hurting, and i can't seem to make it stop hurting, some nights i have layed awake until 2 or 3 in the morning just crying, and feeling like the worst person alive.

On a postive note my Uncal is Finilly out of Vanderbuilt after 5 weeks of being in there, hes still not back to normal but hes slowly improving, did get to go see him.

As i sit here and write this, i wonder about those reading this, what they must think about me, and what must be running through there heads, as they read all this that i have kept hidden, i don't like reaching out, i don't like admiting i am hurting, or that i have emoations and feelings, but i do, sometimes its even hard for me to hear others tell me thankyou for that i'm a good person, and i know once i post this, i can atleast take it back down if i get scared or more upset at myself for posting it.