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confuuuuused
17 years ago
My life's a bit scrambled right now.
I'm just not sure what I want anymore, and I've come to realize that.
what I said I wanted before was my associate's, an income, video games. A perfect physique.
The video games still stand. But that's besides the point. xP
I was thinking about this shit. I want my associate's, but then what? Where do I even go from there? An internship having to do with the graphic design may help but then it's like I'm too intimidated to even compile my best work and show it. And it's like, I'm just not sure of what I want to do, exactly.
Sure there are things I like to do, but the same thing, all day every day for the rest of my life?
I am afraid of committing to anything I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life right now... I don't want to feel like anything's set in stone because sometimes it's only after you get the position, only after you get involved that you start to realize what it's all truly about. Small things that aren't quite right for you build up, and...
and then you're afraid to change it for fear of loss or letting people down, even if it isn't the right place for you (anymore).
To make it even more complicated is when people seem to be setting it in stone FOR you...but you haven't even gotten your own internal wants or feelings together. and then you feel bad when you snap at them over differences you can no longer do anything about. You want to tell them to leave you be yet you still want them for the needs of yours they DO fulfill besides the ones they don't, rather than having nothing. Or at least I do anyway.
I wonder if people see me as the bastard I really am or not. Honestly? I feel like I don't have components of a "soul." Sometimes I think I might care about things and people a lot only because of my own ego. My wanting to be the better person at something. Sometimes I wonder if the whole of humanity is like that. All at the same time I feel like I care very deeply for my friends, adore many people, like to do things for people whenever I have the means or money. but again, maybe that's not my soul, just some false sense of empathy I've chosen to make it look like I have morals, something yet again I wanted to be the 'better' person at.
I wonder a lot about whether souls are just delusions of grandeur our egos make. Hell, I have such an inflated ego I have alter-egos. I have fursonas I fly around with and dream about. I get, I suppose, extrasensory intuition and insight about people I like, like some spoiled child of the new century.
I see someone in an unhappy situation/ where they've been wronged and really want to be that person to catch them when they fall. Or rather, have them never fall again because they'd be safe in my arms.
It sounds sweet of me in theory, but am I really sweet? If I were actually sweet I would wish I had the ability to empower that person with not being afraid getting up, dusting off, and not being afraid of standing alone? Being whole and unafraid for once ever solo?
It's for my own selfish reasons that I want to hold them, talk to them, tell them everything, isn't it? To be THEIRS.
I haven't even dealt with my own fear of being alone yet and here I am thinking of that.
And then, to be selfish enough to disregard everything else because of these internal gears, this intution telling me there's something really important there, my first instinct being wanting to cling onto it, smitten and driven wild.
To be constantly reminded of the other things I haven't worked out yet that don't seem right for me...or are semi-right for me, but just not in the way they intend to be. I'm so afraid of admitting when I don't feel quite the same, for fear of losing the part that I really do like. And have too much pride and ego to admit that I've made a mistake and can't live up to their expectations.
Feeling like it's something that's supposed to be a great, fulfilling part of my life but not in the same aspects.
I feel like there's so many more people I have to meet yet.
That, after I did lose four friends of 10+ years over the major ex of four years (and freaked out badly over it because it's my worst fear)
I realized there were better people out there all along anyway.
I got out there, met new people and some just instantly CLICKED like the other ones that tossed me aside never had..
I meet some people and there's this instant, epic sort of similarity, like I've known them for years already. And then I wish I had.
You always want what you can't have...and then once you have it, then what?
But, people are free...you've never had them to begin with....they can leave at any time.
I think that's how I'll deal with a portion of the current confusion, by thinking like that. That, even if I had them, I might not ever really have them. And they might not me either, because (I'm a picky bastard?) I might eventually change again, see small things add up that I can't deal with, or just want to go another way again.
I might stay happy for quite some time and then one day realize it isn't for me, like the fool I am.
There are only a few things that have stayed constants in my life. This is living my life as an artist, seeing elaboration and layers in everything. even the writing is a pert of my title of artist. I like to illustrate, be it words or pictures. I like to tell my story about this life and these people central to it because I'm an egotistical slob, but at least I realize it I suppose.
My head is in a whirlwind of confusion. I'm filled with regret, smittenness, imagination, brain meltage around the people I want to tell the most things, a lack of direction but a want for other directions that are completely unsure, creativity but passiveness, sickness but exhilaration. Guilt over quite a few things I'm feeling but can't seem to help.
I'm just not sure what I want anymore, and I've come to realize that.
what I said I wanted before was my associate's, an income, video games. A perfect physique.
The video games still stand. But that's besides the point. xP
I was thinking about this shit. I want my associate's, but then what? Where do I even go from there? An internship having to do with the graphic design may help but then it's like I'm too intimidated to even compile my best work and show it. And it's like, I'm just not sure of what I want to do, exactly.
Sure there are things I like to do, but the same thing, all day every day for the rest of my life?
I am afraid of committing to anything I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life right now... I don't want to feel like anything's set in stone because sometimes it's only after you get the position, only after you get involved that you start to realize what it's all truly about. Small things that aren't quite right for you build up, and...
and then you're afraid to change it for fear of loss or letting people down, even if it isn't the right place for you (anymore).
To make it even more complicated is when people seem to be setting it in stone FOR you...but you haven't even gotten your own internal wants or feelings together. and then you feel bad when you snap at them over differences you can no longer do anything about. You want to tell them to leave you be yet you still want them for the needs of yours they DO fulfill besides the ones they don't, rather than having nothing. Or at least I do anyway.
I wonder if people see me as the bastard I really am or not. Honestly? I feel like I don't have components of a "soul." Sometimes I think I might care about things and people a lot only because of my own ego. My wanting to be the better person at something. Sometimes I wonder if the whole of humanity is like that. All at the same time I feel like I care very deeply for my friends, adore many people, like to do things for people whenever I have the means or money. but again, maybe that's not my soul, just some false sense of empathy I've chosen to make it look like I have morals, something yet again I wanted to be the 'better' person at.
I wonder a lot about whether souls are just delusions of grandeur our egos make. Hell, I have such an inflated ego I have alter-egos. I have fursonas I fly around with and dream about. I get, I suppose, extrasensory intuition and insight about people I like, like some spoiled child of the new century.
I see someone in an unhappy situation/ where they've been wronged and really want to be that person to catch them when they fall. Or rather, have them never fall again because they'd be safe in my arms.
It sounds sweet of me in theory, but am I really sweet? If I were actually sweet I would wish I had the ability to empower that person with not being afraid getting up, dusting off, and not being afraid of standing alone? Being whole and unafraid for once ever solo?
It's for my own selfish reasons that I want to hold them, talk to them, tell them everything, isn't it? To be THEIRS.
I haven't even dealt with my own fear of being alone yet and here I am thinking of that.
And then, to be selfish enough to disregard everything else because of these internal gears, this intution telling me there's something really important there, my first instinct being wanting to cling onto it, smitten and driven wild.
To be constantly reminded of the other things I haven't worked out yet that don't seem right for me...or are semi-right for me, but just not in the way they intend to be. I'm so afraid of admitting when I don't feel quite the same, for fear of losing the part that I really do like. And have too much pride and ego to admit that I've made a mistake and can't live up to their expectations.
Feeling like it's something that's supposed to be a great, fulfilling part of my life but not in the same aspects.
I feel like there's so many more people I have to meet yet.
That, after I did lose four friends of 10+ years over the major ex of four years (and freaked out badly over it because it's my worst fear)
I realized there were better people out there all along anyway.
I got out there, met new people and some just instantly CLICKED like the other ones that tossed me aside never had..
I meet some people and there's this instant, epic sort of similarity, like I've known them for years already. And then I wish I had.
You always want what you can't have...and then once you have it, then what?
But, people are free...you've never had them to begin with....they can leave at any time.
I think that's how I'll deal with a portion of the current confusion, by thinking like that. That, even if I had them, I might not ever really have them. And they might not me either, because (I'm a picky bastard?) I might eventually change again, see small things add up that I can't deal with, or just want to go another way again.
I might stay happy for quite some time and then one day realize it isn't for me, like the fool I am.
There are only a few things that have stayed constants in my life. This is living my life as an artist, seeing elaboration and layers in everything. even the writing is a pert of my title of artist. I like to illustrate, be it words or pictures. I like to tell my story about this life and these people central to it because I'm an egotistical slob, but at least I realize it I suppose.
My head is in a whirlwind of confusion. I'm filled with regret, smittenness, imagination, brain meltage around the people I want to tell the most things, a lack of direction but a want for other directions that are completely unsure, creativity but passiveness, sickness but exhilaration. Guilt over quite a few things I'm feeling but can't seem to help.
