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Leaving Indefinitely Until I Recover(Possible TW and Update)
11 years ago
This has been an incredibly difficult period for me over the last few months and I'm taking time out for some serious self help. I could end my explanation there, but I want to talk about these personal events. I have a bad habit of pocketing my issues and I guess I'm just hoping to have some kind of cathartic experience at the end of this by finally discussing it. Yeah, I know I'm doing this not-so-discretely in my porn gallery "journal" on a furry website, but if I can't even confess my crappy ordeal to anonymous furs in my private little section of the internet, then I just don't know where else to start.
WARNING! At this point I should mention there's possible triggers ahead. I don't know what triggers people but I'd like to avoid upsetting anyone since this entry will primarily cover topics of suicide and depression.
Several months ago I received an impersonal text from my sister announcing that her son passed away. I wasn't long into my grieving when I was forced to end my 4 year relationship abruptly after discovering my (now ex) boyfriend is a criminal. I was, and still am, so painfully ashamed of him and his crime that I lied to nearly everyone by saying he cheated on me instead. I moved back to my hometown out of state as fast as I could. Moving was chaotic and, even though this happened months ago, I'm still living out of unpacked boxes. The idea of finding anything we shared or being reminded of him in any way fills me with such dread and anxiety that I haven't managed to pull out any items that aren't immediately necessary.
I found out via facebook a friend of mine committed suicide after secretly battling with postpartum depression. She shot herself during an emotional fit leaving behind her newborn and 3 young children. I stopped eating after that. My stomach feels like it's in permanent knots and even now I'm currently 40 pounds lighter and still dropping. My sleeping habits grew erratic and my only relief between breakdowns came in the form of planning how I'd like die so I didn't have to feel this way anymore. During a particularly bad episode of this phase is when I gave up. I can't really say that I decided to kill myself any more than someone decides to scratch a mosquito bite. I know it sounds trite but suicide honestly just felt necessary and it was the only solution I could come up with. Obviously my attempt failed. I'm still a little nervous to acknowledge just how close I was to that goal considering it was a total fluke that saved my life.
When I recovered is when I finally realized how badly I'm going to need outside help if I ever expected myself to cope. Not wanting to alarm friends or family, I started with calling the suicide prevention lifeline. It was from there I was given free information about local resources and scheduled an appointment with a mental health clinic. Eventually I opened up to a few close friends and relatives about how I was feeling but their well intended advice didn't really help. I heard a lot of "You'll get over it eventually," and "Stop working yourself up so badly," before opting to call the suicide prevention lifeline again and talk to them instead. On that note, I'm not sure if people know this, but you don't have to be suicidal or even in a crisis state to call the number and talk to someone. I'd call them just to vent about petty shit sometimes because I didn't feel like I had anyone else to talk to. In fact, those little talks probably did more for keeping me sane and grounded.
The brief period of recovery allowed me enough time to start processing the ex boyfriend situation. I had every intention to report him but somewhere between losing my nephew, moving out of state, and losing my friend, it kept getting pushed aside. The first week of this November is when I finally contacted the proper authorities and reported him. I felt immediate relief once it was done, but of course I'm not allowed any kind of reprieve because, I shit you not, within the hour I received a call from my mom saying there were several firetrucks, police cars, and an ambulance in front of my little brother's house. The following morning I got the dreaded call informing me he committed suicide that night. Even now I keep finding myself looking at his facebook wall and re-reading old messages as if he's still around but just not online. My chest still feels physically wounded when I remember he's gone. I spent the 22nd of this month at the cemetery since it would have been his 20th birthday.
On the plus side of things this week I'm scheduled to start grief counseling alongside long-term (but hopefully temporary) medication.
That's still a really paraphrased version of events in the last few months but I think I covered all the big ones. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for sticking around despite my absence. This wasn't the cathartic experience I wanted to take away, but I DO feel better. For the record, the suicide prevention lifeline webpage can be found here with all the information you'll need for either yourself or a loved one. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Please take suicidal behavior seriously and educate yourself on how you can help if you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts or extreme depression. I want to also throw out there that I'm still far from OK but I'm not suicidal anymore since I made the effort to call and accept help. This time of year can be particularly hard but I can at least say from experience that it DOES get better if you continue to hang on.
WARNING! At this point I should mention there's possible triggers ahead. I don't know what triggers people but I'd like to avoid upsetting anyone since this entry will primarily cover topics of suicide and depression.
Several months ago I received an impersonal text from my sister announcing that her son passed away. I wasn't long into my grieving when I was forced to end my 4 year relationship abruptly after discovering my (now ex) boyfriend is a criminal. I was, and still am, so painfully ashamed of him and his crime that I lied to nearly everyone by saying he cheated on me instead. I moved back to my hometown out of state as fast as I could. Moving was chaotic and, even though this happened months ago, I'm still living out of unpacked boxes. The idea of finding anything we shared or being reminded of him in any way fills me with such dread and anxiety that I haven't managed to pull out any items that aren't immediately necessary.
I found out via facebook a friend of mine committed suicide after secretly battling with postpartum depression. She shot herself during an emotional fit leaving behind her newborn and 3 young children. I stopped eating after that. My stomach feels like it's in permanent knots and even now I'm currently 40 pounds lighter and still dropping. My sleeping habits grew erratic and my only relief between breakdowns came in the form of planning how I'd like die so I didn't have to feel this way anymore. During a particularly bad episode of this phase is when I gave up. I can't really say that I decided to kill myself any more than someone decides to scratch a mosquito bite. I know it sounds trite but suicide honestly just felt necessary and it was the only solution I could come up with. Obviously my attempt failed. I'm still a little nervous to acknowledge just how close I was to that goal considering it was a total fluke that saved my life.
When I recovered is when I finally realized how badly I'm going to need outside help if I ever expected myself to cope. Not wanting to alarm friends or family, I started with calling the suicide prevention lifeline. It was from there I was given free information about local resources and scheduled an appointment with a mental health clinic. Eventually I opened up to a few close friends and relatives about how I was feeling but their well intended advice didn't really help. I heard a lot of "You'll get over it eventually," and "Stop working yourself up so badly," before opting to call the suicide prevention lifeline again and talk to them instead. On that note, I'm not sure if people know this, but you don't have to be suicidal or even in a crisis state to call the number and talk to someone. I'd call them just to vent about petty shit sometimes because I didn't feel like I had anyone else to talk to. In fact, those little talks probably did more for keeping me sane and grounded.
The brief period of recovery allowed me enough time to start processing the ex boyfriend situation. I had every intention to report him but somewhere between losing my nephew, moving out of state, and losing my friend, it kept getting pushed aside. The first week of this November is when I finally contacted the proper authorities and reported him. I felt immediate relief once it was done, but of course I'm not allowed any kind of reprieve because, I shit you not, within the hour I received a call from my mom saying there were several firetrucks, police cars, and an ambulance in front of my little brother's house. The following morning I got the dreaded call informing me he committed suicide that night. Even now I keep finding myself looking at his facebook wall and re-reading old messages as if he's still around but just not online. My chest still feels physically wounded when I remember he's gone. I spent the 22nd of this month at the cemetery since it would have been his 20th birthday.
On the plus side of things this week I'm scheduled to start grief counseling alongside long-term (but hopefully temporary) medication.
That's still a really paraphrased version of events in the last few months but I think I covered all the big ones. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all for sticking around despite my absence. This wasn't the cathartic experience I wanted to take away, but I DO feel better. For the record, the suicide prevention lifeline webpage can be found here with all the information you'll need for either yourself or a loved one. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Please take suicidal behavior seriously and educate yourself on how you can help if you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts or extreme depression. I want to also throw out there that I'm still far from OK but I'm not suicidal anymore since I made the effort to call and accept help. This time of year can be particularly hard but I can at least say from experience that it DOES get better if you continue to hang on.
Please feel better soon hon.
Take your time, as long as you feel you need; we'll be here when and if you come back. Good luck!
I'm glad you're still with us. I hope things get better.
im shocked to hear you've come under such a run of tragic circumstances. death within the family is never easy to deal or cope with (i would know i have experienced a lot of it myself) and to deal with your ex's dark secret is something i could not even comprehend to deal with. its disgusting how someone you can trust so dearly would cunninly keep you in the dark only for you to find this info out in an emotional bomb shell. sometimes its hard to think some people can even be called 'human'
and nobody would think any less of you for seeking outside help (been there myself) and theres nothing greater then getting a professional to show some empathy rather then some over priced degree wielding consultant analysing you like a pay cheque.
again my deepest sympathies with every loss you have faced as of late. but know i admire youre bravery for telling us of your story.
Hang in there, and know that you have friends here.
The one thing that's kept me from going over the edge in my darkest moments is that I don't want to cause the kind of hurt I know the people I'd leave behind would feel if I were to kill myself.
I hope things look up for you soon and that you'll find happiness again.