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Jan 06: Art Backlog & Also Moody
12 years ago
General
|██████████|BODY
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
Status: And back to being depressed
|██████████|Will To Art
█ I'm sure quite a few of you have noticed a lot of submissions from me recently, and odds are it'll continue for a few more days as there's still a backlog of about 20 images to go (as I only want to upload around 5ish a day). Such was the aftermath of FA being down and me in panic commission mode. So yeah there's that for you to look forward to for a few days yet. Course if I continue to do about two commissions a day then it'll take slightly longer for that back log to clear. Only thing I have to worry about is to not post the same submission twice which I almost did a couple of times (due to me needing to post some pictures ahead of others)
█ Speaking of doing work... I suppose I've finally found something that works for me after I have no idea how long of trying to find something that works. Of course this revelation only comes because of me being able to make the following observation about myself: Working while depressed.
When I had a 'normal' job, working and being depressed was just a thing. Didn't matter how miserable I felt I'd still follow the same routine and did what was expected of me. It's kind of amazing how people can remain 'functional' despite whatever thing can be bothering them deeply, I suppose a testament to how good society is at making good little worker drones. This kind of functionality never really translated to me doing art and commission work: I'd burn out rather quickly after getting in a more depressed state. When I felt like I had a chance to move away from my own self-imposed forms of responsibility I would, as there was usually far too much baggage with it; which would just cause further mental breakdowns I felt.
Depression is still a very difficult thing to explain, but what I can do is relay how I feel when creating art in two different mental states. First off yes it can be a challenge drawing fetish/kink art when it's the stuff you're interested in, I suppose in a sense it's like 'artistic foreplay'. I end up being in the moment, enjoying the progression; overall being more 'involved' in a suppose more emotional level. The experience is slightly different when I'm in a more depressive mood, I don't have nearly the same level of interest even if the content would otherwise be into it. I don't have an emotional vestment in it, and my general mood shifts more towards "I want this to be over". Instead of enjoying the progress of the picture I end up being more focused on detailing it, and as such time moves a lot slower for me.
I digress though, as I often do. While I can draw while I'm depressed (maybe on a level better when depressed because I end up focusing more on detailing as a result) I've easily fallen out of the drawing cycle while depressed. In the past I would look at my commission list and would just feel this crushing weight on my psyche. It felt like work, a lot of work; and sometimes it was because a list that's 10 people long can easily be 40 hours worth of drawing to do. Keeping my commission list down to two 'slots' for the past few days has kept that weight off my shoulders, and though my mood hasn't been great I've still managed to do the few hours of drawing and be able to do a new set the day after.
It's quite important that I keep my 'plate' clean as it were. My mind creates a lot of doubts and those doubts tend to be loud. Even though I know that some people are willing to wait weeks, months, even years for pieces of art from some artists; I'm not a person who's comfortable with keeping a person waiting for a week, let alone a few days. I end up with a lot of guilt on my end if I suffer a mental break down and not work on a commission list I setup a few days ago, even if the person commission perfectly understands and is willing to wait. Words of comfort and even understanding often do very little to silence the nagging doubts I get.
Though don't worry too much about me being depressed. Venting out to a collective shoulder as it were does help, and typically I feel better after writing a journal than I was before I started writing it. Actually can't think of an instance where I felt worse after writing one. It's cheap therapy I guess.
█ EDIT: I've also made my front page a bit less cluttered.
|██████████|MIND
|██████████|SOUL
Status: And back to being depressed
|██████████|Will To Art
█ I'm sure quite a few of you have noticed a lot of submissions from me recently, and odds are it'll continue for a few more days as there's still a backlog of about 20 images to go (as I only want to upload around 5ish a day). Such was the aftermath of FA being down and me in panic commission mode. So yeah there's that for you to look forward to for a few days yet. Course if I continue to do about two commissions a day then it'll take slightly longer for that back log to clear. Only thing I have to worry about is to not post the same submission twice which I almost did a couple of times (due to me needing to post some pictures ahead of others)
█ Speaking of doing work... I suppose I've finally found something that works for me after I have no idea how long of trying to find something that works. Of course this revelation only comes because of me being able to make the following observation about myself: Working while depressed.
When I had a 'normal' job, working and being depressed was just a thing. Didn't matter how miserable I felt I'd still follow the same routine and did what was expected of me. It's kind of amazing how people can remain 'functional' despite whatever thing can be bothering them deeply, I suppose a testament to how good society is at making good little worker drones. This kind of functionality never really translated to me doing art and commission work: I'd burn out rather quickly after getting in a more depressed state. When I felt like I had a chance to move away from my own self-imposed forms of responsibility I would, as there was usually far too much baggage with it; which would just cause further mental breakdowns I felt.
Depression is still a very difficult thing to explain, but what I can do is relay how I feel when creating art in two different mental states. First off yes it can be a challenge drawing fetish/kink art when it's the stuff you're interested in, I suppose in a sense it's like 'artistic foreplay'. I end up being in the moment, enjoying the progression; overall being more 'involved' in a suppose more emotional level. The experience is slightly different when I'm in a more depressive mood, I don't have nearly the same level of interest even if the content would otherwise be into it. I don't have an emotional vestment in it, and my general mood shifts more towards "I want this to be over". Instead of enjoying the progress of the picture I end up being more focused on detailing it, and as such time moves a lot slower for me.
I digress though, as I often do. While I can draw while I'm depressed (maybe on a level better when depressed because I end up focusing more on detailing as a result) I've easily fallen out of the drawing cycle while depressed. In the past I would look at my commission list and would just feel this crushing weight on my psyche. It felt like work, a lot of work; and sometimes it was because a list that's 10 people long can easily be 40 hours worth of drawing to do. Keeping my commission list down to two 'slots' for the past few days has kept that weight off my shoulders, and though my mood hasn't been great I've still managed to do the few hours of drawing and be able to do a new set the day after.
It's quite important that I keep my 'plate' clean as it were. My mind creates a lot of doubts and those doubts tend to be loud. Even though I know that some people are willing to wait weeks, months, even years for pieces of art from some artists; I'm not a person who's comfortable with keeping a person waiting for a week, let alone a few days. I end up with a lot of guilt on my end if I suffer a mental break down and not work on a commission list I setup a few days ago, even if the person commission perfectly understands and is willing to wait. Words of comfort and even understanding often do very little to silence the nagging doubts I get.
Though don't worry too much about me being depressed. Venting out to a collective shoulder as it were does help, and typically I feel better after writing a journal than I was before I started writing it. Actually can't think of an instance where I felt worse after writing one. It's cheap therapy I guess.
█ EDIT: I've also made my front page a bit less cluttered.
xiiLeoiix
~xiileoiix
aweee D: I am sorry to hear about your mood D''': would asspats on your dragon booty help? ^-^ or would you preffer a hug?
A good way to describe depression is like a mental flu. Similar to having a cold with a viral cause, nothing seems to speed up the healing process. One simply has to just let it run its course. Eventually the symptoms lift, and you feel like your old self again. It's a frustrating wait though.
nilapony
~nilapony
Well atleast this is 1 way of doing it. If only it were easier to.
Akira666
~akira666
*covers in hugs*
Kartonis
~kartonis
Very glad to hear that the new "small plate" process is working better for you. Good news is always welcome.
Tailmon1
~tailmon1
I'd give you a really Big Hug! If I could!
TheIrateFox
~theiratefox
I get the depression thing a bit, too. And yeah a lot of it comes from gnawing self-doubt.
PHenic
~phenic
Thats actually a pretty smart way to do it. I mean, your talented enough that if you wanted too, you could just "dial in" your commission, do them on uninspired and uninterested auto mode but I'm very glad you don't, that sort of art by numbers typically wrecks an artists style. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to find a system that works for you, i doubt i could do it. That said, I endure the day to day grind, and to be quite blunt, artists like yourself really help me through it. I know that probably doesn't help your depression, but your fans do apprecaite you and you shouldn't sweat worrying about us waiting such a long time; I for one kinda enjoy looking through my journals for the next time you open up slots! And I'm fairly certain no one wants to see you get burned out. That said, don't only do art for your fans or for commissions, remember to do it for yourself too! Just saying.
Creeper1574
~creeper1574
Despite being a rather optimistic person myself, I understand how a massive list of things can be a massive weight that you carry. For me it lead to panic attacks, every day until they were dealt with. So I hope that everything works out for you, and that you may be able to find a job. May 2014 be a better year for a you in the long run. *hug*
nicky21
~nicky21
I don't have actual clinical depression as far as I know, but I definitely understand the feeling of a depressive state. But living with it as a chronic trouble must be difficult. And venting from time to time really helps. If posting a journal or talking to your problems alleviates your troubles to some degrees, then by all means do so, because I know depression is a difficult thing to deal with because a friend almost committed suicide once because of it.
If writing about it helps you, and us reading it may perhaps help some more, then that's what we'll do :)
grayshire
~grayshire
Id' give you a hug, but I would be worried about suddenly being encase in latex/rubber. I hope you will be OK, and take your time. DOn't force yourself to do anything, just ease into it. Do whatever you can to help yourself.
andmos
~andmos
Most likely, the depression is due to you missing people.
