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11 years ago
Let me begin by saying this will just be a rambling with no end destination. I have some thoughts that I'm going to let flow onto the screen. Where it takes me, I guess we will find out together.
I am by far NOT the easiest person to get along with. I don't want to call them flaws, because flaws I am willing to fix. But, many of characteristics make me a very polarizing individual. I'm loud, opinionated, blunt, shameless, confidence, egocentric, imprudent, and somewhat intimidating.
Because of these traits, people tell to be opinionated when I am the topic at hand. I don't mean that I am popular or the center of all attention, but people know my name. I think infamous would be fitting. What can I say? I'm an easy target to direct hate toward.
I bring this up because my dear friends are just as susceptible to my "polarization" as complete strangers are. There are times where I say things to get a specific reaction out of someone. Sometimes it's anger, which I'm pretty good at. Sometimes it's laughter, which I'm not as good at. In fact, there are enough times I am for the latter and get the former. My reaction is generally the same, "It's not my fault that people don't get my humor." It's a selfish route to take, I will admit. But, there are times where I know I've stepped over the line. For those times, my apologies are genuine. How do you know my apologies are genuine? Because I won't apologize if I feel I have nothing to apologize for.
Ultimately, I hurt people, more verbally than physically. Much, much more verbally than physically. The worst thing about that is that it's rarely my intention, especially with people I consider to be good people.
Believe it or not, I categorize more people are good people. I have a very positive outlook on the future of this world compared to most. I see people of my age and people who are younger than me and think that we are going to be alright.
Back to the topic at hand, whatever that is. I don't like hurting friends. I don't like hurting good people. I don't think anybody does. When I learn that I have hurt a friend, there may be some hesitation. I may go to the "well, why are THEY offended" excuse. Eventually, it'll come down to wanting to preserve the friendship over being bitter. I may have pride, but I try to avoid being toxic (but sometimes fail.)
Right now, I'm wondering how to continue this journal entry without sounding weak.
Whether you want to call them fights, fallings out, or whatever, I hate them. Nobody likes losing friends. Nobody likes fighting with friends. I just want to be able to hear, "Dude, that's the line. Stop right there." I want to say, "I don't think we should continue going down this path." I just want, "That wasn't cool."
I don't want the hours, days, weeks, and months of no talking. It fucking sucks.
But what's worse is the mutual friends who get tugged along for the ride on this really shitty roller coaster that is my social life. They are the ones who I feel the worst for. They've been nothing but great people and then my issues drag them into the middle of a fight that they want no part of.
We've all been there. Two close friends are fighting and you don't know what to do. You're walking on eggshells for hours, days, weeks, months. You don't want to mention the other person. You want to stay friends with both, but it gets harder and harder each and every damn day. There are worse feelings in the world, but not many.
But...
Why? What if these issues are an ongoing thing? I want to get along. I actually want to play nice. But I can't. We don't mesh well together, we can't have a 5-minute talk without yelling. We can't be around mutual friends without someone blowing up. Why should I put myself through this? Hell. Why should I put our mutual friends through this?!?!
I know the Bible says, "If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. (Luke 6:29)" I am terrible at that. I slap back. I think most of us are. But that version tells us how we should treat enemies. These aren't enemies... I don't think... In some cases, I wonder though.
I said at the beginning that this had no end point. I was just going to ramble and ramble until I ran out of words. Maybe I need to get away from FA. The answers to my problems are not here. Maybe I should lie in bed, open up my Bible, look there. I know many of you have no use for the word of the Lord. But the word is unbiased. It doesn't care who you are, the message is always the same.
"The second [greatest commandment] is 'Love thy neighbor as yourself.' (Mark 12:31)" But right now, I don't love myself that much. I am a flawed man. I have some traits that so many would love to have. But I also carry some demons inside me that I would wish on nobody.
Finally, the last thing I want to hear in all of this is: You're popular, you have so many friends. This is the most flawed belief in the fandom. Popularity does not equal friends. Even the most popular people can feel alone in a crowded room. Because when they fall, who will sacrifice themselves to pick them up? For me, I can't look around for others to pick me up. I just got to trust myself and trust God.
I am by far NOT the easiest person to get along with. I don't want to call them flaws, because flaws I am willing to fix. But, many of characteristics make me a very polarizing individual. I'm loud, opinionated, blunt, shameless, confidence, egocentric, imprudent, and somewhat intimidating.
Because of these traits, people tell to be opinionated when I am the topic at hand. I don't mean that I am popular or the center of all attention, but people know my name. I think infamous would be fitting. What can I say? I'm an easy target to direct hate toward.
I bring this up because my dear friends are just as susceptible to my "polarization" as complete strangers are. There are times where I say things to get a specific reaction out of someone. Sometimes it's anger, which I'm pretty good at. Sometimes it's laughter, which I'm not as good at. In fact, there are enough times I am for the latter and get the former. My reaction is generally the same, "It's not my fault that people don't get my humor." It's a selfish route to take, I will admit. But, there are times where I know I've stepped over the line. For those times, my apologies are genuine. How do you know my apologies are genuine? Because I won't apologize if I feel I have nothing to apologize for.
Ultimately, I hurt people, more verbally than physically. Much, much more verbally than physically. The worst thing about that is that it's rarely my intention, especially with people I consider to be good people.
Believe it or not, I categorize more people are good people. I have a very positive outlook on the future of this world compared to most. I see people of my age and people who are younger than me and think that we are going to be alright.
Back to the topic at hand, whatever that is. I don't like hurting friends. I don't like hurting good people. I don't think anybody does. When I learn that I have hurt a friend, there may be some hesitation. I may go to the "well, why are THEY offended" excuse. Eventually, it'll come down to wanting to preserve the friendship over being bitter. I may have pride, but I try to avoid being toxic (but sometimes fail.)
Right now, I'm wondering how to continue this journal entry without sounding weak.
Whether you want to call them fights, fallings out, or whatever, I hate them. Nobody likes losing friends. Nobody likes fighting with friends. I just want to be able to hear, "Dude, that's the line. Stop right there." I want to say, "I don't think we should continue going down this path." I just want, "That wasn't cool."
I don't want the hours, days, weeks, and months of no talking. It fucking sucks.
But what's worse is the mutual friends who get tugged along for the ride on this really shitty roller coaster that is my social life. They are the ones who I feel the worst for. They've been nothing but great people and then my issues drag them into the middle of a fight that they want no part of.
We've all been there. Two close friends are fighting and you don't know what to do. You're walking on eggshells for hours, days, weeks, months. You don't want to mention the other person. You want to stay friends with both, but it gets harder and harder each and every damn day. There are worse feelings in the world, but not many.
But...
Why? What if these issues are an ongoing thing? I want to get along. I actually want to play nice. But I can't. We don't mesh well together, we can't have a 5-minute talk without yelling. We can't be around mutual friends without someone blowing up. Why should I put myself through this? Hell. Why should I put our mutual friends through this?!?!
I know the Bible says, "If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. (Luke 6:29)" I am terrible at that. I slap back. I think most of us are. But that version tells us how we should treat enemies. These aren't enemies... I don't think... In some cases, I wonder though.
I said at the beginning that this had no end point. I was just going to ramble and ramble until I ran out of words. Maybe I need to get away from FA. The answers to my problems are not here. Maybe I should lie in bed, open up my Bible, look there. I know many of you have no use for the word of the Lord. But the word is unbiased. It doesn't care who you are, the message is always the same.
"The second [greatest commandment] is 'Love thy neighbor as yourself.' (Mark 12:31)" But right now, I don't love myself that much. I am a flawed man. I have some traits that so many would love to have. But I also carry some demons inside me that I would wish on nobody.
Finally, the last thing I want to hear in all of this is: You're popular, you have so many friends. This is the most flawed belief in the fandom. Popularity does not equal friends. Even the most popular people can feel alone in a crowded room. Because when they fall, who will sacrifice themselves to pick them up? For me, I can't look around for others to pick me up. I just got to trust myself and trust God.
Just don't be too harsh on yourself, because I can't think of anyone who hasn't gone through this once in their life.
People generally like honesty and directness, but they don't like hearing it about themselves if it is in any way negative. So while adding a filter before you talk may make you hurt less people, it may also make you less important in other peoples lives. A tradeoff you must choose.
As far as having mutual friends that fight, keep them both as friends and don't walk on eggshells or avoid any topics. If someone stops being your friend because you are a friend with someone else, then they were not real friends to begin with. And no one else should dictate who you talk to or about.
It is quite late here, and having just woken from the strangest of dreams I return to the realm of the sleeping.
Good luck.
Maybe getting away from FA could be a good thing. I am visiting here less and less unless there is something like a commission waiting for me to see. The only site I've really been good at using is Twitter and most days I feel like I want to block out the world after work because there is so much noise around me. Sometimes its good to just let feelings out and it sounds like you did a good purging with this journal.
I wanted to let you know that I always enjoy your company and you always have very interesting things to say. I hope to see you next month at Nbowa's Superbowl Weekend get-together. I know you said you have qualities you like and hate, but I want you to know, too, I admire the ones you do have. I see you being very cunning playing cards, I see you being able to juggle a myriad of numbers around in your head and you are able to be honest with your words, which I find is rare these days.
Chin up and hope tomorrow turns out to be a good day for you!
ATTENTION ALL FURS: As founder and CEO of the Huscoon Fan Club, I would like to remind you all that a few slots are still available for membership. Running a little low on Foxes. As to the confusion about team loyalties...you do NOT; I repeat; do NOT have to like OSU to join!! (though you'll fast-tract up to the top of the org. if you do) Likewise, do not have to hate Michigan, either...