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A New Year and New Worries Ahead...(WARNING:LONG JOURNAL)
12 years ago
General
Yeah I know this is very late and very sudden. Out of the blue even. I have my reasons. The big reason being that I like to keep things to myself. Its been a natural habit of mine for years. I am very scared right now guys. Actually more like terrified. Its on my mind every single day. Almost every hour, minute. second...etc etc etc. I think you guys get the idea. This decision has haunted me for a long while: Do I stay or do I go in the Air Force? So after many years of thinking, after talking to many good friends and family I have come to a major decision on this issue: I will quit from the Air Force when I can. I shall not reenlist into the AF when my contract, to be reinstated to active duty, comes out on my 5 year mark on June 9th.
Which I shall point out several ways for me to get out. I want to point out to those who do not know this but due to my government (the USA'S) budget cuts they want the AF to drop 25,000 airmen from active duty and make them separate/retire earlier then they originally planned out. So they are doing this by either volunteering to separate/retire as early as Sept. 29th of this year or they go before a board of 2 Chief Master Sergeants and a Colonel to look over their ENTIRE record since they joined the AF and make a choice of 1 of 3 recommendations to DEFINITELY STAY in the AF, take the neutral route to say MAYBE this person should stay in the AF or a negative response of this person SHOULD NOT stay in the AF. Almost sounds or feels like those options you choose in Mass Effect. Love the game series btw. <3 Once the results come out of the board in late August they are then told either your STAYING in the AF or INVOLUNTARILY told to get out of the AF by the end of Jan 2015.
With what I just told you here are my options of getting of the AF:
First Option- Going thru this Enlisted Retention Board or ERB and letting them decide if I should stay or go.
Some of you guys are asking yourselves why doesn't Gonzato try to stay in, go thru with the ERB and wait til they say something? There is a flaw here that makes this first option not possible and that involves my record. I was a good lil airman who followed all the rules and was as fit as a fiddle. The moment after I came back from my deployment in Iraq for 6 1/2 months things have gone to shit. I been putting on some weight, been constantly failing my PT tests and then beating them next time around followed by me getting lower and lower scores on my Evaluation Performance Reviews or EPRs. Plus add in suicide attempt and no way will the military let me stay in for another 4 years.
Second Option- Voluntarily Separate from the AF
^THIS is the option I want to go thru the most. I want to get out so why not just volunteer to go? Granted I wont get any special pay because I haven't been in for more than 6 years. Its the better and faster option to choose to leave. Everyday I hate working for the Air Force. Everyday I come into the office I cry a little on the inside and it pains me to how much I want to cry on the outside as I hate coming into work. Plus I want to add that there are other much braver men and women in the Air Force than me. Those who really want to stay in the Air Force longer than me. So as a single airman I am more than happy to voluntarily leave the Air Force.
Third Option- Fail this up coming PT test I have to take by Feb 6th which will get me a Dishonorable Discharge
This is the option that is scaring me the most. If I fail this test I will not be able to voluntarily separate with honor, distinction and with my integrity in tact. Hell my insanity is at stake as well. I promise you guys this. Whenever I fail a PT test I get real depressed but this is my final test I must take before I am given the distinction of a dishonorable discharge. I have failed 3 times already in the past year. Strike 4 and its game over for me. Not only will I be given a Article 15 but i will lose rank. I will lose a stripe from my rank. So instead of being a Senior Airman I will be an Airman First Class. Which means less money for me and a shameless stain on my once perfect record of no trouble with the law. If I fail I will be crying, I will be in tears and I will be so devastated I would be on hiatus for some days as I hang with RedX to help save me from falling from the deep end. I am so scared and nervous about failing that I would be happy to shoot myself on the foot if it prevented me from doing a PT Test.
So here is the ugly truth. I will discuss more of my plans for the future in another journal as I will try to go into more detail then. It probably will be tomorrow or if could be later this week. If you got some good advice great I would like to hear it and listen. If you got some trollish, mean, snark remarks you want to say to me prepare to be blocked. I am not in the mood to hear that crap. Not now. So sorry for you guys to read this long rant of mine but know I am still alive just...afraid and got much on my mind right now.
Which I shall point out several ways for me to get out. I want to point out to those who do not know this but due to my government (the USA'S) budget cuts they want the AF to drop 25,000 airmen from active duty and make them separate/retire earlier then they originally planned out. So they are doing this by either volunteering to separate/retire as early as Sept. 29th of this year or they go before a board of 2 Chief Master Sergeants and a Colonel to look over their ENTIRE record since they joined the AF and make a choice of 1 of 3 recommendations to DEFINITELY STAY in the AF, take the neutral route to say MAYBE this person should stay in the AF or a negative response of this person SHOULD NOT stay in the AF. Almost sounds or feels like those options you choose in Mass Effect. Love the game series btw. <3 Once the results come out of the board in late August they are then told either your STAYING in the AF or INVOLUNTARILY told to get out of the AF by the end of Jan 2015.
With what I just told you here are my options of getting of the AF:
First Option- Going thru this Enlisted Retention Board or ERB and letting them decide if I should stay or go.
Some of you guys are asking yourselves why doesn't Gonzato try to stay in, go thru with the ERB and wait til they say something? There is a flaw here that makes this first option not possible and that involves my record. I was a good lil airman who followed all the rules and was as fit as a fiddle. The moment after I came back from my deployment in Iraq for 6 1/2 months things have gone to shit. I been putting on some weight, been constantly failing my PT tests and then beating them next time around followed by me getting lower and lower scores on my Evaluation Performance Reviews or EPRs. Plus add in suicide attempt and no way will the military let me stay in for another 4 years.
Second Option- Voluntarily Separate from the AF
^THIS is the option I want to go thru the most. I want to get out so why not just volunteer to go? Granted I wont get any special pay because I haven't been in for more than 6 years. Its the better and faster option to choose to leave. Everyday I hate working for the Air Force. Everyday I come into the office I cry a little on the inside and it pains me to how much I want to cry on the outside as I hate coming into work. Plus I want to add that there are other much braver men and women in the Air Force than me. Those who really want to stay in the Air Force longer than me. So as a single airman I am more than happy to voluntarily leave the Air Force.
Third Option- Fail this up coming PT test I have to take by Feb 6th which will get me a Dishonorable Discharge
This is the option that is scaring me the most. If I fail this test I will not be able to voluntarily separate with honor, distinction and with my integrity in tact. Hell my insanity is at stake as well. I promise you guys this. Whenever I fail a PT test I get real depressed but this is my final test I must take before I am given the distinction of a dishonorable discharge. I have failed 3 times already in the past year. Strike 4 and its game over for me. Not only will I be given a Article 15 but i will lose rank. I will lose a stripe from my rank. So instead of being a Senior Airman I will be an Airman First Class. Which means less money for me and a shameless stain on my once perfect record of no trouble with the law. If I fail I will be crying, I will be in tears and I will be so devastated I would be on hiatus for some days as I hang with RedX to help save me from falling from the deep end. I am so scared and nervous about failing that I would be happy to shoot myself on the foot if it prevented me from doing a PT Test.
So here is the ugly truth. I will discuss more of my plans for the future in another journal as I will try to go into more detail then. It probably will be tomorrow or if could be later this week. If you got some good advice great I would like to hear it and listen. If you got some trollish, mean, snark remarks you want to say to me prepare to be blocked. I am not in the mood to hear that crap. Not now. So sorry for you guys to read this long rant of mine but know I am still alive just...afraid and got much on my mind right now.
I use to have a really bad tendency of stressing out about stuff and then putting it on the back burner, pretty much ignoring and or procrastinating, thus setting myself up to actually fail and make my nightmare come true. -not saying your doing this, but just trying to add some insight from another angle and perspective (I still fight this problem from time to time)
Since those days I've gotten a better, but there there is a saying that I try to remind myself of. It's this: "procrastination is just fear in slow motion" I've personally found that when I confront these type of things head on, I usually always come out ahead.
As I said, I wish you the best, and I'm rooting for ya! I hope it all works out for ya! ^^
Hmm, thinking about A Few Good Men(movie) and the threat of dishonorable discharge to 2 characters, but that's a different thing, and what they done wasn't dishonorable. Anyway!, I looked up what Dishonorable Discharge means, and I won't judge you here. I'll take the viewpoint that people are sinful including myself I shouldn't just guess what you have done. I mean, I'm looking what that does and it's quite scary. I would fight like hell because that is your life marred by a rule shouldn't keep you from other jobs, but when they(employers) look at a record of your life and not take you, no matter how much you put your life together. I know this because one of my family is eternally screwed for doing something in the past and s/he can't apply those position even though s/he is more capable then any of these college educated graduates that want anything served on a golden plate.
The 2nd option is best, because you will get to be free, and you won't get scar for life. People change in what they want, and I certainly believe that you are an adult finally at the age of 30, not 20, because you are broken, bruised, and learn what hate is, and hate even hating.
I'll keep you in my prayers man.