I just cleared out my page shouts (I'd let them accumulate since 2010) and it was a real blast from the past. A few people who left shouts are people I have burned bridges with. (Note: You have to behave REALLY badly for me to actually choose to cut off contact with you). In some cases I didn't burn the bridge, but just let it fall into disrepair. In most cases, my relationship with the person leaving the shout has changed significantly over the past few years. Many of the shouts triggered memories of first meetings or events that I had sort of forgotten.

It's goofy to say this but I get "nostalgic" at times for how things were in 2009-2010, both in the local furry scene and my life in general. That was the start of a new chapter of my life because I was beginning my studies at Portland State University and just discovering the local furry scene. I believed that I was capable of graduating with a graphic design degree and that I was capable of (and suited to) being a graphic designer. I didn't know anything about the size or scope of the local furry community so it seemed like I was always discovering new people and being greeted with open arms. Maybe I was just naïve at the time, but it seemed there was a "warmth" and genuine openness to the community then that isn't there anymore.

For me, things started going downhill in 2011. I didn't pass the Sophomore Graphic Design Portfolio review, meaning that I couldn't continue my studies in the graphic design program. I know I didn't deserve to pass. My submission was an illustration portfolio pretending to be a graphic design portfolio. My typography was weak (and I didn't have enough examples of it) and my craftmanship was poor. I had the choice of trying again in one year (possibly to fail again) or cutting my losses and trying to pursue a different degree. I chose the latter because I was able to put a lot of the credits I had already earned towards an Art Practices degree with a minor in Graphic Design. (I just graduated with that degree this past Fall.)

Not passing the Portfolio review was a big blow to my artistic and professional confidence that I never really recovered from. Meanwhile, I watched the local furry community's "warmth" go cold. The goofy, good-natured absurdist humor turned more nihilistic. People would openly, persistently express hostility and contempt for each other and then in the next breath talk about how we need to "bring the fandom together." Today we're better connected than ever through Facebook groups and meetup.com and we even have a con of our own, disproving the people who said a Portland furry con could never happen. But some things that I liked and valued are gone.