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A Clarification: My Feelings Regarding RPing and Chatting
12 years ago
I'll try to lay this out in a way that's easy to read and covers all the main points (though FA formatting leaves a hella lot to be desired, but here's the thing:
1.) I've complained about this before... What with a busy schedule of classes over at the college, and what looks like a homework-intensive semester, my free time tends to be very, very limited.
So, with all of those things competing for my free time, I'm hard-pressed. I can choose to draw, I can choose to play video games, I can choose to RP, but it's impossible for me to choose more than one at a time.
2.) I'm honestly... my home life is really turbulent right now. I'm not depressed, but I'm right on the verge of it, and money is a constant issue. I've also had a few things come up between my parents and I that've made our relationship strained, and school continues to be a headache. Participating in the fandom is becoming less and less important to me, and honestly if I could just post artwork without being expected to talk to anyone I'd actually go for it. Drawing is no fun when it feels forced, and it's the same with communicating online.
3.) Whether it's because I'm in the mood to do something else, or because I honestly am in a miserable mood because life's shit on me that day or I've had a mood swing, oftentimes I choose to appear "offline" to everyone. I've had troubles before with being accosted by folks wanting to play as soon as I appeared to log in. I don't know whether it's because they didn't have a job, or because they weren't in school, or what, but they had a huge amount of free time that I didn't have, and there'd sometimes be problems because I wasn't able to dissaude them from RPing with me. I thought I'd gotten rid of the problem once because I purged my old YIM account and switched e-mails, but I'm beginning to see the problem crop up again, as well as folks who message me at odd hours wanting to chat when I'm unable or in the mood.
4.) I realize that I may seem like an enormous jerk because I accidentally or otherwise ignore or avoid talking to people online, and that's partially my fault. Sometimes when I make friends with people, I've underestimated what I need to contribute to make up a positive relationship, and it's not fair for anyone to be treated like I've treated others. It partially is to blame on my constant mental issues as well, though, and IRL concerns, and I can't help those at all. When you wake up one morning and you're so cripplingly depressed you don't even want to get out of bed, it's hard to even think about talking to anyone else.
5.) So... I guess... I don't know how to break this gently, but... well... here is part of my solution.
I am going to make a list of certain close friends of mine who I feel are important enough to me to keep on my contact lists. Everybody else is going to be deleted. There'll be no begging or persuading to be kept on the list, so don't bother - I'm making the decision without anyone's input. Not being on the list doesn't mean you aren't my friend - it's just sort of an "inner circle" or "family," for lack of a better term, and if you and I are able to kindle a close enough relationship over time, you'll be able to get on it, too. But I'm not gonna do this whole "adding acquaintances to Skype and Steam" anymore, since it seems to be considered permission to aggressively hit on me, and I'm sick of everyone expecting RPs from me.
6.) In addition, from this point on, I want folks to understand that it's very unlikely that you're ever going to play with me. Even if you're a close friend, I hardly ever feel really "yiffy" or playful anymore. Life's just... it's just too shitty for me to be happy. As it is I'm lucky I have enough bright moments to continue posting to FA, and if you've been following my Tumblr you've seen how my postings really dropped off lately. I just don't have the enthusiasm for much of anything, save for things I really don't have to put much thought into like video games and the like.
7.) There are a few people (I'm not going to name names, but you know who you are) who I've really treated like shit over the years. I haven't done it out of hate, but I haven't been as good and faithful of a friend as I should have been... and I don't see in the future that my life is going to improve, and I doubt that my habits are going to improve either. I think it's just best we call it off... we'd pretty much done that already, haven't we? I'm sorry, though, for what it's worth.
If you guys have any... like, questions or anything... ask away. I'm sure there's lots I haven't been able to write, 'cause there's a bunch I want to say but can't find the words for.
tl;dr
My life is going through another shitty period again.
I can't RP, draw, and relax in what little free time I get from school and RL concerns.
So I'm choosing not to RP. Deal with it.
I'm going to be paring down my contacts list.
Don't befriend me expecting to play with me constantly, or ask to be adopted expecting RPs every other day.
This shouldn't have needed to be said again after the first massive fuckstorm but apparently I overestimated furries
I'm sorry for being a jerkass, everyone. Life's decided to fuck me over but my behavior didn't help matters. I'm partially to blame, and if you don't want to forgive me that's okay. I'm just... putting this here, because it needs to be said.
1.) I've complained about this before... What with a busy schedule of classes over at the college, and what looks like a homework-intensive semester, my free time tends to be very, very limited.
Firstly, I feel very pressured to produce a steady stream of artwork and uploads. IMHO, it's unfair, but there are other artists who for whatever reason are able to produce several pieces a week. I simply can't do that, and especially because mine are just sketches, as a consequence I guess I feel... inferior? That might be the best way of putting it. I didn't really start out viewing it as a competition to get viewers and faves and comments, but FA is structured in a way so that it's very easy for someone with (I guess I have) a bit of an inferiority complex to get really frustrated with themselves. I really don't see any reason for drawing - it's really no fun anymore, I don't dare do it for money because I can't do it at a quick enough pace, and I guess the finished product isn't good enough for a lot of folks. That issue is for a whole 'nother journal, though, I'll save for later. It ain't going anywhere.
Secondly, in addition to the constant (admittedly self-inflicted) pressure of artwork needing to be finished, I want to spend a little of my time simply relaxing, most often through video games. I spend a lot of time on TF2, although I play a number of other things.
Third, are also IRL things like driving to local places, although with money as it is for me nowadays that's a much rarer occasion. But when it comes up, I take it.
Lastly, I can choose to roleplay. Now, I'm the kind of roleplayer who posts upwards of a paragraph and a half at a time, and whenever I get started it's very difficult for me to simply cut it off. I find it hard to say "no," so on the days which I end up playing with friends, I almost always find myself burning up seven to eight hours on Skype or elsewhere before I even know it.So, with all of those things competing for my free time, I'm hard-pressed. I can choose to draw, I can choose to play video games, I can choose to RP, but it's impossible for me to choose more than one at a time.
2.) I'm honestly... my home life is really turbulent right now. I'm not depressed, but I'm right on the verge of it, and money is a constant issue. I've also had a few things come up between my parents and I that've made our relationship strained, and school continues to be a headache. Participating in the fandom is becoming less and less important to me, and honestly if I could just post artwork without being expected to talk to anyone I'd actually go for it. Drawing is no fun when it feels forced, and it's the same with communicating online.
3.) Whether it's because I'm in the mood to do something else, or because I honestly am in a miserable mood because life's shit on me that day or I've had a mood swing, oftentimes I choose to appear "offline" to everyone. I've had troubles before with being accosted by folks wanting to play as soon as I appeared to log in. I don't know whether it's because they didn't have a job, or because they weren't in school, or what, but they had a huge amount of free time that I didn't have, and there'd sometimes be problems because I wasn't able to dissaude them from RPing with me. I thought I'd gotten rid of the problem once because I purged my old YIM account and switched e-mails, but I'm beginning to see the problem crop up again, as well as folks who message me at odd hours wanting to chat when I'm unable or in the mood.
4.) I realize that I may seem like an enormous jerk because I accidentally or otherwise ignore or avoid talking to people online, and that's partially my fault. Sometimes when I make friends with people, I've underestimated what I need to contribute to make up a positive relationship, and it's not fair for anyone to be treated like I've treated others. It partially is to blame on my constant mental issues as well, though, and IRL concerns, and I can't help those at all. When you wake up one morning and you're so cripplingly depressed you don't even want to get out of bed, it's hard to even think about talking to anyone else.
5.) So... I guess... I don't know how to break this gently, but... well... here is part of my solution.
I am going to make a list of certain close friends of mine who I feel are important enough to me to keep on my contact lists. Everybody else is going to be deleted. There'll be no begging or persuading to be kept on the list, so don't bother - I'm making the decision without anyone's input. Not being on the list doesn't mean you aren't my friend - it's just sort of an "inner circle" or "family," for lack of a better term, and if you and I are able to kindle a close enough relationship over time, you'll be able to get on it, too. But I'm not gonna do this whole "adding acquaintances to Skype and Steam" anymore, since it seems to be considered permission to aggressively hit on me, and I'm sick of everyone expecting RPs from me.
6.) In addition, from this point on, I want folks to understand that it's very unlikely that you're ever going to play with me. Even if you're a close friend, I hardly ever feel really "yiffy" or playful anymore. Life's just... it's just too shitty for me to be happy. As it is I'm lucky I have enough bright moments to continue posting to FA, and if you've been following my Tumblr you've seen how my postings really dropped off lately. I just don't have the enthusiasm for much of anything, save for things I really don't have to put much thought into like video games and the like.
7.) There are a few people (I'm not going to name names, but you know who you are) who I've really treated like shit over the years. I haven't done it out of hate, but I haven't been as good and faithful of a friend as I should have been... and I don't see in the future that my life is going to improve, and I doubt that my habits are going to improve either. I think it's just best we call it off... we'd pretty much done that already, haven't we? I'm sorry, though, for what it's worth.
If you guys have any... like, questions or anything... ask away. I'm sure there's lots I haven't been able to write, 'cause there's a bunch I want to say but can't find the words for.
tl;dr
My life is going through another shitty period again.
I can't RP, draw, and relax in what little free time I get from school and RL concerns.
So I'm choosing not to RP. Deal with it.
I'm going to be paring down my contacts list.
Don't befriend me expecting to play with me constantly, or ask to be adopted expecting RPs every other day.
This shouldn't have needed to be said again after the first massive fuckstorm but apparently I overestimated furries
I'm sorry for being a jerkass, everyone. Life's decided to fuck me over but my behavior didn't help matters. I'm partially to blame, and if you don't want to forgive me that's okay. I'm just... putting this here, because it needs to be said.
You don't owe anyone chat, or play, not when you've obviously got enough RL on your plate to last you awhile. Focus on that, and I'm sure, when you've found your forward momentum again, your friends will be happy to welcome you back. Until then, those who are worth your time will continue to support you as best they can.
Do not feel pressured to art. Or anything else.
Do art when YOU want to. Because that's what keeps an artist happy :)
Yeah...just...yeah, I can easily see those points, agree with them, and feel the very same way myself. Hopefully this will finally make things about 125% clear to some people who still don't get it... ^^;;
Have you considered taking a drawing class in college? It'd be a way to exercise the art bug, might satisfy GE requirements (or whatever the equivalent in your college is), wouldn't add more schoolwork load since it would take the place of another class... it -could- be a win win, but everyone's situation is different. >_>
i feel for you, as i have many of the same aspects. it's hard to believe, but i often feel rather horrible that i am unable to pull you out of the funk, or out of your present life. especially after you pulled me out of my own funk, those years ago now. (holy crap. was that really 3 years ago??? has it actually been 5 years together now? .. wow.)
I'm hopeful some day in the soon-to-be future i can get you out of there and with me. and for the record, if you think you have treated me badly, you are very very wrong. you have been one of the best things in my life and a reason i am still alive this day. You are still my driving force in life, and i live my life with the idea that i will one day be a better person for you, and help you as well, and be good for you. I feel as if i need to make up for how you make me feel, and have given me.
Do what you need chou, as it's the same thing i've had to do in the past. create groups of "closer friends" and "distant friends/acquaintances". It has worked well for me, as the people i speak to grow closer to me if they want, and i in turn, grow closer to them. My closer friends realize this, understand it (as well as me) and are perfectly accepting of those rules. those that don't either remain distant if they are polite, or get blocked. simple as that.
You need the time to relax, and do fun things. I've said it before, as what i would personally do: If the art is not fun due to pressure, then i would close my commissions and request, finish my present ones, and (for the time being) drop out. let it out of your system, reduce the stress created by it, and dedicate more time to other things (be it relaxation or school or what not. but it will free your mind.) If people are pressuring you without end to RP at all time, then they are not friends. remove them. and if you want to relax, do so (you're doing that one as i would already. want to be seen? do it, then tell people you dont want to talk. or switch to invisible.)
As always, chouchou, i love you (je t'aime!), and support you. Do what you feel is needed. And as always, you have my number, and if you need a talk, or even just to hear my voice and allow you to calm down for a few minutes. call me :) i love hearing your voice as well.