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So confused...
12 years ago
General
Hello everyone, today I'll speak about my actual situation...
I'm confused, really much. About everything... Sexuality... My future... Myself... I feel like I don't know myself anymore... Or at least not as much as I thought...
I used to think that I would become a Computer Engineer. But now I feel like something is wrong, that maybe this isn't my way... And this is the problem, because I always thought to be an Engineer and I've never thought to something else... Now this that I thought it was a certainty, is not anymore what I really desire... But I don't know yet... what I want to do now in my life. I'm thinking to something related in a certain way to art and drawing, but I still need to find what I really want to do...
Myself... I feel like that's something wrong with me... Not because I'm wrong, but because I feel somewhat... different from the mass... and even thought I desire to be different, I also feel somewhat not considered, alone in a corner... I have no social life, apart from few friends with whom I hang out every Saturday... But, apart this, I'm always inside my room, surfing the net, or studying (until now)... I didn't mind this, but now I feel like I would meet new people, people who are like me, with similar interests, mentality and, above all, sexuality. Until now I was fine with this, but now I feel so unhappy... somewhat depressed, too... I would react, I would do this, but I'm still not sure of this, because I feel like I still don't know what I'm... I'm so incredibly undecided about myself...
And for what concern my sexuality... I suppose this is the main reason why I feel like this. I refer to myself as a demi-pansexual, able to love everyone, regardless from their gender and sex, but at the same time not able to love at first look... I hardly feel something romantic regard someone else... And I don't feel a real attraction to others... Instead, I'm really attracted by the act, whoever it is. This is what I've thought until now, because now I'm starting to have some others feelings, feelings who are completely new to me.... but I'm not sure of it... I still refer to me as a demi-pansexual, but I feel like I'm somewhat heading towards homosexuality... But I'm still not sure of this... It's only a sensation I had on this period, also because I suspect that I feel something for another guy I met in the web... but it's all confused... I'm really confused... I think I need to speak with someone who is of my same sexuality... Maybe they would help me to find myself... Maybe the fact is that I would do it, whoever it is, to prove that I'm really demi-pansexual... I need a confirm in order to be able to say who I'm... and for this, I would need someone who could love me as I'm... and maybe helping me to find myself. Of one think, btw, I'm sure: I don't feel asexual, because, even thought I usually don't feel attraction towards someone if I don't know them very well, I think I would really enjoy doing sex. A lot. Really much. And I desire it really much, right now... If only I was less shy and more opened...
I'm confused, really much, I really need someone who could help me to feel better... who could help me to find myself... who could make me accept myself, for what I'm.
I'm confused, really much. About everything... Sexuality... My future... Myself... I feel like I don't know myself anymore... Or at least not as much as I thought...
I used to think that I would become a Computer Engineer. But now I feel like something is wrong, that maybe this isn't my way... And this is the problem, because I always thought to be an Engineer and I've never thought to something else... Now this that I thought it was a certainty, is not anymore what I really desire... But I don't know yet... what I want to do now in my life. I'm thinking to something related in a certain way to art and drawing, but I still need to find what I really want to do...
Myself... I feel like that's something wrong with me... Not because I'm wrong, but because I feel somewhat... different from the mass... and even thought I desire to be different, I also feel somewhat not considered, alone in a corner... I have no social life, apart from few friends with whom I hang out every Saturday... But, apart this, I'm always inside my room, surfing the net, or studying (until now)... I didn't mind this, but now I feel like I would meet new people, people who are like me, with similar interests, mentality and, above all, sexuality. Until now I was fine with this, but now I feel so unhappy... somewhat depressed, too... I would react, I would do this, but I'm still not sure of this, because I feel like I still don't know what I'm... I'm so incredibly undecided about myself...
And for what concern my sexuality... I suppose this is the main reason why I feel like this. I refer to myself as a demi-pansexual, able to love everyone, regardless from their gender and sex, but at the same time not able to love at first look... I hardly feel something romantic regard someone else... And I don't feel a real attraction to others... Instead, I'm really attracted by the act, whoever it is. This is what I've thought until now, because now I'm starting to have some others feelings, feelings who are completely new to me.... but I'm not sure of it... I still refer to me as a demi-pansexual, but I feel like I'm somewhat heading towards homosexuality... But I'm still not sure of this... It's only a sensation I had on this period, also because I suspect that I feel something for another guy I met in the web... but it's all confused... I'm really confused... I think I need to speak with someone who is of my same sexuality... Maybe they would help me to find myself... Maybe the fact is that I would do it, whoever it is, to prove that I'm really demi-pansexual... I need a confirm in order to be able to say who I'm... and for this, I would need someone who could love me as I'm... and maybe helping me to find myself. Of one think, btw, I'm sure: I don't feel asexual, because, even thought I usually don't feel attraction towards someone if I don't know them very well, I think I would really enjoy doing sex. A lot. Really much. And I desire it really much, right now... If only I was less shy and more opened...
I'm confused, really much, I really need someone who could help me to feel better... who could help me to find myself... who could make me accept myself, for what I'm.
As for the other thing, can't help you there. But there's nothing wrong with any sexuality.
And I don't mean that there's something wrong in sexuality... I'm simply not completely sure of what's mine... I think I'm demi-pansexual, but I'm not 100% sure, I still could not be demi-pansexual, but something else... But I suppose I just need to do new experiences, because I have a serious lack of them...
BTW, thank you for speaking with me, I feel a bit better now ^^!
Lo so che essere in dubbio è umano, però essere assalito da tutti questi dubbi così improvvisamente... E' un qualcosa che non mi è mai capitato... Mi sono sentito spiazzato da questa situazione... Ma piano pianino credo di star riprendendo il controllo, si tratta solo del momento, credo.
Sì, quando parlammo andavo ancora scuola xD! Avevo quasi finito la quinta, se non sbaglio haha!
Infatti ci stavo pensando sopra. Ho questa passione per il disegno e per l'arte, sto pensando a che cosa potrei fare... magari potrei coniugare arte e computer insieme, le mie più grandi passioni! Infatti stavo pensando a computer grafica, ma devo ancora informarmi bene e devo guardarmi bene incontro, magari cercando anche di comparare con qualcos'altro... Insomma, ci devo pensare molto.
Sulla sessualità, la questione è che vorrei "provare" che ciò è vero, che è quello che mi sento davvero... Perchè per ora è quello che penso, ma è ancora da verificare sul campo xD! Tutto qua.
Per quanto riguarda questo ragazzo... la questione è molto complessa, ho solo un sospetto, non sono ancora sicuro di ciò. E comunque, dovrei prima parlargli molto e continuamente, prima di poter essere sicuro di ciò...
Ah, c'è un problema: lui è americano, quindi immagino sia molto difficile per me incontrarlo dal vivo, purtroppo ^^''!
Per quanto riguarda il ragazzo americano... Beh, se devo essere sincero, ho voluto svelare ció che provo, è da un pó di tempo che covavo dentro di me questo, anche se non ne ero sicuro.. ma continuando a parlargli nel tempo, ho notato una fiducia nei miei confronti decisamente alta, cosa ricambiata.. Mi ha detto il suo vero nome, dove abita, pensieri intimi, in piú é sincero quando parla con me, me lo sento. Ha perfino voluto fare una videochat con me, aiutandomi ad imparare meglio l'inglese, scrivendo perfino parola per parola quello che diceva, solo per aiutarmi... Quale persona ha abbastanza pazienza per fare ció? Ben poche... Ovviamente anche io gli ho fatto sapere il mio vero nome e dove abito. Se c'é fiducia e rispetto da ambo i lati, io mi sento a mio agio a parlarne, anche di... certe cose... Ieri ho deciso di parlarne, non potevo piú tenermi tutto dentro, e ho scoperto che pure lui prova qualcosa per me, o perlomeno é avvenuto, ma per la distanza era andata scemando... Ed in quel momento, ho deciso di rivelarmi, di sfogarmi... Lui era incredibilmente contento di sentire ció, io felice di aver rivelato quello che provo, ma poi mi sono messo a piangere, perché purtroppo c'é una distanza proibitiva tra noi due. Peró lui mi ha rincuorato... e insomma, abbiamo continuato a chattare, anche toccando certi contesti particolari... Ma mi sento cosí talmente a mio agio con lui che non mi dispiace affatto, anzi, mi piace!
Ora, io si che questa relazione non potebbe funzionare mai, a causa della distanza... Peró spero comunque di poterlo raggiungere in futuro. Non posso negare a me stesso, mi sento attratto da lui, soprattutto per il carattere, un pochino dal fisico (che a me alla fine non mi attrae piú di tanto, e ció vale per chiunque)... Penso di essere innamorato, peró potrebbe essere comunque una cosa passeggera, non so... ho semplicemente bisogno di parlargli ogni qual volta ne avró l'occasione :)!
Adesso mi sento meglio, piú felice. In caso non va, pazienza, non ho alcun rimorso, cosa che ho avvertito spesso in passato in quelle rarissime volte in cui ho avvertito delle cotte...
Per me la vita digitale fa parte di me, non potrei starci senza... lo so che sbaglio, ma io mi sento piú a mio agio qui che dal vivo.
Ovviamente ho le mie amocizie nella mia vita reale, anche se pochine... credo debba provare ad aprirmi di piú...
E magari provare cose nuove ^^!
Per quanto riguarda i miei studi, la penso come te :).
Comunque sia, ci vorrebbe davvero un raduno, non per forza con indosso delle fursuit (anche perché non ne ho una e non me la sentirei ancora di andarci in giro ^^''), anche solo per fare due chiacchiere ^^!