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Vindication
11 years ago
So you read the last journal that I put up in which I said I had something terrible happen to me? Well let me tell you a tale about this girl I once dated...a real sweetheart if you ask me. But what she did set off a spiral that has affected the quality of my life for the past year and a half.
...
It all started with the rat. Those that follow me know who I'm talking about, but those two started talking; it was innocent enough as they're both really into MLP. Whatever...and then he decides that he wants to take her as his pet. Me, as her mate at the time, said no way and no how because that's what a good mate does. And she may have hounded me about my roleplaying habits to the point where we needed to have an intervention, but I could see past her flaws and see that she was wonderful. I was good to her, and she was good to me...or so I thought. I said no. She then pressures our roommates to force me to accept her as this guy's pet, even though the only time I ever wanna lay a hand on him would be if I was bashing his fucking skull in.
What I should've done is told her that it's either me or him, and that if she chose him then GTFO. But I decided to let her have her fun, thinking it wouldn't be a thing for too long...which proved two things. One, I was a lot more naive about the situation than I should have been because open or not, that's cheating. And two, she wasn't as committed to the relationship as I was, and now the gloves were off. If that doesn't happen, then what happened at FCN doesn't happen, and then the incident at AC (or what little I remember of it) doesn't happen either. Would we still be together? Probably not, but at least the separation would have been a lot more amiable instead of her flying off the handle over shit I did not honestly remember.
But I still loved her, and I couldn't stand to think of somebody else with her.
We still had our moments together, and she still cared enough about me to not let go entirely. The next couple guys she was interested in turned out to be real winners, with two of them being all the way in Australia and the other unceremoniously dumping her for his ex at FWA; I'm not entirely sure of how that all went down, so don't hold me to it. And then she started talking to this other guy. . .and it was like he had her under a spell. She started pushing me away bit by bit, even though I still loved her. She started turning everyone in the house onto this guy, and subsequently against me for being able to see through all of this. And then...well, I'll get into that later.
But at that point, she wanted nothing more to do with me. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself, and legitimately tried to. The day came when she moved out...and I actually got to meet this dude, who turned out to be all right at first shake. I could feel a lot better about actually letting go. And I did. I was feeling better about it...but that didn't take away the pain of what happened to set all of this into motion. Yes, I did some things that led up to this...do I regret any of them? You're fuckin-A right I do...do I lose sleep over thinking about how I could've done things differently? You'd better believe it.
But did I deserve to be treated the way I did? Maybe...but at the same time, all I wanted was a second chance with her. She gave that to the Australian guys--both of them; the other guy didn't deserve it and it's likely something that we would both agree on.
So I'm just going through my journals and posts and what not, and I see she has left a journal up saying that she was back living with her mother...the same place that I drove seven hours to one-way and endure a flat tire as well as the ridicule of both her mother and her abusive scumbag husband (whom she was forced to marry at the price of not being thrown out onto the street) to rescue her from.
And that got my blood boiling for one reason, and one reason only: He abandoned her. I don't give a damn what the circumstances were, he abandoned her. Something I would never even fathom doing to a mate unless they gave me a damn good reason to...and even then, I believe in second chances. But seeing that has given me a feeling of vindication for my own faults. I know I fucked up and I know I have to live with it every day.
But I actually don't seem to mind or care right now...and you're thinking "Geez, you've put so much effort into this and now you don't care?" I don't want her back. Not until she admits to her cheating on me with someone I consider a sworn enemy; I know I shouldn't hold grudges, but this is personal. This guy wrecked a chance I had with one girl, and has corrupted another one of my ex's to think that he's not a bad guy when in fact he is. And if she didn't bow to him, then none of the drama that happened throughout that year would happened. The drama with jesie? We'd still be at least on talking terms...the drama with daniskunk? Never would've happened; I would've told her to go have fun in Australia and take lots of pictures while visiting the guy she was interested in at the time.
Now? I don't know if it's worth fighting back any more...everybody tells me about how I'm this awesome guy and all. I don't see it. People tell me that anyone would be lucky to have me as their mate...really? Then why isn't anyone jumping at the bit to get after me? But the fact of the matter is no matter how much I try to forget about her or lose any thought of her, I. Can. Not.
I don't know what else to do. In light of some more information I've gotten, I wish I couldn't say that I saw this coming. But I would be lying to myself and to everyone that would be reading this. I cannot hide how I feel any more. I still fucking love her. I still want her.
But at the same time, I don't want to be hurt any more...even if it means forgoing that second chance with her that I've been fighting so hard to get. The experiences that I've had has shaken me to the core. But y'know what they say. . .once you've hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go from there.
I think it's time that we got going...
...
It all started with the rat. Those that follow me know who I'm talking about, but those two started talking; it was innocent enough as they're both really into MLP. Whatever...and then he decides that he wants to take her as his pet. Me, as her mate at the time, said no way and no how because that's what a good mate does. And she may have hounded me about my roleplaying habits to the point where we needed to have an intervention, but I could see past her flaws and see that she was wonderful. I was good to her, and she was good to me...or so I thought. I said no. She then pressures our roommates to force me to accept her as this guy's pet, even though the only time I ever wanna lay a hand on him would be if I was bashing his fucking skull in.
What I should've done is told her that it's either me or him, and that if she chose him then GTFO. But I decided to let her have her fun, thinking it wouldn't be a thing for too long...which proved two things. One, I was a lot more naive about the situation than I should have been because open or not, that's cheating. And two, she wasn't as committed to the relationship as I was, and now the gloves were off. If that doesn't happen, then what happened at FCN doesn't happen, and then the incident at AC (or what little I remember of it) doesn't happen either. Would we still be together? Probably not, but at least the separation would have been a lot more amiable instead of her flying off the handle over shit I did not honestly remember.
But I still loved her, and I couldn't stand to think of somebody else with her.
We still had our moments together, and she still cared enough about me to not let go entirely. The next couple guys she was interested in turned out to be real winners, with two of them being all the way in Australia and the other unceremoniously dumping her for his ex at FWA; I'm not entirely sure of how that all went down, so don't hold me to it. And then she started talking to this other guy. . .and it was like he had her under a spell. She started pushing me away bit by bit, even though I still loved her. She started turning everyone in the house onto this guy, and subsequently against me for being able to see through all of this. And then...well, I'll get into that later.
But at that point, she wanted nothing more to do with me. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself, and legitimately tried to. The day came when she moved out...and I actually got to meet this dude, who turned out to be all right at first shake. I could feel a lot better about actually letting go. And I did. I was feeling better about it...but that didn't take away the pain of what happened to set all of this into motion. Yes, I did some things that led up to this...do I regret any of them? You're fuckin-A right I do...do I lose sleep over thinking about how I could've done things differently? You'd better believe it.
But did I deserve to be treated the way I did? Maybe...but at the same time, all I wanted was a second chance with her. She gave that to the Australian guys--both of them; the other guy didn't deserve it and it's likely something that we would both agree on.
So I'm just going through my journals and posts and what not, and I see she has left a journal up saying that she was back living with her mother...the same place that I drove seven hours to one-way and endure a flat tire as well as the ridicule of both her mother and her abusive scumbag husband (whom she was forced to marry at the price of not being thrown out onto the street) to rescue her from.
And that got my blood boiling for one reason, and one reason only: He abandoned her. I don't give a damn what the circumstances were, he abandoned her. Something I would never even fathom doing to a mate unless they gave me a damn good reason to...and even then, I believe in second chances. But seeing that has given me a feeling of vindication for my own faults. I know I fucked up and I know I have to live with it every day.
But I actually don't seem to mind or care right now...and you're thinking "Geez, you've put so much effort into this and now you don't care?" I don't want her back. Not until she admits to her cheating on me with someone I consider a sworn enemy; I know I shouldn't hold grudges, but this is personal. This guy wrecked a chance I had with one girl, and has corrupted another one of my ex's to think that he's not a bad guy when in fact he is. And if she didn't bow to him, then none of the drama that happened throughout that year would happened. The drama with jesie? We'd still be at least on talking terms...the drama with daniskunk? Never would've happened; I would've told her to go have fun in Australia and take lots of pictures while visiting the guy she was interested in at the time.
Now? I don't know if it's worth fighting back any more...everybody tells me about how I'm this awesome guy and all. I don't see it. People tell me that anyone would be lucky to have me as their mate...really? Then why isn't anyone jumping at the bit to get after me? But the fact of the matter is no matter how much I try to forget about her or lose any thought of her, I. Can. Not.
I don't know what else to do. In light of some more information I've gotten, I wish I couldn't say that I saw this coming. But I would be lying to myself and to everyone that would be reading this. I cannot hide how I feel any more. I still fucking love her. I still want her.
But at the same time, I don't want to be hurt any more...even if it means forgoing that second chance with her that I've been fighting so hard to get. The experiences that I've had has shaken me to the core. But y'know what they say. . .once you've hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go from there.
I think it's time that we got going...
