Lately I've been thinking about a certain someone. I miss that person at times, but it could also be due to the fact that I haven't been single for this long in a really long time. I used to jump from relationship to relationship a lot because I liked having someone to sorta curl up with at night even if it was all in chat.

However, I've been making a lot of asexual friends lately, and I am starting to realize I don't need someone as badly as my heart wants it. It's more of an impulse now, the fact that it feels like I fit in when I have a mate. Like I am normal. It's stupid to think that way, but after a few events with a friend of benefits of mine, I realize that as good as sex feels, it doesn't fulfill me the way a good friend would.

At times I did think to myself, "Hey, Alma, what if you ended up in a poly relationship? How about a relationship with an asexual?" It was surprisingly not hard to see myself being in a polyamorous relationship. I am not a jealous person most of the time. I have gotten over some people who I had crushes in after I became a single once again. It is now that I realize how impulsive I was to just love whomever. Sometimes I even feel like I don't need to love anyone, and I realize "THAT'S IT! That's what being single is about! It's not about the constant search of your 'special someone', but about the search of your happiness in general." I did wonder to myself how I could be physically close with someone without having them get the wrong idea. In the end, all we ever want is someone to hold, but who says it has to be a mate? Having that person be a mate is like a norm. Like you can't touch someone unless that person is emotionally and romantically close to you. It's the norm that people think that if you hug someone and rest your head on that person's shoulders, it is a sign of romantic affection. I couldn't do that with just anyone. Maybe with Deretto. He knows that my relationship with him is nothing more than that of the affection of a close friend. And this is when I realized, "Hey, maybe I could be with an asexual person." But I don't need to have an asexual as a mate just to be physically close with someone.

Down the road, I know that my lust drive is going to fade away. I have my urges at times, as I said, I do have a friend with benefits, but I am quickly realizing how little I care about sex. Not to say I won't do it with people I care for, but it's starting to become as more of a casual activity to me as opposed to something intimate. And just like any casual activity, I can just not do it. I don't need it. And this realization is probably the moment I grew up a little on the inside.

Now I realize all I ever need is just a friend who I can be physically close with and who reciprocates the closeness. That's so often connotative with the urge of needing someone to have as a mate, but in the end all you need is a good friend that won't take your physical approaches as more than just the need for physical attention.

We all need hugs sometimes.

I cherish the things that my asexual friends have made me realize. You guys are the best. <3

And if down the road I end up in a relationship, now that I have purged all that need for sex out of my body that came with being a teenager/young adult, I can finally appreciate my partner past the need for sex. Not to say I won't be adaptable to their sexual needs. I can be REALLY sexual, but what I was lacking was an 'off' switch. Finally I feel like I have some self control.