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About my sexuality
12 years ago
*Fair warning - this is a long journal, you really don't have to read it unless you want to*
There's something I've felt like sharing for a while now. I did for some time realize exactly why made me change from one year turn out being bi to then the next year say I'm gay to nowadays say I'm bi with a gay preference. I talked to someone about it (here in Sweden, IRL), and she and I concluded it has a lot to do with my bad history of being used. This isn't about generalizing - I just have a history of being used by and tricked by and lied by people I've dated online who all have happened to be of the female gender. I've dated assholes of the male gender too, sure... but it wasn't the same thing.
I was even used by one girl in particular to a point of thinking someone would come to me in Sweden from the US, and I actually waited for her at an airport. This was 4 years ago now, I think. Anyway, she obviously didn't come... then she told me the next night she was going to die soon. I got devastated and cried and scream more than I've ever done about anything... then I put all the pieces together, seeing a lot of things she has said to me and done that doesn't add up... realizing she's been lying and using me. So then I cried for that shit. It ended up with me getting into a state for maybe 2 days of not having any emotions, like some sort of defense response from my body to not get completely fucked up by sadness, you know?
It's not that I of course don't feel like I could end up together with a girl as well as with a guy. At this point, I've realized it doesn't matter to me. I just have a "preference to guys", being more cautious and careful with girls, being scared to death of being used ever again like I've been. I know it's stupid and prejudgmental, and I know guys can use people too... not to mention, I AM cautious with guys too thanks to shitty experience dating some of those too. But this is a scar I'm left with... something I've been working on a lot to get rid of. I can't completely get rid of it, but that's just how it is. It still doesn't matter what gender or sex or whatever the person will have I'll end up with - what happens, happens.
... I'm just scared I will now with this personal information upset or hurt anyone. I really don't hope so. I am very grateful to my friends regardless of their gender. Like I just said, it doesn't matter. If anything, the female friends I have gained online tend to be more like me - they're cuddly and loves hugging and just being overall sweet. Guys can be too, but... let's face it, it tends to usually be more "distancy" with lots of us. We tend to just shake hand, pat shoulder, and very rarely hug... and usually when it comes to hugging, it's a rather "non-soft" hug, either being a getto hug or a tackle hug.
This is something that really makes me feel pissed off in real life honestly. I get this type of "emotional support" only from my mother and to a less extent from my grandma. Remember my "closest real life friend" I've talked about? The one I see, like, once every second month; once each month at most? We've never hugged each other. Ever.
And the only gay guy I know in real life (well, technically bi with a gay preference like me)... been trying to hang out with him, sure. But not only would he never hug me or anything... he once gave me this incredibly awkward question if I wanted to be his "BJ buddy". Yes, it's exactly what you think it is. Someone who never kissed or cuddled with me, hugged me or anything... he wanted me to occassionally give him a BJ. Delightful.
Sexual acts might be fine in a relationship, but I would only want it as an expression of showing the unconditional pure caring like I'd have for someone, not just do it for the sake of it. All I want is to have someone to live with. Someone to give me emotional support whenever I need it, someone I can give emotional support whenever he or she needs it. Hugging, cuddling, falling asleep together... someone to make me feel safe and loved and forget my problems. That's all I'd want. I think that would make me more stable as a person. I don't care if it's a guy or girl or anything inbetween.
Hmm... doesn't that make me "pansexual with a gay preference"? Nah... that makes no sense. >_< Uhm... anyway, just felt like sharing all of this with me. If you actually decided to take your time to read through all of this... thank you. I hope any of this gave you something. It sure feels good to be able to just get it all out. *hugs you* :3 <3
There's something I've felt like sharing for a while now. I did for some time realize exactly why made me change from one year turn out being bi to then the next year say I'm gay to nowadays say I'm bi with a gay preference. I talked to someone about it (here in Sweden, IRL), and she and I concluded it has a lot to do with my bad history of being used. This isn't about generalizing - I just have a history of being used by and tricked by and lied by people I've dated online who all have happened to be of the female gender. I've dated assholes of the male gender too, sure... but it wasn't the same thing.
I was even used by one girl in particular to a point of thinking someone would come to me in Sweden from the US, and I actually waited for her at an airport. This was 4 years ago now, I think. Anyway, she obviously didn't come... then she told me the next night she was going to die soon. I got devastated and cried and scream more than I've ever done about anything... then I put all the pieces together, seeing a lot of things she has said to me and done that doesn't add up... realizing she's been lying and using me. So then I cried for that shit. It ended up with me getting into a state for maybe 2 days of not having any emotions, like some sort of defense response from my body to not get completely fucked up by sadness, you know?
It's not that I of course don't feel like I could end up together with a girl as well as with a guy. At this point, I've realized it doesn't matter to me. I just have a "preference to guys", being more cautious and careful with girls, being scared to death of being used ever again like I've been. I know it's stupid and prejudgmental, and I know guys can use people too... not to mention, I AM cautious with guys too thanks to shitty experience dating some of those too. But this is a scar I'm left with... something I've been working on a lot to get rid of. I can't completely get rid of it, but that's just how it is. It still doesn't matter what gender or sex or whatever the person will have I'll end up with - what happens, happens.
... I'm just scared I will now with this personal information upset or hurt anyone. I really don't hope so. I am very grateful to my friends regardless of their gender. Like I just said, it doesn't matter. If anything, the female friends I have gained online tend to be more like me - they're cuddly and loves hugging and just being overall sweet. Guys can be too, but... let's face it, it tends to usually be more "distancy" with lots of us. We tend to just shake hand, pat shoulder, and very rarely hug... and usually when it comes to hugging, it's a rather "non-soft" hug, either being a getto hug or a tackle hug.
This is something that really makes me feel pissed off in real life honestly. I get this type of "emotional support" only from my mother and to a less extent from my grandma. Remember my "closest real life friend" I've talked about? The one I see, like, once every second month; once each month at most? We've never hugged each other. Ever.
And the only gay guy I know in real life (well, technically bi with a gay preference like me)... been trying to hang out with him, sure. But not only would he never hug me or anything... he once gave me this incredibly awkward question if I wanted to be his "BJ buddy". Yes, it's exactly what you think it is. Someone who never kissed or cuddled with me, hugged me or anything... he wanted me to occassionally give him a BJ. Delightful.
Sexual acts might be fine in a relationship, but I would only want it as an expression of showing the unconditional pure caring like I'd have for someone, not just do it for the sake of it. All I want is to have someone to live with. Someone to give me emotional support whenever I need it, someone I can give emotional support whenever he or she needs it. Hugging, cuddling, falling asleep together... someone to make me feel safe and loved and forget my problems. That's all I'd want. I think that would make me more stable as a person. I don't care if it's a guy or girl or anything inbetween.
Hmm... doesn't that make me "pansexual with a gay preference"? Nah... that makes no sense. >_< Uhm... anyway, just felt like sharing all of this with me. If you actually decided to take your time to read through all of this... thank you. I hope any of this gave you something. It sure feels good to be able to just get it all out. *hugs you* :3 <3
I'm terribly sorry these things have happened to you, and it helps give me some better understanding of you too. I had someone here on FA blackmail me after they didn't want any emotional or friendly connection with me because I wasn't her perfect boytoy to fuck with, so I do understand that sense of innate distrust -- not that I condemn the female gender for one horrible person.
I'm also sorry I haven't talked much these days. Being the anxious one I am, I can't think of anything to say half the time. It's a little strange for me to approach others with conversation. When I do, I tend to be more thoughtful and poignant when I can.