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...I want to talk to you... but...
11 years ago
...when I saw my friends... having fun with each other without me... my jealousy rages... I cry... alone in my bedroom... no one to come rescue me from my cage... my heart hurts... calling for help...
...I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I haven't been a good friend and talk to you... I'm just... so anti-social and can't make any friends to be with all the time... I'm so quiet... I'm so Silent... I don't talk at all... I'm afraid to lose any of you... I don't want to cause trouble... I don't want to be a burden... I just want to be a good friend you can rely on too... but... I'm not a person you can actually rely on... I'm just a failure... just a drama freak... just trash to you... I'm not meaningful at all to you aren't I...? ...No one talks to me because I don't talk to them... but I actually want to... I really want to... I would love to be your best friend in the world... I want to hang out with you... but I can't... because I'm too scared... to actually talk at all... I realize that I haven't been talking with any of you... I'm ashamed of myself... of what I can't go back and change... That I'm lonely... only with friends around the world who I can't interact with personally... I want to feel your hugs... I want to feel your warmth... I want to feel your kind... to know that... you want me to stay in this world with you... Every time you go away from the computer while we chat... I waited... and waited for you... to come back and talk to me... but you don't... you go talk to someone else... besides me, who is waiting for an answer... I always let you go do your stuff... but you never give the time to want to be deeper friends with me... you leave me... in the position of killing myself... who ain't worthy of your friendship... I want to talk normally... like my real self... but I hide it behind my words... of jealousy... I cry every time you leave the chat... I cry every time you leave me alone... and never promising me... you break it... with lies... lies that can hurt no more... than my fragile heart... that breaks mentally... slowly... quietly... unheard...
...I'm sorry guys... I'm just writing my feelings out... I want to talk to you... really... especially my special friends... who was worth my time... I know many won't read this... and find me useless...
...I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I haven't been a good friend and talk to you... I'm just... so anti-social and can't make any friends to be with all the time... I'm so quiet... I'm so Silent... I don't talk at all... I'm afraid to lose any of you... I don't want to cause trouble... I don't want to be a burden... I just want to be a good friend you can rely on too... but... I'm not a person you can actually rely on... I'm just a failure... just a drama freak... just trash to you... I'm not meaningful at all to you aren't I...? ...No one talks to me because I don't talk to them... but I actually want to... I really want to... I would love to be your best friend in the world... I want to hang out with you... but I can't... because I'm too scared... to actually talk at all... I realize that I haven't been talking with any of you... I'm ashamed of myself... of what I can't go back and change... That I'm lonely... only with friends around the world who I can't interact with personally... I want to feel your hugs... I want to feel your warmth... I want to feel your kind... to know that... you want me to stay in this world with you... Every time you go away from the computer while we chat... I waited... and waited for you... to come back and talk to me... but you don't... you go talk to someone else... besides me, who is waiting for an answer... I always let you go do your stuff... but you never give the time to want to be deeper friends with me... you leave me... in the position of killing myself... who ain't worthy of your friendship... I want to talk normally... like my real self... but I hide it behind my words... of jealousy... I cry every time you leave the chat... I cry every time you leave me alone... and never promising me... you break it... with lies... lies that can hurt no more... than my fragile heart... that breaks mentally... slowly... quietly... unheard...
...I'm sorry guys... I'm just writing my feelings out... I want to talk to you... really... especially my special friends... who was worth my time... I know many won't read this... and find me useless...
I can say that you're like me, i person who just too shy to talk, or have no topic to talk about. Actually i been hurt before, many times along my whole life, i been alone for years and decided to make the first step to make friends, i might have a few ones i can really trust, but actually, I fear everyday for the lose... if you ask me, what i fear most, to death or a life alone, i would answer that i am more afraid to be alone again than death itself. That's the fear i live everyday, the fear i can't let go easily, the darkness of my own heart, the darkness of my own soul, my greatest weakness.
People not notice this since i commonly "smile" (the most i can), but actually that smile is just a mask that hide my own fears and sadness...
Also i have not found anyone who has the same interest that i have, no one who i could be totally open.
I am more open here than in my real life.
What i am afraid the most is to be alone again.
If you ever need a friend to talk to, you got me dood.
If you talk with me etc. just dont worry :3 i wont do something bad to you or anything *smiles*
I also enjoy talking with ya buddy *chuckles* and dont worry if im gone from com i will come back :3 *pat*
Its ok to write down ya heart i can understand how you must feel about it <:3