I was about to post this as a comment to the main journal, and then realized holy crap I didn't want to hear most of the bullshit flames that would come my way from it. So you guys get to suffer!

~~~~~

You know, throughout most of this I'd been trying to stay carefully neutral on who's to blame and finger-pointing when it comes to the rumors surrounding Zaush. I've seen what rumors can do to outstanding individuals... how it can destroy their lives and tear down decades upon decades of hard work as they sit around, watching helplessly as their world crumbles.

On top of that, let's be real, this all comes down to he said she said. No one knows nor ever will know what had happened except for those directly involved. That's what it all boils down to.

But this announcement... this journal entry... I couldn't even finish reading through it. I don't know why the trigger hadn't been struck before with everything that had been discussed, all the accusations and painful experiences flared about, but for some reason, this announcement flipped the trigger and opened the flood gates. I'm in tears right now. Why? I'm glad that, from what it seems, not a single person involved in this announcement knows what it's like to be sexually assaulted or raped. No one seems to have any clue that rib-crushing fear of not being believed, even by those you love and trust the most, or worse, be told you 'really wanted it' or are just coming up with an excuse. It seems not a single individual has done the research to find that a natural instinct for a rape victim is to bathe, to shower, to scrub every inch of skin on your body and to not stop until your just short of bleeding, and even then the gross, the filth, seems to cling, to suffocate, to choke you out when you want to scream the most. No one making this announcement has been just outside and around the corner from a police station and broken down in sobs so strong that you double over and suddenly going in there is one of the hardest things you've ever had to do in your life. Not to mention the humiliation of approaching a triage nurse, of being examined, of struggling so hard to pull your shattered world together and the only real comfort you have is a small ziploc bag with toiletries and white socks and clean white underwear. And then to be told there's no evidence, no real case to build upon, by then you just want to leave it all behind and focus on just pulling your own life together and forget the rest of the world and forget the part of the city that it all happened in even exists, because you know that if you hadn't followed instinct, if you hadn't showered first, but gone straight to the hospital, there would have been a case. So in part, even though logic and basic psych 101 says it's not your fault, there's a part of you screaming at you because you knew that if you hadn't followed instinct, if you hadn't run to the shower to try to scrub all that bone-deep filth off of you, there would have been a case. And by then there's no energy left. No real will to fight. Just mustering the will to try to bring the pieces of your life together is a constant day-to-day struggle that drains you of all your energy so there feels to be little left but an empty shell. But you still have to smile and laugh and pretend to be okay, or those around you will worry, and pry, and if you tell them they might not believe you, and that's the worst sort of pain and hell there is.

I can't... I can't even fathom anyone on this announcement has ever had to be dragged through that sort of hell, because I'd imagine if anyone had, they would have been a little more sensitive in their wording. Or maybe I'm just still learning my triggers, even after all these years. A good friend of mine found it with the initial announcement and spread of the rumors, especially with the horrendous way both Dragoneer and the accused initially reacted on Twitter. Now it seems it's my turn. I thought I could just roll with this, like I have with all the other drama episodes this damned site has gone through. But... I dunno. I just... I dunno anymore.