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A Deconstruction of a Newspaper Article About Healthy Eating
12 years ago
Today, a group of important scientists concluded a 10-person study involving the health impacts of eating certain kinds of foods.
The two-week study suggested that a regular diet high in foods like whole grains, apples, strawberries, blueberries, bananers, peanuts, spinach, kale, and lean meats results in lower rates of obesity and death by natural causes in women aged 55-60 years.
Comments section:
Comment 1: "This study is great news and long overdue. Maybe this will get people to stop eating so much junk food and HFCS. Hey, maybe we should stop calling it HFCS and start calling it by another acronym -- EVIL. EVIL INCARNATE."
Comment 2: "Hey, can't you at least link to the study? Some of us might want to nitpick at it in detail. Thanks!"
Comment 3: "Correlation does not equal causation. Did you control for all of the other factors contributing toward obesity and death by natural causes? What are 'natural causes' anyway? That's such a subjective term."
Comment 4: "There were only 10 people in the study? Women aged 55-60? What?? Who exactly is funding ridiculously narrow studies like this, and how are they getting articles in such a well-respected newspaper?"
Comment 5: "There's a lot more to obesity than just what you eat, you know. When I was prescribed a medication regimen by my doctor, I gained 40 pounds in a month. When I went to a different doctor who said I shouldn't be taking it, I lost those 40 pounds again just like that. The medication was to blame, not my diet."
Comment 6: "So... a diet consisting entirely of smaller dragons and gryphons isn't good after all? But if I don't have a healthy girth, how am I supposed to attract more foolish prey into giving me bellyhugs?"
Comment 7: "Peanuts? Peanuts?! Some people have peanut allergies, you know! We won't be losing any weight or staving off natural causes. Does 'anaphylactic shock' mean anything to you?!"
Comment 8: "Pretty good study... except for the part about eating lean meat. If you go level 5 vegan -- never eat anything that casts a shadow -- then you'll live forever. You don't see too many immortal people walking around because few people have the guts to try it."
Comment 9: "If I ate spinach and kale, then the rare genetic condition that only my family (on my father's side) has would cause the large amounts of vitamin K to metabolize too slowly and give me vitamin K toxicity. This is not good advice for people with my condition. Greetings."
Comment 10: "Great, more people telling us what to eat. Today it's this, tomorrow the Government will tell us that every American must eat twelve cups of broccoli every day until the next health study debunks it. I'll stick to eating nothing except tofu, thank you very much. At least gratuitous consumption of soybeans never hurt anyone."
Comment 11: "Hey, Comment 1 up there. 'EVIL INCARNATE' isn't an acronym. Idiot."
The two-week study suggested that a regular diet high in foods like whole grains, apples, strawberries, blueberries, bananers, peanuts, spinach, kale, and lean meats results in lower rates of obesity and death by natural causes in women aged 55-60 years.
Comments section:
Comment 1: "This study is great news and long overdue. Maybe this will get people to stop eating so much junk food and HFCS. Hey, maybe we should stop calling it HFCS and start calling it by another acronym -- EVIL. EVIL INCARNATE."
Comment 2: "Hey, can't you at least link to the study? Some of us might want to nitpick at it in detail. Thanks!"
Comment 3: "Correlation does not equal causation. Did you control for all of the other factors contributing toward obesity and death by natural causes? What are 'natural causes' anyway? That's such a subjective term."
Comment 4: "There were only 10 people in the study? Women aged 55-60? What?? Who exactly is funding ridiculously narrow studies like this, and how are they getting articles in such a well-respected newspaper?"
Comment 5: "There's a lot more to obesity than just what you eat, you know. When I was prescribed a medication regimen by my doctor, I gained 40 pounds in a month. When I went to a different doctor who said I shouldn't be taking it, I lost those 40 pounds again just like that. The medication was to blame, not my diet."
Comment 6: "So... a diet consisting entirely of smaller dragons and gryphons isn't good after all? But if I don't have a healthy girth, how am I supposed to attract more foolish prey into giving me bellyhugs?"
Comment 7: "Peanuts? Peanuts?! Some people have peanut allergies, you know! We won't be losing any weight or staving off natural causes. Does 'anaphylactic shock' mean anything to you?!"
Comment 8: "Pretty good study... except for the part about eating lean meat. If you go level 5 vegan -- never eat anything that casts a shadow -- then you'll live forever. You don't see too many immortal people walking around because few people have the guts to try it."
Comment 9: "If I ate spinach and kale, then the rare genetic condition that only my family (on my father's side) has would cause the large amounts of vitamin K to metabolize too slowly and give me vitamin K toxicity. This is not good advice for people with my condition. Greetings."
Comment 10: "Great, more people telling us what to eat. Today it's this, tomorrow the Government will tell us that every American must eat twelve cups of broccoli every day until the next health study debunks it. I'll stick to eating nothing except tofu, thank you very much. At least gratuitous consumption of soybeans never hurt anyone."
Comment 11: "Hey, Comment 1 up there. 'EVIL INCARNATE' isn't an acronym. Idiot."
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