Going crazy working this job. Cried the past two days, including today, when I got home. Yesterday was a mental breakdown from all the little things that kept me from getting home and into bed before noon. Today? The persistant feeling of being trapped in a job I don't want, locked into a sleep schedule that either kills most of my potential interview times or my social life. I so long to sleep to darkness and awake to sunlight. Or at least to sleep when everyone else in this house does, from late at night to early morning. My soul craves it, and I suspect my body wants the vitamin D from sunlight. I don't know why I took a third shift during the winter; it was a bad idea.

But I'm not allowed to quit. I'm not allowed to just turn off my phone and my light, slip back into bed, and sleep until dawn. Not allowed to just hand my supervisor my keys, or place them on her desk, and leave that building forever. Even if we never get more than four people, which I doubt we'll hold on to even that many, people will continue to insist that the situation will improve, and I need to wait until the third week. I guess that's when the numbing of your emotions starts, so I must be there. I just don't care anymore if I complete everything to her satisfaction. Manager told us we're supposed to let things get worse so the people upstairs will want to hire more workers. But again, we're not getting more than four. I have worked many janitor jobs, and this is quite possibly the worst one, if I'm not just biased due to my anxiety. (Don't let your kids take Prozac; I found out last month it may cause anxiety in their adult years. I took it and I'm in my adult years, and yeah, I got anxiety. Hooray for modern medicine.) Even so, I pretty much just want to call in my last two weeks, at the least, so I have some hope of leaving this place for good. No, I don't have another job lined up, and I don't want to wait until I do. I'll take the consequences so long as I can get my sleep back to normal.

It feels like every time I try to move forward, someone or something just dogpiles on my heart and forces me back. Now, I won't say it's the entire problem, but I do believe in spiritual warfare. I would not be surprised to find the devil has sent his minions to knock me down now and then. I'm no fool. I know the war is still on, and Ephesians 6 is still valid. If you're not a professed Christian, I could understand you being skeptical of this. Yet I tell you this, I have met so many of the faith, both liberal and conservative, who refuse to accept that the devil is doing anything today. Apparently, because Jesus won the victory on the cross, this means the war is over. It means we don't have to fight anymore; we're just all one big, happy family living in Leave It to Beaver. And all the conflict in the world is just because of human beings and their selfish ways.

Bullshit.

We're living in Saving Private Ryan, in Lord of the Rings, in War of the Worlds. We have an Enemy in this world, and only two thirds of its power come from human beings, either inside us or from others around us. But the Bible is quite clear that there are also demons with great power and authority over us, still lurking in the world and seeking to harm those who dare to preach Christ's Gospel. And they have enough spite to assault the hearts and minds of every human being on earth, regardless of who they are. And the Church seems very keen on ignoring this fact. I suppose this is because it doesn't fit into the traditions of church culture, that it derails the narrative of being God's protected children. Except we were never promised a life of comfort and ease. I've lived that life. It is hell. You can't live like that without giving up on your deeper desires, and perhaps a large chunk of your self-respect. Some slaves learn to enjoy their chains because they fear their inability to provide for themselves.

I guess, if I'm honest, I'm still questioning whether I'm ready to take on this world. Lots of people would take my writings here to be complaining, or to be proof that I just can't handle real life. Maybe they're right. I don't know. But third shift is driving me insane. A part time job would be more ideal. I could use the weekdays I have off to work on my stories all day, or most of it, and save the weekends and evenings for leisure. But as it is now? I'm working six days a week, full time, so while I'm only working forty hours (except last week because of my supervisor's pride in a job done right), I don't have a real weekend. I work Saturday morning, and then I have to be to work Monday, just a few hours after Sunday has past. It's not a real weekend. God help me, my birthday's gonna be just like Sunday if I don't quit or find another job soon.

Hah. But how do I find a new job, or work on my writing, when I'm tempted by Sloth and Lust to just waste my time until work? I brought up a couple things recently, yes, looking for jobs that might do me good. I haven't touched them yet, partly because I slept almost all day yesterday, waking up just in time to post something online and go to work. I suppose I will, if only to quiet every "helpful person" who insists I'll get nowhere if I don't fill out applications. Yes, thank you. Not like I'm unaware of why my life sucks so much. I know that it's all my fault, so you can go screw yourselves.

But in truth, it's not my fault. Not in full. Yes, I give into temptation a lot, and yes, I have not been diligent in finding new employment. Yet if the devil really is active in the world, and as wicked as the Bible portrays him, then there's a good chance that many of the thoughts and emotions that drive me insane are his work, and not just my own psychological hang-ups. Or the wounds in my soul. Hell, no one believes in that either. It's the "Modern Age", so many Christians take the "rational" route in explaining the world, mingling it with enough scripture to make sure they don't sound like atheists, and concoct a pleasant-sounding philosophy for approaching life. In truth, it's often a Godless one, meant to help people "get on with life" instead of getting closer to God's heart. And then when it doesn't work, they blame themselves, their own imperfect natures, and pick up the boulder to try and carry it back up the hill it just rolled down. A pointless waste of energy, and in truth, a sign of distrusting God.

I am guilty of it myself because it's the easier path to take. Blame yourself. Say it's your fault, that you're just not doing it right. I've also gone to the other extreme, becoming paranoid and convinced that the devil is behind every misfortune or mental hang-up. Neither one is accurate since the truth lies somewhere in the middle, with a bit of God's interference to keep us from settling for less than the life he promises. I'm sure I got a taste of it once of twice before. I still hunger for that life, but who will help me attain it? I find surprisingly few allies online. Either Christians who think I've fallen in love with the writings of a heretic, or those who seem to believe you can reinterpret scripture to justify any sort of behavior. Both strike me as people who just refuse to trust God, and insist on their own way, regardless of political or social beliefs.

Perhaps I'm being unfair. I have issues with trust, and I've been something of a Pharisee in my past, refusing to partake in most forms of "worldly entertainment". Bought into the Church Culture myths in total, and was angry with those who refused to accept them as well. Even thought non-believers were some sort of evil menace to society. It's kinda what I was taught, and I bought into it, because it seemed to promise the kind of life I craved, and perhaps made up for how cruel the kids were to me in school. I imagine there's still a touch of that attitude in me, and I tend toward "Lawful Good" these days because I feel some are rejecting all traditional interpretations of scripture without really looking them over first. And I feel a call to remind people that just because something is old does not mean it is worthless. I think our society should keep that in mind, as the ancients kept their elders around for advice, instead of just large checks written out for Christmas and their birthdays. The only real difference between the very young and the very old is experience. When you have a difficult situation, it pays to have someone with experience who can give you insight into it.

Heh. My, how I ramble. I guess this is how my mind works. God knows if this is good or bad, or if it just needs a little taming. He doesn't seem to mind my rambling prayers. I believe he told me he enjoyed them. Who knew?

In any case, I just feel trapped. And God knows how long it'll be before I snap again and do something really stupid. I don't think I'm bad enough to lose my virginity or anything like that. But right now, I feel like running off to a friend's place for a few days, at least until I can get my mind back in order and stop crying before I sleep. Truth be told, I only do it because everyone is out of the house and only the dog and God can hear me. And I'm pretty sure only one of them really cares.

I really think I should just quit. I'm showing signs of depression. Slept way more than usual yesterday, not enough today, diminished appetite, suicidal thoughts (not so much killing myself as just not wanting to live anymore), and... well, not sure what else. I don't really feel like doing much except finding ways out of this job. I really could just quit and devote myself to finding new employment, or working some temp jobs through a local agency. Anything to get off of third shift and back onto a regular, sane sleep schedule. Maybe my mother can do this, but I don't think I can, and I've ceased any desire to try when there are other possibilities. I don't have kids anyway, so what reason do I have to keep a shitty job that's driving me crazy?

Hell, if you offered me a large sum of money to quit my job, I would do it in a heartbeat and not look back, and damn the consequences. Yet the odds of that happening are pretty slim, and I'm not one to just accept a total stranger's help if I don't know them that well. Even in my city, there are people you can't trust.

Ah well. I guess that's enough venting for now. No idea what I'm going to do now though. Life just seems to have lost its joy, and I'm tired of listening to "good advice" that only seems to tie me down to misery. I'll see you around. Not like I'm about to jump in front of a bus or something. I hate to see my mother cry.