this has been an interesting set of events. ive kinda been out of a job yet had a job at the same time. i do snow removal but i live in Utah so our winters are very unreliable lol so since december when i started ive only made about barely $700. idk if im just being lazy but i really dont want to work... yet at the same time i need money... and i spend a lot of my day i just spend watching anime at home and playing games when i could at least be writing or doing art or hell even looking for another job. idk whats wrong with me if there is anything wrong at all. is it the fear of going through 6 jobs in a year again like last year? is it the fear of failure? is it just the fear of myself? idk... but it keeps me up all night and then i sleep the day away like some bum. idk what to do anymore.... sleeping makes me hurt, eating makes me sick and the though of working even tho it would be a wonderful reprieve from this maddening life style ive been leading the last few months i just dont know what to do anymore. it seems like the skills i learned in my tech class in highschool and all these industry certifications: IC3/GS3 Adobe Photoshop CS3 and CS5 and Flash CS5 mean nothing anymore..... hell im even an Eagle Scout.... all of these things were obtained on the assurance that they would help me out in life and help me obtain good jobs.... and yet nothing has happened.... its like staring at a Piano all over again.

I used to be an excellent Pianist but an accident when i was younger took that pleasure from me. i hear these songs in my head and when i see a piano they demand to be played but my right hand doesnt work the way it should anymore and so the Piano mocks my inability to play properly. its maddening. that bastard took my one joy in this world from me and now i suffer the maddening pain of not bringing myself the joy and accomplishment that i once could. i can make words flow onto a page and create worlds like that of a God.... not that i think myself as much. i am no divine being and i couldnt handle the responsibility of such anyway. but lately it seems like i cannot finish anything i start well no it doesnt seem that way... it is that way. the Muse within me burns brightly and begins to come forth for an instant then dies off like that of autumn into winter. it feels so cold now..... like my life is withering away into meaningless nothing.... it scares me..... to be nothing.......

have the Gods forsaken me?
Odin is this what you wanted for your son?
Loki, wasnt i fun enough?
What about you Hades? Wasnt i good enough?
Hephaestus didnt i honor you by sticking to everything i set my hands on?
Eros.... didnt i show my purity and servitude when i made sure there was room in my heart for everyone but myself?

Yes i know those gods are from 2 different Pagan cultures but im half Itallian and half Icelandic and the Roman names do not fit their stolen Greek Counterparts well enough so i will not show them dishonor by using their other names heh....

God if my birthdad could see me now.... im sure he would be so disappointing......

may you rest in peace Ofursti Steinolf Ævarsson i wish we could have met once before you passed. you did your job well daddy.......