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No excuses, just honesty
11 years ago
So, someone asked me a rather pertinent question on my "TMI Tuesday" journal. "When's the next story going to be posted?" The answer was simple, but there's a lot going on in the background and almost all of it, both positive and negative, is going on in my head. So, I just want to try and explain what's going on so you guys can hopefully understand what's taking so long.
March 13'th, 2010, I had no submissions, and really no watchers other than those people who automatically do watch-backs. I was browsing FA for some of my favorite kinks and coming up empty. Those kinks tend to be rather niche, and all of the visual submissions that catered to it, I had already seen. I had started searching for written submissions and getting very frustrated with the results that came up. Too often, the stories were way too short and lacking description, or full of hemaphrodites (no disrespect intended, but when there's four characters in an orgy and every one of them is referred to as "hir" it makes it impossible to follow what's going on), or lacking any coherent transitions also making it difficult or impossible to understand what was going on, or diving into a different branch of said kinks that was actually a turn-off for me.
(yes, being vague so this journal can be semi-sfw. If you read my stories, you know what I'm talking about anyway).
It took me a while to get to this point, but I finally said, "You know what, this is utterly futile. Maybe I can do a quick story to show them how it's done." At this stage, my motivation was frustration. I wanted to lead by example, and I had a head full of notes of all the things that they were doing wrong, so for me it was as simple as writing a story that sidestepped all the problems the other stories had.
So, I did.
The story certainly lacked any sort of inspiration. The setting and premise were as generic as they could get. The characters were stock. The "villain" was cliché. About the only thing that really stood out was, coincidentally, my taking a brief step outside of my comfort zone to progress the sexual narrative into some territory I wasn't familiar with or into. But I suppose it had a decent enough flow, the main character was developed just enough for the reader to really understand what was going on inside his head, and there was enough detail and smooth flow in the sexual scenes for people to follow along without trouble.
That the story did decently was honestly a surprise to me. I pretty much had no watchers at that point, and the FA community is still primarily visual based, let's be honest with ourselves here. So when I racked up about a dozen favorites, a couple of comments, a few new watchers, and even fan art? Just...wow! I was completely taken back by all that. This changed everything. Some of the comments were even by people I watched on FA and I really enjoyed their work, so I was almost giddy. Watchers, I mean, people wanted to follow me in case I posted more? Amazing. And fan art? That was the most surprising thing of all, to me. That some people liked it so much that they put in their own time and effort into giving me illustrations? That put a huge smile on my face, I just couldn't believe it.
And keep in mind, in this timeframe, the submission only had just under a thousand views. I was so buoyed by all that, that I had it in my mind that maybe I'd write a sequel. I hadn't really planned on writing any more when I first posted the submission, but hell, if people liked it, then why not write more?
It took months before I'd sit down and write again (September 7th). For those who know me, I've described the event as "the stars aligning". Because for me to write, there has to be a really hard-to-hit sweet spot of horny enough to think of some really dazzling things, but not horny enough to actually lose focus or masturbate and just outright lose it.
When I did write, I did so out of arrogance, I admit. I didn't have a plan. I didn't have any real ideas beyond the rather nebulous concepts of "go bigger, go stronger this time". And I started writing the sequel to that first story, which is now my flagship submission. At any point when I was writing, I was only really thinking one or two paragraphs ahead. Again, I really didn't have a plan. I just knew what I wanted, and that at some point I'd figure out how to get there and integrate more of what I wanted (and less of what made me uncomfortable last time).
Again, this time I was motivated by arrogance, which is a strange thing to say because at the time I still had relatively few watchers, only one submission, but I felt like I was on top of the world because of how well that one submission did, despite the odds. That this second story did well, I would have told you at the time that it was just a matter of fact. Of course it did better, I took all the good things from the first story and I went bigger, I went bolder, I went longer. I was so self-assured of this piece of work, that I went to the (then new feature of FA) favorites list of my first submission, picked out dozens of names, and noted them on FA to tell them I wrote a sequel. Then I did so for most of the people who commented on that first story.
And we all know how that turned out. In an odd turnaround, the success of that second story has extremely humbled me, and then some. The views, favorites, comments, and again more fan art of the second piece far, far exceeded that of the first. At this point, my first story had maybe 1,500 views, and the second one was catching up quickly. It took months before the sequel reached the same view tally as the first, and I remember writing a brief journal entry about it then. I was a bit smug of course, but extremely grateful to all those who made it possible. I thanked them all, and pretty much left it at that. At that point, the submissions were around 3,000 views.
The views on that submission kept growing. They're still growing (my god, it's almost at 14 thousand at the time of this writing O.O). But as I racked up more views, I started to become confused. I started to get worried. There was something off about it, that to this day I still haven't been able to quite figure out. Although the sequel had vastly more views than the original, it only slightly more favorites. Was it featured on something like "WTF FA?" where people were gawking at it instead of enjoying it?
Still, it had vastly more comments as well, overwhelmingly positive, and I set my concerns to the side. In the time since then, however, it almost feels like I let loose some sort of monster. The best way I can describe it would be via a commercial I saw about a decade ago. In the commercial, a small group of friends in a rented office space launch their new internet business! As they eagerly watch the screen, a few orders for their product/service comes in. They shout out happily, hoot, hollar, and high-five each other. Then more orders come in. They cheer. Then even more orders. They start dancing. Then, tens of thousands of orders flood in. The jubilation stops. They look worried at one-another and ask, "How are we going to keep up with this?" And more orders flood in...
That kinda feels like where I am now. I obviously never expected to be in this position. You guys want more stories. And honestly I want to provide them. But I don't have the confidence in my own material or creative process to move forward at a good pace. And it's put me in a rather awkward spot. I tried to just jettison the entire idea of doing huge stories in favor of doing smaller ones with less pressure. But I was never satisfied with the outcome, although the endeavor did leave me with a few ideas for world-building where I'd write all my future stories that all happen within the same shared universe. Anyway, I was just never as comfortable making those smaller stories because it feels like I have so little room to stretch my creative wings. On the flipside, doing a larger story demands a better payoff because if someone is going to invest two hours reading a 30-page document, it better damn well be worth it, right?
So now I have to try to make something that satisfies both my audience and my own expectations. On that note, remember that "awkward spot" I mentioned in the last paragraph? Well, because of what I wrote, some people wanted to actually meet me. It seemed odd, but since I was going to be going to a few fur cons anyway, I made some arrangements to meet them. And it's all fine and good, but one such person asked me to write a story for him. Or to be more specific, he wanted to commission me.
At first I agreed, and the next day we started communicating at length about what was to be in the story. Details, certain kinks, all that. Over the next few weeks, we talked extensively about what he wanted, I did a bit of research...with him...in my bedroom...and afterwords I started brainstorming on what to do in the story. I put together notes on how I wanted to frame the story (a first for me. As I said before, I was just flying by the seat of my pants), planning out what happened and when, got some character notes, etc etc.
I've put together a story that is currently 12 pages and only just starting to get to the fun stuff. And here's the series of snags I've hit. 1: I'm not as self-assured/arrogant as I used to be. I'm trying to be much more thoughtful about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. 2: Because he's close, that means the stakes are higher for me because I really, REALLY want this to be good for him. 3: As time has passed, I've been disappointed in myself for not having completed the story yet. He's been waiting a long time, and I feel terrible for it. I told him that I was switching it from a commission to a request, because I didn't want to take money for something that was taking so long to finish. Then 4: he upped the ante by covertly switching my plane ticket from coach to first class. I mean like, the fuck?! As if I wasn't under enough pressure, now I have to make a story that is somehow worth the money from upgrading from coach to first class from his "gift". I just wanted to plant my face on my desk and yell out, "I'm so not worthy!"
So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do with his story, because he deserves something that is hopefully as good as my featured submission. But I also don't want it to come across "same-y" or "repetitive", so how do I do the same thing again while keeping it fresh and interesting, while living up to the expectations set by the previous two? I feel like I'm living under the shadow of my own creation, and that it rules me and my haphazard creative process instead of the other way around. I have ideas to make it new and interesting, but I lack the confidence in them to say to myself, "Yes, I am sure that people will enjoy this as a new thing instead of comparing it to it's predecessor and they won't refer to it as more of the same".
In time I hope to figure it out and create something wonderful. I do have ideas for other things. If we refer to my featured submission as a "large" work, then I have a few ideas for some medium sized stories that work on different themes and therefore don't have the same problems I'm encountering with this current story. I've been told to work on those to break out of my block, but I really don't feel right about working on something else when I owe someone something I promised them two years ago (yes I know I am a terrible person, I am trying my best here and I'm being brutally honest with myself).
So that's where I am; that's what's going on. Feel free to comment below, but I just thought I'd share the current situation with you guys.
March 13'th, 2010, I had no submissions, and really no watchers other than those people who automatically do watch-backs. I was browsing FA for some of my favorite kinks and coming up empty. Those kinks tend to be rather niche, and all of the visual submissions that catered to it, I had already seen. I had started searching for written submissions and getting very frustrated with the results that came up. Too often, the stories were way too short and lacking description, or full of hemaphrodites (no disrespect intended, but when there's four characters in an orgy and every one of them is referred to as "hir" it makes it impossible to follow what's going on), or lacking any coherent transitions also making it difficult or impossible to understand what was going on, or diving into a different branch of said kinks that was actually a turn-off for me.
(yes, being vague so this journal can be semi-sfw. If you read my stories, you know what I'm talking about anyway).
It took me a while to get to this point, but I finally said, "You know what, this is utterly futile. Maybe I can do a quick story to show them how it's done." At this stage, my motivation was frustration. I wanted to lead by example, and I had a head full of notes of all the things that they were doing wrong, so for me it was as simple as writing a story that sidestepped all the problems the other stories had.
So, I did.
The story certainly lacked any sort of inspiration. The setting and premise were as generic as they could get. The characters were stock. The "villain" was cliché. About the only thing that really stood out was, coincidentally, my taking a brief step outside of my comfort zone to progress the sexual narrative into some territory I wasn't familiar with or into. But I suppose it had a decent enough flow, the main character was developed just enough for the reader to really understand what was going on inside his head, and there was enough detail and smooth flow in the sexual scenes for people to follow along without trouble.
That the story did decently was honestly a surprise to me. I pretty much had no watchers at that point, and the FA community is still primarily visual based, let's be honest with ourselves here. So when I racked up about a dozen favorites, a couple of comments, a few new watchers, and even fan art? Just...wow! I was completely taken back by all that. This changed everything. Some of the comments were even by people I watched on FA and I really enjoyed their work, so I was almost giddy. Watchers, I mean, people wanted to follow me in case I posted more? Amazing. And fan art? That was the most surprising thing of all, to me. That some people liked it so much that they put in their own time and effort into giving me illustrations? That put a huge smile on my face, I just couldn't believe it.
And keep in mind, in this timeframe, the submission only had just under a thousand views. I was so buoyed by all that, that I had it in my mind that maybe I'd write a sequel. I hadn't really planned on writing any more when I first posted the submission, but hell, if people liked it, then why not write more?
It took months before I'd sit down and write again (September 7th). For those who know me, I've described the event as "the stars aligning". Because for me to write, there has to be a really hard-to-hit sweet spot of horny enough to think of some really dazzling things, but not horny enough to actually lose focus or masturbate and just outright lose it.
When I did write, I did so out of arrogance, I admit. I didn't have a plan. I didn't have any real ideas beyond the rather nebulous concepts of "go bigger, go stronger this time". And I started writing the sequel to that first story, which is now my flagship submission. At any point when I was writing, I was only really thinking one or two paragraphs ahead. Again, I really didn't have a plan. I just knew what I wanted, and that at some point I'd figure out how to get there and integrate more of what I wanted (and less of what made me uncomfortable last time).
Again, this time I was motivated by arrogance, which is a strange thing to say because at the time I still had relatively few watchers, only one submission, but I felt like I was on top of the world because of how well that one submission did, despite the odds. That this second story did well, I would have told you at the time that it was just a matter of fact. Of course it did better, I took all the good things from the first story and I went bigger, I went bolder, I went longer. I was so self-assured of this piece of work, that I went to the (then new feature of FA) favorites list of my first submission, picked out dozens of names, and noted them on FA to tell them I wrote a sequel. Then I did so for most of the people who commented on that first story.
And we all know how that turned out. In an odd turnaround, the success of that second story has extremely humbled me, and then some. The views, favorites, comments, and again more fan art of the second piece far, far exceeded that of the first. At this point, my first story had maybe 1,500 views, and the second one was catching up quickly. It took months before the sequel reached the same view tally as the first, and I remember writing a brief journal entry about it then. I was a bit smug of course, but extremely grateful to all those who made it possible. I thanked them all, and pretty much left it at that. At that point, the submissions were around 3,000 views.
The views on that submission kept growing. They're still growing (my god, it's almost at 14 thousand at the time of this writing O.O). But as I racked up more views, I started to become confused. I started to get worried. There was something off about it, that to this day I still haven't been able to quite figure out. Although the sequel had vastly more views than the original, it only slightly more favorites. Was it featured on something like "WTF FA?" where people were gawking at it instead of enjoying it?
Still, it had vastly more comments as well, overwhelmingly positive, and I set my concerns to the side. In the time since then, however, it almost feels like I let loose some sort of monster. The best way I can describe it would be via a commercial I saw about a decade ago. In the commercial, a small group of friends in a rented office space launch their new internet business! As they eagerly watch the screen, a few orders for their product/service comes in. They shout out happily, hoot, hollar, and high-five each other. Then more orders come in. They cheer. Then even more orders. They start dancing. Then, tens of thousands of orders flood in. The jubilation stops. They look worried at one-another and ask, "How are we going to keep up with this?" And more orders flood in...
That kinda feels like where I am now. I obviously never expected to be in this position. You guys want more stories. And honestly I want to provide them. But I don't have the confidence in my own material or creative process to move forward at a good pace. And it's put me in a rather awkward spot. I tried to just jettison the entire idea of doing huge stories in favor of doing smaller ones with less pressure. But I was never satisfied with the outcome, although the endeavor did leave me with a few ideas for world-building where I'd write all my future stories that all happen within the same shared universe. Anyway, I was just never as comfortable making those smaller stories because it feels like I have so little room to stretch my creative wings. On the flipside, doing a larger story demands a better payoff because if someone is going to invest two hours reading a 30-page document, it better damn well be worth it, right?
So now I have to try to make something that satisfies both my audience and my own expectations. On that note, remember that "awkward spot" I mentioned in the last paragraph? Well, because of what I wrote, some people wanted to actually meet me. It seemed odd, but since I was going to be going to a few fur cons anyway, I made some arrangements to meet them. And it's all fine and good, but one such person asked me to write a story for him. Or to be more specific, he wanted to commission me.
At first I agreed, and the next day we started communicating at length about what was to be in the story. Details, certain kinks, all that. Over the next few weeks, we talked extensively about what he wanted, I did a bit of research...with him...in my bedroom...and afterwords I started brainstorming on what to do in the story. I put together notes on how I wanted to frame the story (a first for me. As I said before, I was just flying by the seat of my pants), planning out what happened and when, got some character notes, etc etc.
I've put together a story that is currently 12 pages and only just starting to get to the fun stuff. And here's the series of snags I've hit. 1: I'm not as self-assured/arrogant as I used to be. I'm trying to be much more thoughtful about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. 2: Because he's close, that means the stakes are higher for me because I really, REALLY want this to be good for him. 3: As time has passed, I've been disappointed in myself for not having completed the story yet. He's been waiting a long time, and I feel terrible for it. I told him that I was switching it from a commission to a request, because I didn't want to take money for something that was taking so long to finish. Then 4: he upped the ante by covertly switching my plane ticket from coach to first class. I mean like, the fuck?! As if I wasn't under enough pressure, now I have to make a story that is somehow worth the money from upgrading from coach to first class from his "gift". I just wanted to plant my face on my desk and yell out, "I'm so not worthy!"
So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do with his story, because he deserves something that is hopefully as good as my featured submission. But I also don't want it to come across "same-y" or "repetitive", so how do I do the same thing again while keeping it fresh and interesting, while living up to the expectations set by the previous two? I feel like I'm living under the shadow of my own creation, and that it rules me and my haphazard creative process instead of the other way around. I have ideas to make it new and interesting, but I lack the confidence in them to say to myself, "Yes, I am sure that people will enjoy this as a new thing instead of comparing it to it's predecessor and they won't refer to it as more of the same".
In time I hope to figure it out and create something wonderful. I do have ideas for other things. If we refer to my featured submission as a "large" work, then I have a few ideas for some medium sized stories that work on different themes and therefore don't have the same problems I'm encountering with this current story. I've been told to work on those to break out of my block, but I really don't feel right about working on something else when I owe someone something I promised them two years ago (yes I know I am a terrible person, I am trying my best here and I'm being brutally honest with myself).
So that's where I am; that's what's going on. Feel free to comment below, but I just thought I'd share the current situation with you guys.
First of all, I understand where you're coming from, having a perfectionistic drive of my own that I have to grapple with. I find a lot of artists are in the same boat from time to time and I remind them of why they got into producing art in the first place. You even stated it yourself up there.
Create art not because it pleases someone else, but because you have something to say. Don't get hung up on whether or not other people are going to like what you make or not. It's their choice as to whether or not they like it, not yours, so don't try and make up people's minds for them. Of course, with a commission, you have to tailor what you produce to your commissioner's desires, and of course, as a writer, you should write to your target audience. but still don't let go of that fundamental tenet. Hell, your target audience here is usually someone with their hand around their dick: they want to read, imagine, ejaculate, and move on. They're not going to look too deeply into the story. =P
You wrote your Making ... Submit stories because you wanted to scratch an itch other people's stories could not. You had something to say. And then you followed it up with your greatest work so far. Yes, okay, your creative work is still in its shadow, but with all of your watchers and views on that story, you have people who will gladly devour anything you produce. You have gained people's respect. It will remain when you finish writing your next story. And if not...does it really matter, in the end? Are numbers on a website page more important than creating a good story to you? If that's the case, I suggest rethinking that or snapping your quill.
And just in case you're still being too perfectionistic, my writer friend
Writer's block…a lot of howling nonsense would be avoided if, in every sentence containing the word WRITER, that word was taken out and the word PLUMBER substituted; and the result examined for the sense it makes. Do plumbers get plumber's block? What would you think of a plumber who used that as an excuse not to do any work that day?
The fact is that writing is hard work, and sometimes you don't want to do it, and you can't think of what to write next, and you're fed up with the whole damn business. Do you think plumbers don't feel like that about their work from time to time? Of course there will be days when the stuff is not flowing freely. What you do then is MAKE IT UP. I like the reply of the composer Shostakovich to a student who complained that he couldn't find a theme for his second movement. “Never mind the theme! Just write the movement!” he said.
Writer's block is a condition that affects amateurs and people who aren't serious about writing. So is the opposite, namely inspiration, which amateurs are also very fond of. Putting it another way: a professional writer is someone who writes just as well when they're not inspired as when they are.
Just. Write. The. Story. You have something to say, so stop keeping your mouth shut and say it.
Hope this helps you out, mate.