This Journal really goes out to those who need it. It is in your own heart to know if you need this or not. If you feel you don’t need it then don’t worry about it but if you feel you need it then please let this message in. and please if you feel the need please spread this around. This first section of which I am going to say WILL be based on a talk I heard from one of the leaders of the LDS Church. I grew up Mormon, if you have a problem with that then that is your issue. I personally believe in many Gods but I also believe in a head God… the main God in Christian beliefs so without further ado here we go….

“God has given again in these latter days the truth about where we came from, why we are here and where we are going. Much of the confusion we face in this life comes from not understanding who we are. One of the most beloved story tellers of all time was the Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen. In one of his stories “The Ugly Duckling” a mother duck discovers that one of her newly hatched chicks is unusually large and very ugly. The other ducklings cannot leave the ugly child along and punish him mercilessly. The ugly duckling decides it would be better for everyone if he left and so he ran away. Then one day he sees flying overhead a flock of majestic birds, he takes flight and follows them to a beautiful lake. The ugly duckling looks into the water and sees the reflection of a magnificent swan. The ugly duckling realizes that the reflection is hit own. He has discovered who he really is.

Think of where you come from, you are sons and daughters of the greatest most glorious being in the universe. He loves you with an infinite love; he wants the best for you. This knowledge changes everything. It changes your present, it can change your future; and it can change the world. If we only understood who we are and what is in store for us, our hearts would overflow with such gratitude and happiness that it would enlighten even the darkest sorrows with the light and love of God. Of course there will be always voices telling you that you are foolish to believe that you are swans, insisting that you are but ugly ducklings and that you can’t expect to become anything else. But you know better, you are no ordinary beings. You are glorious and eternal. I plead with you: just look into the water and see your true reflection.

It is my prayer and Blessing that when you look at your reflection you will be able to see beyond imperfections and self-doubts and recognize who you truly are: glorious sons and daughters of All Mighty God. In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
‘Our True Identity’
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Councilor in the Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I hate bringing religion into things because of the problems it causes amongst friends and families. But that aside he brings to light many things. If you take the situation of god out and place in your own religious preferences then I think if fits everyone. But I am a God fearing man and I choose to accept this as the truth. So yes….. The point of all of this is simple: I was speaking with someone dear to me yesterday and we spoke about insecurities and how they think they are ugly. So I am going to speak about myself here as an example of recognizing my true value.

My name is Jacob, I'm soon to be 21 in a month and I was born in Reykjavik, Iceland. I was adopted at age five into the US by two loving parents. I grew up a nerd and a dork. I was always a bigger kid; I was quite the chunker in elementary school and got even bigger by 9th grade. I weighed about 270 when I was 12. Self-confidence was in short supply when I grew up. I exercised enough to drop some weight to be healthier so I wouldn’t strain my bad lungs. My dad is a civil engineer and smarter than I am. My brother and cousin always called me a waste of height because I had the perfect body for a jock but not only did I not work out I didn’t play sports, HELL I hate them. I was a pianist, a musician…. An artist. I used to be able to play piano and Tuba… perfect fit for a fat kid lol

When I was 14 I was hit by a car and it nearly destroyed my right hand, shattering my wrist and breaking my right leg in 6 spots. And not only that but it messed up my back something fierce too. When winter hits and rainy days I ache something awful and I have to use a cane to get around. My music skills went downhill fast, meaning the only thing I could pride myself at disappeared.

Now we enter the high school years where I was starving so much for attention and acceptance that I would suck up to the popular kids and do their homework based on false promises and my grades suffered for it. I barely graduated high school and those who I viewed as my ‘betters’ graduated with honors because of the work I did for them. At 16 I was diagnosed with lung cancer and swine flu at the same time. The cancer was caused by smoking since I was 8 and a dime sized spot was found on my right lung and I went through the sickening treatments for it until I kicked it. The strain on my body made me hurt more and gave me the excuse for being lazy more.

Now I am 20 almost 21 and I don’t have the athletic body I want or the twink/femboi body I wish I had for my master. I was diagnosed with lung cancer again 2 years ago and I still feel the effects of the treatment now. I have buried 3 of my friends since November of last year and last December I found out my birth father fell in battle overseas in defense of his country and that his last wish was to find me. I was met by a member of my birth country to give me the news and to offer their condolences. I have had a life full of pain and sadness and discomfort. On 3 occasions in my life I figured I should just end it all and attempted suicide because I didn’t see an end in sight to my problems. But I stand here before you to offer my advice. For even though life can suck and be a bitch and even when you see no end in sight there still is HOPE.

I am not perfect; I am not the best artist or the best writer. I have Autism and you know what? I'm damn fucking proud of it. I am GAY and I accept it. I care about those around me and I will stop at nothing to help. I have found over the years that no matter how bad life got that it was never as bad as it could be.

I spent so long saving pieces from people I watched as a constant torment of I wasn’t good enough but now with each piece I save and look at all I see is the raw potential for me to become better. It’s a lesson, it’s a test.

So simply I'm here to tell you that you are AWESOME! You are PERFECT! I may not know you; I may never meet you, hold you, hug you, laugh with you, cry with you or kiss you. But I want you to know that I Love you. And no matter what I am always here because I understand how hard life can be. But I will never say ‘I know how you feel’ because I don’t. But I have a very good guess. I will ALWAYS be here to help you shoulder you pain, to help you walk when you feel you can’t take another step, to help carry your burdens when they become too heavy.

Have faith in yourself, doors close for a reason. That reason is that they close so others can open up. Keep moving forward. You want that amazing body? Go for it. You want that art skill? Practice, practice, practice. You want love? Go out and steal the heart of the person you love and NEVER let anyone tell you that you are not good enough. Because those who tell you that are selling something. The only one who can make you feel bad is yourself, so I beg you, don’t let yourself talk you into it.

So I end this rambling with 2 simple quotes from my best friend who passed away November 13th
“Life is never as good as it should be, but it’s never as bad as it could be.”
“When life gives you lemons make orange juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.”
-“Kaitlin (Lance) Keeney 4/16/1993 - 11/13/2013