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Three Years - A Eulogy
11 years ago
Today, I would like to take a moment to step back and remember someone who was...I don't know if it would be right or not to say he was close to me or not. But he was someone that was a sweet and caring individual who had confidence in himself and in his relationships with other people. He might not have been the best person in the world; God only knows that he felt like he wasn't the prettiest or most charming, and he definitely stumbled over himself while trying to say what was on his mind at times. But what he said was genuine and true, and if you were to put your faith in him, then he would not let you down. He was loyal to those he considered his friends, and even moreso to those he considered his lovers...and he was quite the ladies' man too. Again, he wasn't the most handsome or most charming fella around, but he was true and honest...and not to mention he had other attributes to make up for it as well, but we're not gonna get into that. It seemed like this guy was heading in the right direction after conquering a good number of his personal demons.
And then it all changed in the blink of an eye,..it was like his very soul had died, leaving just a shell behind that still roams aimlessly today.
If you knew him then, I don't know if you would know him now. What came naturally for him has now become a struggle, and the very things that were his saving graces have now turned on him. He is still loyal to those he is close to, but more and more they have turned on him. He now sees the world and the people, especially those in the very community that he once credited for saving his sanity and even his very life, with contempt. He's still not the best looking guy in the world, but what little charm he had before has now vanished completely. In his quest to find what he has lost, he has turned into someone that is cold; you wouldn't be able to tell it from the outside as he tries to at least keep a facade of his old self. But deep inside, the pain and agony of that day and his failures to return to that state in which he was truly happy has left him numb. He wishes he could just let it out...to be able to just duck away somewhere and cry, his tears washing away some of the scars that afflict him. But he is unable to, and that cold, piercing feeling still courses through him.
That was even before the one who struck the greatest blow to him came along...the one who eventually came and took his very heart and soul. He loved her, wanted her, and was willing to give his very life for her. . .even if it was by his own hand. . .just so she could neglect him, demean him and cast him away when he needed her the most. Even when they were together, she never loved him even half as much as he loved her, and yet when she was rid of him, she loved her next lovers who were far inferior to him much more than he had done for her. Her lovers after him included a couple guys who lived a half a world away, someone who would end up cheating on her to get back with an ex...and the worst of all, the one who would take her away from him for good by manipulating her into only believing what he wanted her to, and then abandoning her when he couldn't handle her living with him any more.
It's no wonder the poor guy had turned heartless...or at least his heart had turned black. I remember how he drove 16 hours to get her and bring her back home, even enduring a flat tire on a Sunday evening and the ridicule of the one former lover of his that did the same things her current one has done. I remember how he was the only one to stand up for her when the other people they were living with wanted to throw her on the street because of some petty bullshit because he believed that she was better than that. And he won. And I also remember how devastated he was when he finally had to give up on her...or at least when he thought he could. It was only when he realized that she had been abandoned that he decided to take up the fight again.
You're probably wondering how I know so much about this poor, forlorn soul to be able to tell you about his life.,,
...you know these things and the impact that they've had when you've had to live them. Yes...I know what you're thinking and it is indeed true.
It was three years ago today that my soul died...all because I felt like the one who would eventually crush my heart and what little pieces of my soul I had left deserved better than what she had. And I am still looking to get it back.
And then it all changed in the blink of an eye,..it was like his very soul had died, leaving just a shell behind that still roams aimlessly today.
If you knew him then, I don't know if you would know him now. What came naturally for him has now become a struggle, and the very things that were his saving graces have now turned on him. He is still loyal to those he is close to, but more and more they have turned on him. He now sees the world and the people, especially those in the very community that he once credited for saving his sanity and even his very life, with contempt. He's still not the best looking guy in the world, but what little charm he had before has now vanished completely. In his quest to find what he has lost, he has turned into someone that is cold; you wouldn't be able to tell it from the outside as he tries to at least keep a facade of his old self. But deep inside, the pain and agony of that day and his failures to return to that state in which he was truly happy has left him numb. He wishes he could just let it out...to be able to just duck away somewhere and cry, his tears washing away some of the scars that afflict him. But he is unable to, and that cold, piercing feeling still courses through him.
That was even before the one who struck the greatest blow to him came along...the one who eventually came and took his very heart and soul. He loved her, wanted her, and was willing to give his very life for her. . .even if it was by his own hand. . .just so she could neglect him, demean him and cast him away when he needed her the most. Even when they were together, she never loved him even half as much as he loved her, and yet when she was rid of him, she loved her next lovers who were far inferior to him much more than he had done for her. Her lovers after him included a couple guys who lived a half a world away, someone who would end up cheating on her to get back with an ex...and the worst of all, the one who would take her away from him for good by manipulating her into only believing what he wanted her to, and then abandoning her when he couldn't handle her living with him any more.
It's no wonder the poor guy had turned heartless...or at least his heart had turned black. I remember how he drove 16 hours to get her and bring her back home, even enduring a flat tire on a Sunday evening and the ridicule of the one former lover of his that did the same things her current one has done. I remember how he was the only one to stand up for her when the other people they were living with wanted to throw her on the street because of some petty bullshit because he believed that she was better than that. And he won. And I also remember how devastated he was when he finally had to give up on her...or at least when he thought he could. It was only when he realized that she had been abandoned that he decided to take up the fight again.
You're probably wondering how I know so much about this poor, forlorn soul to be able to tell you about his life.,,
...you know these things and the impact that they've had when you've had to live them. Yes...I know what you're thinking and it is indeed true.
It was three years ago today that my soul died...all because I felt like the one who would eventually crush my heart and what little pieces of my soul I had left deserved better than what she had. And I am still looking to get it back.
: 5/12/1983 - 3/11/2011
You know I am always here for you, if you need anything you can always ask me, and the offer for a fresh start is always available to you, if you just need to get away from the painful memories.
Love you, Croco!