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[Vent] My self worth is tied to my mom (repost from reddit)
11 years ago
She's a great mom, she's educated, good morals, responsible. I truly admire her. My mom has done more for me than I can express. I just feel totally dependant on her for my own emotional wellbeing.
I have been suicidally depressed since I was 14. At 16 I meticulously planned my own death months in advance and never told anyone. My mom found the stash of pills I planned to use, I started prozac, and I'll be turning 18 next month. I should be emotionally independent, but I'm just not. I don't know if my reliance on my mother for self worth is my fault or her's. Blaming her is the easy cop out, but is it the truth? Am I just dysfunctional? Even if I had control over my self esteem, do I deserve to feel the way I do?
I'm lazy. Unforgivably so. I always have been, and my inability to change that and the pain it caused was most of the reason for why I continue to experience powerful suicidal thoughts. This term, I missed the deadline for my first research paper, was forgiven by the professor, and last night I rushed the entire second paper only to miss the submission deadline by mere seconds. My professor is the nicest lady, but will she let me do this again? If I fail this class, I'll have to somehow retake it secretly. If I fail this class, and mom finds out, I don't think I'll be able to keep going. She'll hold it over me forever and I'm afraid that she won't support me anymore.
I'm terrified that my professor won't accept my paper. I need her to accept it. I really need her to do that.
I've finished high school just after turning 17 and I have taken numerous college level courses. I plan on majoring in biology, and I have a 3.75 GPA. How the fuck did this even happen.
Objectively, there would be less pain and frustration in the world if I were dead. My mom is tough, losing a child is hard, but isn't it better to lose a young son than to see that son disappoint you until the day you die? My couple of friends would miss me, but everyone gets over a death. Nobody is depending on me for anything, so what would be morally wrong if I killed myself?
The fact that I'm gay and in the closet because of my religious upbringing doesn't help either.
If you read this all the way to the end, shame on you. You could be doing something outside or working on a hobby.
I have been suicidally depressed since I was 14. At 16 I meticulously planned my own death months in advance and never told anyone. My mom found the stash of pills I planned to use, I started prozac, and I'll be turning 18 next month. I should be emotionally independent, but I'm just not. I don't know if my reliance on my mother for self worth is my fault or her's. Blaming her is the easy cop out, but is it the truth? Am I just dysfunctional? Even if I had control over my self esteem, do I deserve to feel the way I do?
I'm lazy. Unforgivably so. I always have been, and my inability to change that and the pain it caused was most of the reason for why I continue to experience powerful suicidal thoughts. This term, I missed the deadline for my first research paper, was forgiven by the professor, and last night I rushed the entire second paper only to miss the submission deadline by mere seconds. My professor is the nicest lady, but will she let me do this again? If I fail this class, I'll have to somehow retake it secretly. If I fail this class, and mom finds out, I don't think I'll be able to keep going. She'll hold it over me forever and I'm afraid that she won't support me anymore.
I'm terrified that my professor won't accept my paper. I need her to accept it. I really need her to do that.
I've finished high school just after turning 17 and I have taken numerous college level courses. I plan on majoring in biology, and I have a 3.75 GPA. How the fuck did this even happen.
Objectively, there would be less pain and frustration in the world if I were dead. My mom is tough, losing a child is hard, but isn't it better to lose a young son than to see that son disappoint you until the day you die? My couple of friends would miss me, but everyone gets over a death. Nobody is depending on me for anything, so what would be morally wrong if I killed myself?
The fact that I'm gay and in the closet because of my religious upbringing doesn't help either.
If you read this all the way to the end, shame on you. You could be doing something outside or working on a hobby.
other family members really don't like that. I have lots of organ problems too at the moment. My mum
really doesn't mind if I live with her into my 30's. I mean I don't want to do that obviously! I would like
to be out of the house in the next 5 years or so :) 22/23 years old or something like that! But my mum
doesn't mind if I'm not. If I get to unwell in the future and things. But I really do know how you feel,
I know I rely on my mum too much. But even more so since I got my depression 8/9 months ago. She
doesn't mind at all. But my dads side don't believe in depression at all. And I've been suicidal too, and tried
to take my life 3 times.