Everything about love, even the pain of it, helps us become more and more confident in ourselves.

As much as I feel slowly destroyed by the heartbreak and the challenges I face from day to day, I know that end the end, there IS someone out there for me, no matter how far away it may be.

So as I sit here crying, listening to Jessie J and Marina and the Diamonds sing the thoughts that speed through my head day after day, I'm hoping that i will be able to trust people with my true self, and be able to confide in them the things i feel obligated to keep locked inside. I want to be able to trust people with the true me, and not the various facades I have put on to attempt to hide from the hate and please the people around me. It's a sad thing in itself that i feel such a need to hide from everyone. I don't feel like there is much else I can do at this point though. I'm so scared to trust people, because of all the pain and loss and so many traitorous actions from those i thought to be friends... People just use me, whether it guys, who want me for sex, or "friends" who want to get something out of me.

It's difficult to go from day to day.
Sometimes, i break down when i'm with people, and i have to step away from their sight and cry. I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I can't let them in. Sometimes it's even hard for me to breathe. I get these little moments where i don't even know what to do with myself. I space out and look off into the distance, and sometimes when this happens, I'm with people. Once in a while, someone will come over to me and try to get my attention, and i just keep looking as tears drip from my eyes. They don't even seem to notice the tears, and they always just walk away.

It's just scarring... All of this is so hard to put into a good perspective.