And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state. I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it's too late.

---

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I've held my tongue for so long, and I've restrained myself for so long. But I think I'm finally teetering on the breaking point and I'm just about at that juncture where if someone says or does the wrong thing, I'm finally gonna snap. It shouldn't have come this far.

But I am sick and fucking tired of being alone in this world, while the lowest forms of scum in the world can lay claim to someone. Especially those whom I find desirable to some form or another, whether it's by appearance or by a common interest, or maybe just because they can somehow make me smile for two whole seconds and forget about the pain and agony that has overwhelmed me. I'm not asking for much here...just for someone whom I can talk and maybe try and relate to, and love me as much I will love her at the same time. How difficult is that? And yet if you were gauging that by watching me, you would think that it is impossible. Then to add further insult to injury, I can reel off five people off the top of my head that I have serious interest in who are taken and hoarded by guys who have qualities that make me want to vomit. I'm not gonna call names here just yet, but if you wanna take a stab at just who I'm talking about, that's perfectly fine with me.

The first one is just plain creepy. The next one is a stray and a beggar who just happened to stumble across someone with a good heart...which was meant for me. Then there's the cheater, for whom it is well known that they fucked around on another mate of theirs at a past con. Next is the homewrecker, who destroyed the marriage of someone whom I consider to be everything I want in a girl just to take them for their own. And finally, there's the master manipulator, who can keep someone on the end of a string and just fling them back and forth like a yo-yo. If that doesn't make your head spin, then consider the fact that three of the victims of these types are ones that I know personally and still (for now) have a fond place in what's left of my heart for; one even promised me that if things fell apart between me and my ex-fiancee, she would be there for me. The other two are just awesome and would like to get to know better, and all of them would make for a very fine mate for me.

And every night I have to come home and look at my empty bed, it just makes me grow colder inside. I try my damndest to help my friends out when they are in similar situations or need advice because I would rather not see them become me. If I could ever find a way out of this, it would be a miracle. But having someone to be there and try to help me mend the pieces of my broken heart would be a big step in the right direction. I just hope I don't go mad before then.