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Depressed
11 years ago
*sighs depressed* Too much on my mind today.
Yesterday was talking with someone for a few days and hoped to be friends. But obviously that wasn't the case and wanted more to be mates when I specifically told them I'm an Aromantic Asexual. And wanted to move together. Again, way far away and I've already promised my two other besties I'd move in with them. So they decided not even being friends would be okay. Whatever. See how shallow they are. Done with them.
Besides, proposing marriage and such and being life mates in a manner of a few days....I don't think so. It takes time to build a relationship. And again, given I'm an Aromantic Asexual, that means I don't want a relationship.
(For those that don't understand Aromantic means I have no romantic/emotional desires for any gender and as Asexual, I have no sexual/physical desires for anyone. There are Romantic Asexuals who have romantic/emotional desires to be in a relationship with the gender(s) of their choice but no sexual desires still.)
Secondly, talking with one of my besties about moving with them, she still wants us to get a two bathroom place. But all places around here that are two bedroom at least (given if my other bestie can't do the move since it is to be all three of us together), only have one bathroom or a full bath and half bath. If one wants a two bathroom place, townhomes are more potential but they start at like $900-$1000/month and that's with rent alone (otherwise it's a house to buy). That's not including other utility bills like heat, gas, electric, etc that might have to be paid separate. And if she moves here, she'll obviously have to find a job (since she's moving from out of state). But to find a job that pays enough with enough hours is hard to come by here. Hell I've been looking and it's hard. Unless of course one gets a factory job, truck driving, something in the medical field (schooling required usually), or something on the feet all the time with fast paced work. Something that I can't do despite I wish I could. I just can't do it because of my health problems.
I love her to death and all, but I'm starting to see that being able to move like that isn't going to work out so well. I'd like to make it work but I just can't see it anymore. And given she wants to move as early as this coming February 2015, that doesn't give me a lot of time to save up money, pay off my debts I still have, find health insurance to cover my doctor's visits for my health problems that constantly needs monitoring (I'm lucky to be on my dad's until my birthday this year in October when I turn 26 and get kicked off his and can't afford to get any of my own), and anything else miscellaneous. And given that once I move out of my parent's house (again--since I was on my own for about four years prior before I lost my previous job and my health problems arose and had to move home again), he won't let me back home. Even if I fall into hard times to the point that it's either move home or be on the streets. Sadly he'd rather see me on the streets (and potentially die from it) than help me. Hopefully my mother will come to my aid once again like before and bitch his ass out and tell him to let me move home again if that's the case (she did this last time when I first had to move home because he wasn't going to let me home and she tore him a new ass bitching him out until he let me back).
I'm just sad that if I let her know that I don't think I can do this in half a year's time, she'll get upset and I might lose her as a friend. We've been through a lot and she's one of my last friends I have from high school (even though I met her through a friend (now ex-friend sadly)). I don't want to lose her because honestly, it will break my heart. It'd break my heart to lose any of my friends (and I've been there losing a lot from high school honestly). *sighs* I'll find some way to let her know that I probably won't be able to do it so soon. I'm at least a good two years away from being able to afford a place, with or without anyone else to room with.
(For anyone that doesn't know, I have lupus, which is an autoimmune disease that attacks the immune system. It's genetic and I inherited it from my father's side of the family as both of my aunts have it so it was kind of inevitable. It's not so much the pain that bothers me lately (it did in the beginning with whole body pain so severe it hurt to move much). It's more of the exhaustion I get after doing even the job I have with dish washing, sweeping/mopping, and trash takeout at my work. Some days it's to the point I can barely get out of bed because I'm so exhausted. Add on my right heel has been giving me problems that make it painful to walk on my foot. I have to walk on my toes, which puts pressure on my ankle and causes that to start hurting. It's at the point that it's bothering me so bad that if I get up and apply just a tiny bit of pressure, I about want to scream and cry in pain. And now both my hands are starting to bother me with the index and middle fingers and adjoining tendons going up my wrists and arms along with my wrists starting to be hard to pick up anything over ten pounds (which includes my cat sadly). Even if I move my hands a certain way to grip something light like a cardboard box hurts. Add in heat asthma with that mix and chronic migraines and I'm just a mess. Believe me, it sucks.)
Yesterday was talking with someone for a few days and hoped to be friends. But obviously that wasn't the case and wanted more to be mates when I specifically told them I'm an Aromantic Asexual. And wanted to move together. Again, way far away and I've already promised my two other besties I'd move in with them. So they decided not even being friends would be okay. Whatever. See how shallow they are. Done with them.
Besides, proposing marriage and such and being life mates in a manner of a few days....I don't think so. It takes time to build a relationship. And again, given I'm an Aromantic Asexual, that means I don't want a relationship.
(For those that don't understand Aromantic means I have no romantic/emotional desires for any gender and as Asexual, I have no sexual/physical desires for anyone. There are Romantic Asexuals who have romantic/emotional desires to be in a relationship with the gender(s) of their choice but no sexual desires still.)
Secondly, talking with one of my besties about moving with them, she still wants us to get a two bathroom place. But all places around here that are two bedroom at least (given if my other bestie can't do the move since it is to be all three of us together), only have one bathroom or a full bath and half bath. If one wants a two bathroom place, townhomes are more potential but they start at like $900-$1000/month and that's with rent alone (otherwise it's a house to buy). That's not including other utility bills like heat, gas, electric, etc that might have to be paid separate. And if she moves here, she'll obviously have to find a job (since she's moving from out of state). But to find a job that pays enough with enough hours is hard to come by here. Hell I've been looking and it's hard. Unless of course one gets a factory job, truck driving, something in the medical field (schooling required usually), or something on the feet all the time with fast paced work. Something that I can't do despite I wish I could. I just can't do it because of my health problems.
I love her to death and all, but I'm starting to see that being able to move like that isn't going to work out so well. I'd like to make it work but I just can't see it anymore. And given she wants to move as early as this coming February 2015, that doesn't give me a lot of time to save up money, pay off my debts I still have, find health insurance to cover my doctor's visits for my health problems that constantly needs monitoring (I'm lucky to be on my dad's until my birthday this year in October when I turn 26 and get kicked off his and can't afford to get any of my own), and anything else miscellaneous. And given that once I move out of my parent's house (again--since I was on my own for about four years prior before I lost my previous job and my health problems arose and had to move home again), he won't let me back home. Even if I fall into hard times to the point that it's either move home or be on the streets. Sadly he'd rather see me on the streets (and potentially die from it) than help me. Hopefully my mother will come to my aid once again like before and bitch his ass out and tell him to let me move home again if that's the case (she did this last time when I first had to move home because he wasn't going to let me home and she tore him a new ass bitching him out until he let me back).
I'm just sad that if I let her know that I don't think I can do this in half a year's time, she'll get upset and I might lose her as a friend. We've been through a lot and she's one of my last friends I have from high school (even though I met her through a friend (now ex-friend sadly)). I don't want to lose her because honestly, it will break my heart. It'd break my heart to lose any of my friends (and I've been there losing a lot from high school honestly). *sighs* I'll find some way to let her know that I probably won't be able to do it so soon. I'm at least a good two years away from being able to afford a place, with or without anyone else to room with.
(For anyone that doesn't know, I have lupus, which is an autoimmune disease that attacks the immune system. It's genetic and I inherited it from my father's side of the family as both of my aunts have it so it was kind of inevitable. It's not so much the pain that bothers me lately (it did in the beginning with whole body pain so severe it hurt to move much). It's more of the exhaustion I get after doing even the job I have with dish washing, sweeping/mopping, and trash takeout at my work. Some days it's to the point I can barely get out of bed because I'm so exhausted. Add on my right heel has been giving me problems that make it painful to walk on my foot. I have to walk on my toes, which puts pressure on my ankle and causes that to start hurting. It's at the point that it's bothering me so bad that if I get up and apply just a tiny bit of pressure, I about want to scream and cry in pain. And now both my hands are starting to bother me with the index and middle fingers and adjoining tendons going up my wrists and arms along with my wrists starting to be hard to pick up anything over ten pounds (which includes my cat sadly). Even if I move my hands a certain way to grip something light like a cardboard box hurts. Add in heat asthma with that mix and chronic migraines and I'm just a mess. Believe me, it sucks.)
