i was doing fine.

i shoukld have stayed far away like i was doing.
but stupid me has to go and look at his journals and shit..

stupid fucking dusty, as allways

ugh. hes going to see him soon if he hasnt already.. its fucking real and i hate it.


so muchfor what you said "iunno hes long distance, and i really dont want to be with someone that far away"

so much for putting my hope in that...

ugh. i need to get you the fuck out of my mind, thoughts of you are ruining my life

the only time im happy is when i completely forget you exist

youve cause me nothing but pain these passed few months

i mean.. shit i even got you a xmas present i was gonna give you when i got to see you.. but fuck that.. ill just holdon to it. maybe ill give it to someone some day.. but it would be meaningless to someone else ause its something that you liked.. -.-


gaaah fuck this despair shit. ive been doing SOOOO well the passed 2 weeks or so, been having fun, been occupying myself with other shit and other people.

bought a game cube and like 17 games so i can keep my fucking mind occupied and far away from thoughts of him.

and its been working
why tonight?
why when im alone cause everyones asleep?

why didnt i do what i should have done and NOT go to where i could be hurt.

just get to see how people think about me because hes a stupid fuck who likes to let his friends trash talk me.

which is bullshit! considering that every time any time ANYONE says something about him that bad i defend his name tooth and nail. that he IS a good person regardless of what he did, regardless of how i got hurt

how i feel has nothing to do with who he is.

but yet. its okay for me to be a target..

i dont know why i hold you up on a pedastal.. as the best.. as someone to be admired, when you just look down on me from there with everyone else you know and love..



im a good person. no matter what people say.

im a kind person.. and a loving person

no matter how many furries you turn against me, theres hundreds more ive yet to meet who will fall in love with my personallity and want to be friends with me

and for every furry in the area who you make say bad shit about me
theres just one more reason for me to leave and never come back..

not like id be missed here

my family's in shambles
i work a dead end job just trying to help them out

my friends all hate me now because of you..
because of how i was while you put me through this

ryan wont speak to me, none of them will

the furs in the area hate me as it is anyway so its not a big shock that they would say shit about me like that




ive got to find a place to call home.. ive got to.. ive got to find a way to find real happiness.. not just through trying to forget you..


i want to remember the good things and move on.. but i cant now.. i need to forget for now..

just woish it were that simple.. when everything reminds me of you its hard to take my mind of you..

well i still have like 4 more days to be able to keep my thoughts occupied.. after that... i dont know what im going to do..


but i really should just leave.. no one really wants me here