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Inscrutable
11 years ago
General
This will make the fourth time I've started over, from scratch, on the sequel to Indelible. A commission for 
yamaxanadu, I've had a really difficult time writing this for some reason. Much of it has been the insecurity I have felt in my daily life. I like much of what I do for a living but not the conditions under which I do it.
Much of my problems arise from two areas: a lack of structure in which clients can deliver their demands to us coders and the distance (sheer, physical distance) I have to drive to get to and from work, everyday.
While at work, I'm putting out fires and working on complex code, constantly. Projects change scope far too frequently as clients often seem willing to walk all over us with no regard for either their contracts or how their shifting demands impact delivery of their sites. Worse, higher-up marketing people seem to just promise things without regard for whether or not it could or should be done. I've been facing this for years and, after the layoffs a year ago (and the more recent layoffs six months ago) we have even fewer coders than ever to handle all this crap. As a result, when I get home the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer and create stuff. I just want to eat dinner (not even cook it, myself) and watch TV or YouTube.
Honestly, I disgust myself.
Then there's the commute. It's about thirty minutes one-way in good traffic. Homeward bound, it usually takes forty-five minutes. I end up sitting on my ass, often in stress-inducing bumper-to-bumper traffic, for so long that I just end up stewing in my darker thoughts for the whole time. Again, by the point I reach home, I'm often filled with anger and rage: neither being particularly conducive to writing or creating games.
But these are the surface, easy-to-see problems.
Beneath them is the more difficult-to-perceive set of issues that come from being middle-aged (and yet still sexual), being fat (having gained back most of the weight I lost last year), hating how I look (my weight is a big part of that), not having a game to referee as a creative outlet (my cooking for others isn't really a good substitute, I've found), and having a libido just as strong as it was back in my twenties (yet being told, either explicitly or obliquely, that I should not desire sex at my age nor be attracted to the kind of guys I'm attracted to - people who don't look like me and are, frankly, younger.)
I hate this part of gay culture: the fetishization of youth and slender perfection. And yet I've fallen for it: hook, line, and sinker. As much as I know it is an artifact of our popular and corporate-driven culture, I still find myself mired in its expectations. I want to like who I like regardless of appearance but that seems to be beyond me for some reason. While intellectually, I'm attracted to many different sorts of people, the body image gay men are supposed to have has taken root so solidly, its really tough for me to figure out how to escape it.
Yes, I'm still seeing my therapist. We're working on multiple issues although, mostly, my feelings of needing to eat even when I'm full because I don't feel satisfied.
But the why of all this is ... opaque. I don't get it and I'm one of the most introspective people I've ever met. I'm too often told I live too much in my head ... that I cannot just live life. And it's true. But there's also no clear answer: no clear set of "do this, practice that, and engage in the following activities" to get to the root of it all and re-forge who I am.
I feel that I've lost friends, that people don't respond or engage with me any more (emails, Tweets, IMs, social media posts, etc...) and I feel that I'm trapped in a job that I mostly am doing for the money.
I think.
It's so strange to not be sure of any of that; of not being able to see behind my behaviors to the underlying causes and motivations. But maybe I can figure this out. Maybe I can work this out in the story I'm starting, again, for the fourth time. I'm not sure. But I need to try something because, otherwise, I'll just drift away and dissolve ... fading away into a miasma of inconsequentiality. I want to be happy, I want to maintain my friendships, I want to have a creative outlet that doesn't require so much of me that simply a day of work and commuting doesn't kill my ability to engage in it. I want to adjust my perspectives and not feel hypocritical for who I find attractive and my sexual desires (without seeming like an aging creeper).
That's a lot to hang on a single story ... especially one I don't even know if it will work, yet.
But, again, I've got to try.
Thank you for listening.
Yours,
Sylvan
yamaxanadu, I've had a really difficult time writing this for some reason. Much of it has been the insecurity I have felt in my daily life. I like much of what I do for a living but not the conditions under which I do it.Much of my problems arise from two areas: a lack of structure in which clients can deliver their demands to us coders and the distance (sheer, physical distance) I have to drive to get to and from work, everyday.
While at work, I'm putting out fires and working on complex code, constantly. Projects change scope far too frequently as clients often seem willing to walk all over us with no regard for either their contracts or how their shifting demands impact delivery of their sites. Worse, higher-up marketing people seem to just promise things without regard for whether or not it could or should be done. I've been facing this for years and, after the layoffs a year ago (and the more recent layoffs six months ago) we have even fewer coders than ever to handle all this crap. As a result, when I get home the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer and create stuff. I just want to eat dinner (not even cook it, myself) and watch TV or YouTube.
Honestly, I disgust myself.
Then there's the commute. It's about thirty minutes one-way in good traffic. Homeward bound, it usually takes forty-five minutes. I end up sitting on my ass, often in stress-inducing bumper-to-bumper traffic, for so long that I just end up stewing in my darker thoughts for the whole time. Again, by the point I reach home, I'm often filled with anger and rage: neither being particularly conducive to writing or creating games.
But these are the surface, easy-to-see problems.
Beneath them is the more difficult-to-perceive set of issues that come from being middle-aged (and yet still sexual), being fat (having gained back most of the weight I lost last year), hating how I look (my weight is a big part of that), not having a game to referee as a creative outlet (my cooking for others isn't really a good substitute, I've found), and having a libido just as strong as it was back in my twenties (yet being told, either explicitly or obliquely, that I should not desire sex at my age nor be attracted to the kind of guys I'm attracted to - people who don't look like me and are, frankly, younger.)
I hate this part of gay culture: the fetishization of youth and slender perfection. And yet I've fallen for it: hook, line, and sinker. As much as I know it is an artifact of our popular and corporate-driven culture, I still find myself mired in its expectations. I want to like who I like regardless of appearance but that seems to be beyond me for some reason. While intellectually, I'm attracted to many different sorts of people, the body image gay men are supposed to have has taken root so solidly, its really tough for me to figure out how to escape it.
Yes, I'm still seeing my therapist. We're working on multiple issues although, mostly, my feelings of needing to eat even when I'm full because I don't feel satisfied.
But the why of all this is ... opaque. I don't get it and I'm one of the most introspective people I've ever met. I'm too often told I live too much in my head ... that I cannot just live life. And it's true. But there's also no clear answer: no clear set of "do this, practice that, and engage in the following activities" to get to the root of it all and re-forge who I am.
I feel that I've lost friends, that people don't respond or engage with me any more (emails, Tweets, IMs, social media posts, etc...) and I feel that I'm trapped in a job that I mostly am doing for the money.
I think.
It's so strange to not be sure of any of that; of not being able to see behind my behaviors to the underlying causes and motivations. But maybe I can figure this out. Maybe I can work this out in the story I'm starting, again, for the fourth time. I'm not sure. But I need to try something because, otherwise, I'll just drift away and dissolve ... fading away into a miasma of inconsequentiality. I want to be happy, I want to maintain my friendships, I want to have a creative outlet that doesn't require so much of me that simply a day of work and commuting doesn't kill my ability to engage in it. I want to adjust my perspectives and not feel hypocritical for who I find attractive and my sexual desires (without seeming like an aging creeper).
That's a lot to hang on a single story ... especially one I don't even know if it will work, yet.
But, again, I've got to try.
Thank you for listening.
Yours,
Sylvan
I wish I had some additional advice I could offer; but all I can say otherwise is that I don't really see your sexual desires as anything but natural. People like what they like, and the type of guys you've described seem like they'd be attractive to most gay men, and your age should have nothing to do with that. To quote a phrase often repeated, but one I completely agree with: Age is nothing but a number.
I don't give advice too often, but I hope what I said helps you out in some way, and that you can get through this soon :)
And, yes: just typing all that did help a bit.
I think one of the aspects of my troubles, the aspect you addressed in your comment, is that as we age we aren't supposed to have sexual desires as we did once upon a time. It's a view that is reinforced all across our culture. But inside me, those desires are still there. But when faced with the expectations of those around me, I feel shame where I should feel excitement.
I agree that age is nothing but a number but, at the same time, I'm having a very hard time convincing my emotions of that fact.
Any idea on how to accomplish that?
Yours,
Sylvan
Dealing with one's emotions is a very complicated matter, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm no expert. However, I think you've gotten past the first hurdle, at least. Consciously acknowledging that age shouldn't be something counted against your sexual desires, and that those desires are perfectly natural -- no matter if your age is 25, 45, or anything between or beyond that scope -- is certainly a great first step in overcoming those emotional problems.
From here, I suppose I would suggest talking to people you feel would at least partially understand how you're feeling. As I've said, I'm no real expert, but if getting it off your chest here on the internet has helped, I think speaking with someone who's understanding would help even more, and just might get your emotional side to understand where your more logical side is coming from.
I'm not sure if I have a satisfactory answer to your question, but I hope what I said helps in some way.
We may not have really talked before, but you're a fellow furry, a fellow gamer, and a great writer whom I respect; and so I wish you the best.
I hope you start feeling better soon,
R. Wolf
I'd like to change so many little things about it, but I'm not certain I can. I don't feel secure in seeking a new job, either. The economy, despite what "experts" say, is still very out-of-whack. Plus, my age is a factor. Many employers, as happened with my father, won't want to hire someone in their 40s when they can get someone in their 20s for half the cost.
Do you have any ideas on that?
And thank you for your vote of confidence. <hugs> I appreciate being found attractive. I have to convince myself to believe it, still, but it's good to know the appreciation is out there.
The weight, I think, is mostly hard because I managed to deny myself for 15 months. That's how I lost as much as I did. And, still, I'm down considerably from my 354 pound peak. But it's harder and harder to do this, to keep it up. I'm not sure I can do that for the rest of my life.
But thank you for your suggestion.