All I wanted was to do some little doodle to help alleviate my frustration. I figured I'd drawn that little wolf doodle in the past. It's shitty, but I can get better, right? Wrong. I started drawing circles, because all I ever seem to make are potatoes. Lots of potatoes. Then, I went to sketch the body. It's three circles and some lines, right? So, I get something that looks half way mediocre, but now I've forgotten how to do the legs. So, I go and pull up the youtube video, and decide to just start on the back and walk through it, but now I can't draw anything in proportion, and my circles are potatoes again, and my lines are jagged, and twitchy, and don't even look remotely fluid, and my paper is covered in eraser shavings. I eventually say to hell with it, and attempt to sketch the guide lines for the legs, mess up a bunch, but eventually just stick with what I've got. Now, I try to draw the muzzle. The f**** muzzle. And now my wolf is a duck. Then it's a platypus. And now it's a spatula with legs. At this point I'm literally so angry that I'm resisting the urge to gnaw on my eraser. And then I lose the clip for my pencil... *insert inarticulate rage noises here* Now I fully realize that, not only has this attempt gotten worse than the previous one, it's gotten MUCH worse. I'm on the verge of having a panic attack out of sheer frustration. Even with the previous attempt which I considered a decent effort, I was so strung out that I was shaking at the end. I desperately want to draw. To be able to express myself. I have so many ideas that cannot be conveyed through the written word, but for some reason that only god knows, I cannot draw the simplest of things. I understand that my favorite artists whom I aspire to be like have practiced for as long as I've been alive, but still, I cannot see how I may some day see this as FUN. It just feels so unnatural. Writing a commentary or an evaluation feels natural. Building an old motorcycle feels natural. Drawing feels strange. Creative writing and writing stories feels unnatural. I have so many stories but no way to tell them! I cannot endlessly commission artists, or even fully communicate the scope of my ideas to them! What the hell??? FNARKALJLGJELALJARBLGARAGJLAFAEKLJFLAJELFJALLJEOIAFAAAAARGHHHHHH.
Anyway, nobody will read this, as per the usual. Why would they? I'm just some dude, trying to make shitty drawings, and shitty stories because I have no life, and no actual friends whom I can confide in. Hell, I don't even have any online furry buddies!
I just feel so damn awkward. Whenever I'm in a livestream chat or something, and there is a conversation going on, I feel compelled to interject with some random-ass comment which ends up making me look like a fool. Or I just get ignored and fade away. That seems to be the trend for me. And when I try to communicate with an artist directly, I just misinterpret everything, try to insert humor or clarify, and then I get misinterpreted. I guess so much of how I communicate is based off of physical factors: eye movement, gestures, posture, etc. that I am incapable of gauging an appropriate response.
And there you have it. The world's shittiest essay on me feeling like shit and being angry about shit. There is a bunch more, but I figure I ought to quit while I'm ahead and spare the whopping zero people who pay attention to my journals.