Hello everyone.

I hope you are all fine and spending a great spring time.
I have to write this journal for quite a long time now. But I don't know what to say or how to say things I must tell you.
I'm scared to be too long, to personal.. don't know. (edit : well I was right XD)

First ! Sorry for the Hiatus. You may saw that I wasn't that productive past months.
I'm very sorry and mostly for people waiting for art. I didn't forget you.
I didn't really told anyone except close people what was really going on.

Here's the truth. Each Christmas of my life was worse than the previous one and I really wanted this to change in 2013.
Family drama, disappointments, money problems.. each time.
I just wanted all to be ok this time. I made a lot of commission to have money, even had a new boyfriend to try something
new because with my ex our relationship was not working since 2 years and it was killing me.
Tried to work harder, discover new people. And for the first time of my life I spent Christmas not with familly but with my boyfriend's friends/familly.
Just to try if it will be different.
Well it was.
I was even worse in fact.
On Christmas day my mom called me to say that my Dad was in hospital, that he was not able to eat anymore.
That he could have just a bad indigestion.
Since few years he was not that very strong and sportive dad like he used to be. Very slim, maybe to much.
I was worry about his lack of energy and his weight (the same than me :s) and we had a lot of argument and fight about this.
But well, at 53 years old it's a bit normal to be slow ans grow old.
Then everything was getting faster. My boyfriend was totally kidding me and was not a good support, and we broke. I was still in love with my ex Mielou.
Who was suffering a lot of our breaking up. And this thing in my head about my father. Is it a cancer ? Is it serious ? How my family handle this ?
More than that, all my friends were busy with their own problems. I was totaly empty and felt alone.
I turned crazy. Too much things you know. Even if I had money to earn, commission to do. I went to my parent's, without computer or anything.
It was hard. At first he was just, you know sick. Watching tv with me in the living room. Laying on the couch.
We were talking. Not that much. We was even tired to speak.
Then hospital. Again, and again. Two full month wondering what's going on. Hearing doctors saying that they don't find what's wrong with him.
They didn't have a clue. My father was getting skinnier and skinnier. Unable to eat correctly.
Then they found it, a cancer. Of what ? We still don't know today. He had a Chemotherapy. But he was so weak. They tried to find the cancer and heal the damages.
I came back home to work a bit and prepare a convention I planned to do in April. Polymanga. I was unable to draw. I was to scared.
Two month without working. Impossible when you are freelance artist. I was broke. I needed to go back, to draw like I always did and keep hope.
I didn't had much time there. My mom called me 3 days after. " I think, you should really come back..". I never book and took a train that fast.
I knew what she meant by that. After that came the longest week of my life. Visiting my father at the hospital. Lying to him and pretending all was ok.
Wondering which day he will leave. He was here, chatting, saying jokes. Skinny as a skeleton. Funniest skeleton ever.
In pain, scared. When you see this, you lost a part of you, it's your dad.. your childhood that you see weak and scared like a little child.
Suddenly I had to take care of my mom who never let someone else do the thing for her. She was just a lost child too.
My two brothers and the rest of my family too. I knew since christmas that 2014 was the year when my dad will go. Not them, they were full of hope,
a bit in denial. I was not. Each second I spend with him was precious because I knew it was maybe the last.
At some point I wanted him to go. To just fall asleep. He was in horrible pain..I was happy to think he will be not in pain anymore. At the end he was smiling. My mom spent a night and day with him alone
in his hospital bed. Strange feeling.
And then he just left.

Papers,layers,money..cries, papers. More cries. Cries on papers. More money.
The worst thing is what family have to deal with after all of this. Mostly in France.

It's been a month now. He left the first day of spring. March 22 th. As a former landscaper it's a bit funny.
He was like this. Silent, discreet.. but doing jokes time to time.
Sound strange but I didn't knew him that much even if we were close. We was never really talking about himself. His past or experiences.
I learn thing on him everyday, more than when he was alive.
And it's making me proud.


I took one month. To rest, to calm down. To try to find sleep. And to work again.
The Anime convention I did ,Polymanga helped me a lot to stay motivated and had new ideas about my job.
It worked very well and I met cool people.
I feel different. I guess I will not be able to explain you in what exactly.
I'm just not the same person anymore. I don't do things I used to do since I'm little. And start to do new things I never be interested for.
I'm not proud of me or of what I've done of my life so far. I'm not self confident but I realized that I wanted to show something else
to my father before he goes. I don't go high enough. I can draw, create, sell, live better.
I'm to lazy. My dream was to live of my art. And when I succeeded 2 years ago I didn't go further.

I just wanted to be a better person for my dad to be even more proud of me.
So I try to do it.. Not sure if it means that I'm adult now.
At the end I'm still the little girl who love to draw.
She is just a bit broken. Well a lot in fact.


Sorry if it was bad english, a wall of text and a bit personal
I think I needed this.
Thanks for your support.






Ps : I changed my To do list link, you can find it here.
And I updated they link everywhere else ^^


Thanks !