I want to draw, but I always have this scared feeling whenever I even think about drawing or go to grab my sketchbook or tablet. It's a weird feeling that I'm going to try to describe here, for my own sake, but if any of you have any suggestions or anything of the sort is appreciated.

Whenever I draw anything I always have whatever I'm going to draw envisioned already in my mind. Its no surprise that I'm not a great artist. Whenever I have a finished piece in front of me I always am severely disappointed. No, I'm not expecting perfection but it still feels like I'm not doing as well as I feel I should be able to? I'm not really sure. Yeah some pieces I am very happy with how they turn out but still, something in me still gives me disappointment. I can't help it. I know that I need to keep practicing if I want to keep getting better, but every time I want to draw, I'm always stopped, as if I'm stunned in fear of what I'm going to produce. At this point in time I feel like I envision what I want to draw and at the same time my brain automatically envisions what my final product is going to look like and then all inspiration and anything of the sort is just completely wiped away from me and I never pick it up.

I really want to get better as an artist and I really want to keep drawing. It has always been a fun thing for me to do but I just don't know what is up with me lately. It's really kind of sad. It's kind of depressing me even more. Who knows, though. My mind/feelings/emotions have been in an unstable state for the past few weeks. Maybe once I sort that out, my whole drawing issue will fall back into place again.

Anymore, I've just been feeling all these feelings that I just really haven't been able to explain for some reason. I have all these feelings mixed together at once. I can be happy, but yet at the same time I feel sad, lonely, depressed, angry, hopeful, hurt, etc. I feel like a mess and I just dont know what to do. I think because of this also I just seem to get very irritated more often. I seem to have less patience than I used to, getting irritated or pissed off at things I normally would just shrug off and keep going on with my day. Every so often I just take time and sit in my room and just try to sort out all my feelings, but I just can't seem to. I don't know why I feel all these things at once. I sometimes feel like its all the emotions that I've kept bottled up for so long trying to finally escape. I've always had trust issues, and therefore find it very hard to trust people. It's for this reason that I've never really opened up to anyone completely. Sure, I've talked to people about how I feel, but even when I do I tend to either make up some lies, or just avoid the whole truth. I have many great friends, that I'm sure wouldn't mind listening to everything I say, but I just can't find it within myself to open up to someone and let them know every single thing about me. I always put on a happy face so that people won't worry about me. And because of this no one ever seems to see how confused and/or hurt I really am on the inside. I sometimes make little posts or skype mood updates intending for people to reach out to me, but even as soon as someone does, I just can never open up and say what's really on my mind. And at the same time, I just feel absolutely terrible. As if I'm being an attention whore and just being like "HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME." *sighs*

Well this journal really de-railed from what I originally wanted to talk about, but I guess its not entirely a bad thing. Was supposed to be a journal trying to figure out why I can never seem to draw anything anymore. Seems I have more on my mind than I really thought. I kind of want to delete half this journal, but I think I'll keep it there. Mostly for my own sake. I think I was able to, for once, put some of my thoughts down that I haven't before. Heh.

Thanks if you actually read all this. Not really sure what else to say,