Over a thousand page views and I havn't even uploaded in more then a week!

Thank you all for the intrest and I'm sorry for the lack of uploads (gotta offset that joy with a little chagrin). I'll be uploading some new swag very soon.

Now, returning to a more...diary-like mode (which is what these journals are for aren't they?) I had an interesting experiance today:

Yesterday, a member of my extended family was feeling down and, being as I am, I chatted with him for a while to help him feel better (apperantly I succeded and I'm glad).
But as often happens, the psychiatrist will pick up the symptoms of his patient, and I began to feel a bit 'insecure'.

I would like to think that I handle myself and my artwork fairly well, concidering. For the most part, I accept my art for what and where it is and don't brood over how "I'm not as good as artist X" or so forth.
I enjoy drawing and even if I didn't have a gallery to show (which I was very late in getting) I would still be drawing.

I'm generous with my art, and do more gift pics and unbidden fanart then commissions (I've only received one of those). And while I'm not going to begin patting myself on the back, I do think I have cause to be content.

Yet, late last night, when the caffine began to wear off, and I just finished helping cheer up my friend, I myself was feeling my insecurities rise.

There are many artists that I greatly admire, and who have inspired me, just by there own works, to expand my artistic horizons and try things that I otherwise might not have done.
Many of these artist have received fan art from me as a kind of artistic tribute, 'though they might know it not.

Yet, again, in the night, with my Pepsi gone, I begin to feel a bit morose. As I said, there are many artists that I admire, and they themselves have people that they admire and like; and like me, they give gift art to one another.

Often I'll see artist A, whom I enjoy, do a pic for artist B who has done work for artist C and then B goes one of A with C and so forth.

There may indeed be a pang of jealousy in there somewhere, but I think it's better described as being a sence that I'm left out.

I remember way back, I sucked up a good deal of courage (I'm a bit reclusive by nature and don't often reach out) and sent an email to one of the artist who is now here on FA who I very much liked. I liked his art, and the bios and other writtings he had on his site at the time made me want to know him.

I sent an email, and to my delight, I got a responce! Unfortunatly, in my tempered enthusiam, I probubly sounded like a 'fan-boi' (which may very well be true). I sent a responce back, saying that I "was just looking to be a friend". His responce was that friends aren't "made" they are "earned".

He was right. I don't think any ill of him at all - he's still on my Watch List - but I felt very took down.

So often I see other artists doing pics for each other, or doing Open Canvas together or talking about how well they get along with each other and I can't help but think that they are looking for 'contemporaries', not 'tag-a-longs'.

So there I am - me and my sketches. Now I'm not trying to say that artists are intentionly trying to be elitist or that I'm feeling trodden on by the 'upper-caste'. But I do feel a bit 'ommited'.

Naturally people will group with others that they feel close to. It's the 'Birds of a Feather' phenomonon, and it doesn't require any maliciouness to operate.
It works on levels as far reaching as "Why yes, I'm a Rebublican Communist who lives by Nihlistic guidlines!" and as close as "Heh, I have a Penny Arcade shirt too!"
So I'm not decrying anything, I'm just lamenting futily (translate = whining).

Still, there are a multitude of awesome artists out there who I would love to know better and hopefully see as friends; but despite what my logic tells me, my subconscious feeling of "They're on a pedastal and I'm in a gutter." is hard to shake and without a common frame to work in, any unprovocked email, however courteous, is hard to seperate from "OMG! I luvs ur art!!one11! Can i b ur friend?!"

Now, going back about 16 paragraphs (wow), I mentioned that something interesting happend today.
That something was that, after having brooded on his little 'problem' most of the night while I waited for the Sandman to beat me into an unconscious state, I checked my recent submissions today to see that [image]CircleA61[/image] had made a pic thanking me and several other artists who had done him some well-deserved giftwork.

Boy was I surprised; and mighty sheepish. Apperantly the Almighty hears me, and answers.
I also got an IM from my wing-brother, who is an extremly talented artist himself. So apperantly, I'm not as 'friendless' and 'thankless' as my misery wanted me to think.

And again it's proved, that there are some things you will never find by looking, but will make themselves known when you least expect it and where you least thought to look.

So to all of you who have looked through my gallery: my hearfelt thanks.
And to all my friends: Hugs and bows and thanks.

I'm indebted to you all.

D.O.P.R

P.S.Now keep in mind, I'm not an overly emotional person and I'm not writting this to get any "pity-party" responces, it's just me utilizing this little space on the web to record something I felt during November 2006 at one in the morning with my Pepsi supply dwindling. More then likely I'll read this in the morning and slap my forehead while calling myself a fool.
Point is - don't take anything seriously except my thanks.