ive been thinking alot tonight, not all of it bad..
most of it being thoughts of what im going to do from here


ive been thinking of people ive loved... people ive lost..
people that i will eventualy lose..

ive been thinking about relocating, about moving away and being around people that i care about
but im afraid...

whenever ive tried to make a dream come true in my life, its led me down a path that i never wanted to take...
i never wanted to lose my best friend..
i never wanted to be thrown out of his house, and have to come home

{Part omitted on FA, check my LJ if you want this part}

my best friend used to talk about our futures together, how me kex citty and him would all go to this small town where we could live like everything else in the world didnt matter.

i was naive back then and believed that dreams like that could come true, but now, im afraid to take steps to make dreams come true because of the fear that they will fail.

theres so many reasons that i should go..
my parents separating..
the person i loved more than anything moving on and becoming happy with his new life with someone else...
the mounting debt, the broken car
the minimum wage job

if i go, itll mean a better start
ill have the chance to make something of my self with the help of my friends

but if i go.. ill have given up on things...
ill have given up on my heart finding what it really wants..
and i may never be happy with myself for giving up on that chance

but to be safe? and to be loved by those that care about me... is that an equal exchange for what i lose?

i might end up happier, maybe even fixing things that were lost
but the scars of what i forfitted would remain..


theres little here for for me..
theres my friend bryan, hes the only person here whos ever really done anything for me without wanting in return from me and im greatful for that.
but hes leaving next year to move in with his mate, so one way of another im going to lose that relationship.

theres the threads of friendships i had with the furries here, who now the majority of them barely aknowledge my existance except for certain times of the year when they send me best wishes, cant say that i blame them, i do carry alot of unwanted baggage with me


if i go to PA, ill be living with furries that i know.. that ive always been able to count on and who've always supported me.
one of whom being my ex wthat i dated for 2 years till i left him in september..
he always treated me the best he could but im greedy and selfish, only concerned with what i wanted and what i craved.. and what i did was wrong.
but through that he still loves me.. but.. i dont know how i feel. i know my heart is somewhere else.. and always will be.. hbut i care for him a great deal..

i dont know.. my choices are always very difficult.. but the worse thing i can do is make no choice at all.. i have to do something and i have to commit to it and give it my whole heart or else itll fail.

i need to jump start my life, one way or another in one place or another.



"So long, Amory...
Please drive me home one last time..."
On The Brink - Coheed and Cambria