As of now, things in my life are just... i don't even know. So much is happening, and its just really really hard on my mind. I think I'm going to go insane...

First of all, thanks to a friend of mine, I've began discovering deeply rooted issues within myself that I need to work on to become a better, more stable person. That thing being my self esteem. If I'm right, my self esteem problems stem from the utter devastation i experienced when my first, and best, furry friend changed and left me for whatever reason. And of course this was during high school, so it couldn't have been at a worse time. No friends irl, and only furry friends to talk to.

And so I sadly gained a dependence on my friends. In my mind i somehow see the previous incident as my fault, and so i told myself that i'd never lose a friend like that again. All I do now is work hard to make sure my friends are as happy as they can be, and that they feel loved and accepted and that I help them with anything that they could possibly need help with. However, when I can't talk to my friends, i cant satisfy my need to help people and go through withdraws i think.

I've focused so much of my energy on helping other people that I've completely drained myself. I help and I make others happy. But when I get upset, I become a fortress of solitude. Sure, I go on Skype and talk to friends about my problems, and they do their best to help me, but i never accept it and remain sad or otherwise upset until the next day usually. I'm too weak to even help myself or accept help from others when i need it most.

I also get very jealous easily now apparently. I see or hear about the things others can do, or what they draw or made or something like that, and then i compare it to what i do, and see that its soooo much better than whatever i've done, and i just fall into sadness. I don't do anything cool anymore, I don't have a hobby I like, I'm not improving in my drawing, stories or animations, and all i see around me are all these incredible people who know so much that i dont know about or do these cool useful things. Then there's me. Sure i'm a good friend, but that's all i can really say about myself. I'm an average student, i dont have any clubs or anything im a part of in the area and im not even willing to look, i dont know any celebrity or music star and dont even like most of the music on the radio, so i'm just boring.

Now that i realize all this, i want to change and become better at it. But that's a completely different struggle too. With trying to regain my self esteem, with the help of my friends i've figured out areas that would defiantly help me get it back. but with each and every thing, i find an obstacle that i'm not sure how to clear. Those things that could help me are this:

Before my self esteem went down the drain, i was constantly drawing. Nowadays, i rarely do anything. No drawing, no writing, nothing. I'm unable to do anything anymore, even though its summer break for me. My parents constantly nag and bother me about everything. My mom constantly reminds me of the basic things i do every day. Brush my teeth, wash my face, shower, bed time, and so on. And my dad; every conversation with him is one-sided, where i can't ever get my point across. He just tells me what to do, and that's that. I'm too weak and afraid to argue with him. Basically, I can't do anything even in my own home or room. Since i can't do anything creative, i lose my imagination, and therefore can't do anything at all.

I also want to take upon myself more responsibility over myself, as this is a key thing to help regain my self esteem. But, at this point in time, its impossible. My parents still tell me everything to do, and don't even give me a chance to do anything or say anything otherwise. Whenever I tell my mom that i'm growing up and don't need her to tell me everything, she always comes back with the one-sided "I am your mother" yada yada yada speech, so I never gain any ground there. Trying something else, i tried to get a job anywhere i could. But my dad said no and told me to try volunteering instead because it would look good on my resume. I can't work anywhere at all because i'd get bad hours and junk like that. So no money for me either. I respect and love my parents, but they don't let me do anything.

So yeah, I find out i have self esteem problems but as I try to work to fix them things just get worse and worse. My parents don't listen and don't let me do anything despite my attempts to reason with them logically, and so nothing works there. I can't ever be responsible for myself at home, so I'm already wanting to go back to college. Forget summer break, i want to go back to school. And then, on top of ALL this, we received news not an hour ago that a friend of our family died. The man who died was pretty much my grandfather, because my dad's dad died when my dad was 14.

I'm still just a kid, though i want to become an adult. All I've ever really done is complain, whine, and bug people with my problems instead of trying to solve them myself. I'm trying to change, but the process is very very painful as i try to figure myself out.

I'm not sure I can handle all this. I can't process my emotions right now. The death in the family. Should I cry? Should I yell? Should I just sit and do nothing? My self esteem. What can i even do? Why am i so weak? Why am I like this at all? Why have i done this to myself? I don't know. My mind works in ways i don't think i'll understand for many years, and my emotions are just an ever changing enigma.

So in the words of Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.” And currently, I can't. I just... can't... my life is still falling apart, and as I try to fix myself, i end up breaking down even more. Maybe one day i'll manage to build a castle, but first I have to fix my foundation. But as of now, i can't, because i'm too weak hearted and weak minded.

Thank you, my friends, for always sticking by my side. I am sorry to have let you all down once again...