So, my 2-3 week inpatient stay ended up being closer to a month, and I feel a bit shell-shocked from all the clinical interviews, therapy groups, and just generally intense experiences. I'm happy to be out, and I've got both good and not-as-good news to share. I want to share my diagnostic summary, and a bit of what I'm doing now on an outpatient basis.

(I'm going to preface this by saying that I am located in Canada, and diagnosis's in general are kind of hard to get here compared to America, so I hope no one will find it unusual that I had to go through so much to get mine, and that I only got diagnosed with a few things. :P)


The not so great news is that they did not have the necessary experience, the time, or the facilities to confirm a DID diagnosis, although it was unanimously agreed that my reported symptoms are consistent with the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for a DID diagnosis, and that is prominently mentioned in my psycho-diagnostic summary. The psychologist I saw was totally awesome for general diagnosis's, but was pretty ignorant on the topic of dissociation, and generally didn't seem to believe much in dissociative disorders(she was pretty old, and had a lot of traditional beliefs and ideals around gender as well, that absolutely biased her professionally), although when I asked her if she felt my symptoms were based in fantasy-proneness or delusion she firmly asserted that she felt my symptoms were definitely due to a traumatic childhood, and were dissociative rather than psychotic in nature, and absolutely centered around identity. She felt I was not fantasy-prone at all, in spite of being very creative. So while she had some pretty out of date ideals, and generally didn't seem to understand how dissociation works, she was at least familiar enough with it to determine that was the nature of my symptoms.

(So now for the good news!)

As such, I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with Dissociative Features, rather than separate diagnosis's of PTSD and DID. I feel like that's okay. My psychologist and the intern I'm seeing as follow-up emphasized that I could seek further assessment with a specialist to confirm a DID diagnosis if it is important to me, but that this diagnosis will allow me access to the same resources, and being a less controversial diagnosis, might allow me to avoid some of the stigmas around DID. I haven't decided yet if I want to continue to seek out diagnostic clarification, but for now I'm pretty tired of all the clinical stuff, and I'm more interested in focusing on my recovery.

I've also been diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder. It was mentioned that I should begin by seeking recovery from these issues in small steps, apply for disability and focus on my recovery and eventually my education and/or volunteering rather than getting back into the work force. However, it was advised that if after dealing with my anxieties, and when I am ready to work again, should I still find myself having difficulties with concentration, distraction, procrastination, and hyperactivity, that I should pursue a diagnosis of ADHD as a next step.

It's also worth noting that while I suffer from several prominent symptoms that initially resemble psychotic disorders, I demonstrate good reality testing, organized and goal-directed behaviour, and I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for a psychotic disorder. The psychologist instead thinks that my symptoms are stress-induced, shouldn't worsen with age, and should be manageable with good coping strategies and a healthy lifestyle. So that's good!

So, all in all, I'm pretty satisfied with that. I feel like in spite of being a bit biased, and a bit inexperienced with dissociative issues, the psychologist and intern were thorough and careful in their analysis, and my diagnosis's have brought me a lot of validation and some great recommendations for recovery(as scary as they might be!)

As far as recovery, I'm supposed to apply for ODSP(disability) and stop working so that I can focus on my health. This was a real slap in the face to me, because even with how much it had been asserted that I was not in working shape(and as much as it was suggested that I could volunteer if it made me feel better), I still feel obligated to make my own income. There's a lot of guilt around that for me, but my disproportionate expectations, my overly critical self-views, and my maladaptive workaholic behaviours are noted in my diagnostic summary so... well, there you go. I guess it's time to let it go, actually face my core issues, and change the way I'm looking at myself and my life. I need to redefine what success means for me. So I'll be finishing the work I owe, and then I'll just be focusing on my recovery, and letting my illustrative business focus on personal projects instead of commissioned work.

I'm also going to be seeing a therapist, attending outpatient group CBT at the hospital, going to local mental health support groups, and generally trying to get out of the house more. This is going to be really hard because, well... I'm agoraphobic. But I'm already making the first steps, and I'm committed to following through with it.
I'm also following up with the psychology intern who did most of my assessment, just for a couple of months on an outpatient basis.
I'm also going to continue to take melatonin at night and try to maintain a normal sleep schedule, which hospitalization has helped me settle into really effectively.

So that's that! I want to thank you all for being so patient while I was away, and for all your awesome support! I'll probably not be online a whole lot over the next week or two while I adjust to being at home again after that intense hospitalization, but I'll be answering messages reliably after that, and I'll try not to be totally absent in the meantime. :P


-Excess