So the other day me and my brother went and bought a bunch of stuff, which included 2 Monsters. My "friend" so he says and I am told, or more to a brother to him, one the kids that used to punch me all the time. Started to open my brother's Monster, I started to be passivise told him not to drank it, and everything would come back on me. My brother was at drill, all day he got home went directly to bed, never noticed. Mostly b/c I put it back in the fridge empty, b/c I couldnt deal with that shit there and then, my brother's fit I mean. So my "friend/brother" keeps me up all night to want to take a 4 hour nap at 4:30 in the morning. Mostly of this shit happens b/c I am trying to be polite I am sorry if I sound bitchy. So I go to my room to take my nap, b/c I am really fucking tired, and not even 10 mins later I am alerted by some kinda knocking, so I thought if they want in they can open they door, they obviously has hand they can knock. They open the door its my brother, 1st thing he does it yell at me, asking about his Monster. I just take the blame, b/c I knew it was all going to come done to this, and I want sleep. After I leaves I cant go back to sleep, I have been up since 6;00 yesterday morning, and after being tired for hours b/c my "friend" forced to me to stay up, I fucking cant go to sleep! I fucking hate, pain, I am afraid of needles, but typing it and seeing the word I hurt thinking about it, but if someone has it needle close to me, I am fucking dieing! And I fuck guess that makes me a fucking baby, and I guess I fucking I just wanna give up, I hate pain, seeing, causing others to be hurt, and more shit, and if that makes me a baby, or bitch or what the FUCK ever you wanna call it, then yes I fucking am. I dont care anymore, my knees hurt mostly likely from doing the things for my mom, I coulda waited for my brother to get home to do, or cooled down, but no I had to do it then and there by myself, push it about probably 300feet more or less I dont fuck know in 90 degree F or higher heat, push about a 150-200 pound riding lawn mower, but guess that doesnt matter as long as I get it done right? Right? I dont wanna feel pain, or get yelled at anymore, its not that I wanna give up anymore it was never that way, guess was being selfish in the beginning, even now. But I have to I feel need to be set free, from who, or what I am, what my torture has made me, you can say I am over exaggerating or whatever but in my mind after awhile of enduring 10-15 or so years of pain it what it is to me in my brain. Need to end it. I guess if there is anyone here or that reads this, I try about 5 maybe 10hours of staying alive just starring like around I guess. This isnt about wanting to kill myself anymore its about saving the people around me, I dont know when or how, but sometime soon I am sure I am going to go somewhat mad, so I will probably try to kill other people, my head is hurt, but I guess I am going to have to suck that up too right? Its ok, I got it covered I will suck it up. Oh one good thing I was able to eat, my mom brought me food, and I was able to eat some before and after sharing it with my friend, probably will be all I need for a couple of days. Guess I will talk to whoever respond, I was actually going to give it one last try, I wanted to, I would miss too many people but guess I wiil answer a life long question.