The last year has really been big for me coming to terms with who I am. My gender identity is something I've struggled with my entire life. I've always known but was in denial about it because the world around me treated me like I was as girl as girl could get no matter how I dressed or what I was interested in. No one ever really got to know me. When I was little I loved hot wheels but no one ever got me any. I was always given barbies and princess toys meanwhile my brother got all the cool toys. He shared his toys with me thankfully but it didn't make it any less hurtful that no one really undertood me.
I do remember the first toy I got that I truly truly enjoyed. My mom's best friend got me a toy t Rex from Jurassic park. It was remote controlled and could walk and roar. It became my favorite toy and it gave me hope. I was devastated when her son sat on it and broke it...
In my teenage years I dressed boyish, never wore makeup, but didn't really wish I were a boy anymore. I would occasionally think about it but I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind. I much prefer men and I was actively dating and it didn't make sense to me that I would want to be male but I like men. It is so much easier to date when you are the opposite gender. But it isn't me and none of the guys I dated would accept me for who I really am. At the time it seemed more important to me. But mid last year I finally put a stop to this inner war going on. I realized I am a guy mentally and I don't have to fight it. I kept it on the down low fir awhile in fear for how people would react and kind of told the people closest to me slowly and made the change online. It's been a pretty big journey for me so far and it's only just begun. I'm going to look into getting a therapist not only so I can see about getting testosterone treatment eventually but also so I can get help about other issues like my adhd and anxiety. And of course I need to make sure this is right for me. I don't ever plan to get bottom surgery for sure. As much aa I wish I could have the parts its bad enough I will probably be sticking a big ass needle in my leg entry week for the rest of my life. I do NOT like needles.
I'm also pissed because I read some stuff about ftms just being body mod extremists. I Won't EVEN GET TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS! It's definitely not about body nod, holy shit some people are so ridiculous. And one guy posted a picture of his top surgery (gone wrong) and these fucking assholes were calling him a girl saying shit like I can't believe this young girl would do this to herself. He is a guy!!!!!!! It's just so aggravating.... Also stuff was said that only cancer patients should have their breasts surgically removed and that it's fucked up that we would remove them when so many girls wish they could keep theirs or can't afford the surgery. It's not like I don't care about women with breast cancer, my mum's best friend is a breast cancer survivor. She actually has one fake breast that looks totally normal (not sure about under the clothes of course).
It just.... Really pisses me off. Might delete this journal...