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Labels
11 years ago
So, I was reading the gay furries journal about labels and started typing a response that I realized was too long to be a comment, and would be better suited as a journal.
Labels are important. They can also be confusing and annoying, and sometimes cause unnecessary tension for superficial reasons. Use them wisely.
For example I'm gay. But that's not "technically" true, I'm actually bi, with a strong preference for men. But that's not even true because I'm pan-sexual since I'm attracted to trans and gender fluid individuals with more of a preference for those identifying with a more masculine identity.
Ugh!
Seriously, I'm pretty much just gay. For the most part, I've only ever been with guys, I've been in a committed relationship with another guy for 9 years, and while we're poly, we most likely won't add anyone to the relationship that isn't a cisgender (non-trans) male. So, when I'm talking to the casual acquaintance there's no reason for me to identify as anything other than gay. But those other labels are important for me to consider and to even consider changing and dropping or adding new ones as I become more aware of the common definitions of them.
It's like if you're going to buy a can of beans. You go to the store, and every can on the shelf just has "beans" and no other information on the label. You take a can home, thinking it's pinto beans, and find out they're red beans, which you don't care for the taste of. You get another can and they are pinto beans, but not refried, like you wanted. You get a can of refried beans, but they are vegetarian, when you wanted fat-free, etc.
On the flip side of that, you want to be able to tell that something is beans, without having to read 50 million other qualifiers before that which makes it more confusing. Which is why, in the store, "beans" will usually be the largest word on the label, and the others become smaller the more specific they are.
I think people forget what labels are and what they are for. If I told everyone I met that I was bi, or pansexual, it's misleading because for all realistic purposes, I'm gay. I've met some men who identify as "bi curious" who have only ever had sexual encounters with men! Seriously dude, you're just confusing people and adding to the negativity of labels. It's like people feel that if they are one label (bi, for example) they can't be gay, or straight, or pansexual. You can be several labels but you should make the most general, and most applicable one your main label.
Context is also important. If you're at a party where they're serving Mexican food, and the host asks you if you want beans, you're not going to expect lima beans, or baked beans, or garbanzo beans, you'll expect pinto beans, probably refied, or maybe black beans. Unless you're unfamiliar with Mexican food, in which case you learn when you see them. You don't argue with them and say that these weren't the beans that you were expecting. To the same effect, you don't go to a gay bar and become shocked to find that someone of the same gender is hitting on you. But there really are no "LGBT" bars, so gay bars are kind of the defacto locale in that regard, where you wouldn't be shocked to see a few men and women flirting with each other, or to find out that some of the people there are trans individuals.
Of course, people aren't beans. We can think and feel, and change our minds about certain things. While you may identify as bi in your 20s, you may identify more with the gay or straight communities in your 30s. While you may identify as gay in your 20's you may feel more comfortable with your attraction to the opposite gender in your 30s. But you need to pick labels very carefully. Most people want to pick the label that "feels" right to them, but this can often be misleading to others when you start with that label. For me, pansexual feels right, but really it's misleading to the outside world because I've only ever been with men, and only cisgender ones. What I am to most people is "gay" so that's how I usually identify.
So, my point is, labels are important, but use them with care and take other people's perceptions into consideration. Because labels are just that. A label to communicate to others, not yourself.
Labels are important. They can also be confusing and annoying, and sometimes cause unnecessary tension for superficial reasons. Use them wisely.
For example I'm gay. But that's not "technically" true, I'm actually bi, with a strong preference for men. But that's not even true because I'm pan-sexual since I'm attracted to trans and gender fluid individuals with more of a preference for those identifying with a more masculine identity.
Ugh!
Seriously, I'm pretty much just gay. For the most part, I've only ever been with guys, I've been in a committed relationship with another guy for 9 years, and while we're poly, we most likely won't add anyone to the relationship that isn't a cisgender (non-trans) male. So, when I'm talking to the casual acquaintance there's no reason for me to identify as anything other than gay. But those other labels are important for me to consider and to even consider changing and dropping or adding new ones as I become more aware of the common definitions of them.
It's like if you're going to buy a can of beans. You go to the store, and every can on the shelf just has "beans" and no other information on the label. You take a can home, thinking it's pinto beans, and find out they're red beans, which you don't care for the taste of. You get another can and they are pinto beans, but not refried, like you wanted. You get a can of refried beans, but they are vegetarian, when you wanted fat-free, etc.
On the flip side of that, you want to be able to tell that something is beans, without having to read 50 million other qualifiers before that which makes it more confusing. Which is why, in the store, "beans" will usually be the largest word on the label, and the others become smaller the more specific they are.
I think people forget what labels are and what they are for. If I told everyone I met that I was bi, or pansexual, it's misleading because for all realistic purposes, I'm gay. I've met some men who identify as "bi curious" who have only ever had sexual encounters with men! Seriously dude, you're just confusing people and adding to the negativity of labels. It's like people feel that if they are one label (bi, for example) they can't be gay, or straight, or pansexual. You can be several labels but you should make the most general, and most applicable one your main label.
Context is also important. If you're at a party where they're serving Mexican food, and the host asks you if you want beans, you're not going to expect lima beans, or baked beans, or garbanzo beans, you'll expect pinto beans, probably refied, or maybe black beans. Unless you're unfamiliar with Mexican food, in which case you learn when you see them. You don't argue with them and say that these weren't the beans that you were expecting. To the same effect, you don't go to a gay bar and become shocked to find that someone of the same gender is hitting on you. But there really are no "LGBT" bars, so gay bars are kind of the defacto locale in that regard, where you wouldn't be shocked to see a few men and women flirting with each other, or to find out that some of the people there are trans individuals.
Of course, people aren't beans. We can think and feel, and change our minds about certain things. While you may identify as bi in your 20s, you may identify more with the gay or straight communities in your 30s. While you may identify as gay in your 20's you may feel more comfortable with your attraction to the opposite gender in your 30s. But you need to pick labels very carefully. Most people want to pick the label that "feels" right to them, but this can often be misleading to others when you start with that label. For me, pansexual feels right, but really it's misleading to the outside world because I've only ever been with men, and only cisgender ones. What I am to most people is "gay" so that's how I usually identify.
So, my point is, labels are important, but use them with care and take other people's perceptions into consideration. Because labels are just that. A label to communicate to others, not yourself.
