FA+
Shop
State of the Croc and Reflections
11 years ago
Hello everyone. It's your friendly neighborhood crocodile once again.
The past few weeks have been a trying time for me, after I was literally at Death's door, ready to knock on it. Luckily I wasn't able to go through with what I was thinking about doing and so I write these lines to set the record straight on a few things. First things first, I am physically well for the most part. I was able to get in to see and establish a primary care physician to look after me, both physically and mentally, though with a bit more focus on the latter. I have been on an anti-depressant for the past few days and that...well that's gonna take a while before we figure out if that is effective or not. They also found a secondary infection to which I was given a one-time antibiotic, but I will find out if that is gone when I go back to the doctor on the 9th. I am also seeing a therapist to talk about my issues with and get advice from about what to do and where to go from here, plus I will be seeing a psychiatrist on Friday to figure out more of what's wrong with me and to prescribe any additional medications or to keep me on the path I'm on now.
Now, onto why we're even having this conversation to begin with. I am not a perfect man, nor have I ever claimed to be. I have very raw feelings and emotions toward certain things that I will freely admit to having a difficult time in keeping under control. That in itself is enough of a reason to warrant going to therapy every so often, and it should be considered very honorable thing. And one day, I just let those feelings and emotions get in the way of my better judgment, turning what is normally a rash and level-headed individual into someone that he is not. After a lot of thought and deliberation on the matter, which I get a lot of when I'm on the open road for as long as I am, I feel like I've let a lot of people down. In a moment of weakness and vulnerability, I felt like I failed to contain myself and utilize an outlet that was more appropriate than the ones I did. And for that, I feel like I need to offer a full and sincere apology to certain people for what I did.
To my housemates - I put you guys directly in the firing line. This should have been an internal matter to sort out between us, but it quickly got out in the open. If there are any grievances in the future, come to me and discuss it one-on-one. I should have taken that course and for that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.
To those that I mentioned in the journal which was the catalyst for all of this - I acted in a moment inspired by rash madness. Whether or not what I said was true does not matter; what does is the fact that it was even brought up to begin with. While I've been thinking about everything, I've come to the conclusion that there are things that just shouldn't be brought out into an open forum. For that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.
To anyone who follows my Twitter account - this is where things really blew up. I know that I should not exposed you guys to this in the first place, and while you may think of me what you will, I should not have let it get to that point to begin with. I was manipulated into saying things that I would normally know are wrong, and I should have shut the door right then and there to avoid escalating things further. For that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.
And finally, there are two people that I would like to single out...two people that hold a significant place in my life and being. To
prismalin, I would like to say that if I would have known that the dissolution of your relationship with 
tombeckett was a mutual one to begin with, then I would never had gone after 
sledmetodeath the way I did or harbored any of the feelings that I had. I might've even been tempted to strike up a dialogue with him as well. But I let my feelings for you get in the way of that...and as for what I said over Twitter, that was not the real me. I am a calm and mellow individual regularly who would not wish harm on a spider. And a lot of people find spiders to be creepy, so that should say something.
The other person I would like to single out right now is
kuroryushin-kuma. Ever since you entered my life, I have held an affinity to you that I rarely hold for anyone. You have to be a very, VERY special person for me to hold such feelings for someone the way I held them for you, and I feel like I let you down more than anyone. If I would have jumped off that bridge and taken my life, how would that make you feel? The fact that I acted in such a way toward you and your mate is what eats at me the most. I will hold back my true feelings as this is neither the time or place for that, but know that I feel the worst for you.
For that, I am sorry to all of you and will take responsibility for my actions. I just hope that you will see me for the good that I am and the good I can bring, and not just for the moment of madness that consumed me.
And to anyone else who is reading this, I wish to apologize to you as well. I feel like I have let you all down for letting myself go like this. I could have been a better person and a better friend and because of that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions. Again, don't judge me for this one ugly blemish, but know that I am working to improve myself to make sure that moments like that are to never happen again.
Now just because I have given my full and sincere apologies to everyone for my actions, doesn't mean that I will not be expecting the same from certain people. I will be waiting to hear from those who had a role in antagonizing me to the point where I felt the need to end my own life. I have taken responsibility for what I have contributed to this mess, and now I will expect the same from them...and as such, I will be lifting any and all blocks that I have put in place. But I will not tolerate any harassment, smearing or any attempts to further stoke the situation. We are all mature individuals here, and I am serious about moving ahead in my life and putting this ugly chapter behind us all.
Having said that, I love you all who have supported me during this hard and trying time. I know that I can get through this together, one step at a time.
to all.
The past few weeks have been a trying time for me, after I was literally at Death's door, ready to knock on it. Luckily I wasn't able to go through with what I was thinking about doing and so I write these lines to set the record straight on a few things. First things first, I am physically well for the most part. I was able to get in to see and establish a primary care physician to look after me, both physically and mentally, though with a bit more focus on the latter. I have been on an anti-depressant for the past few days and that...well that's gonna take a while before we figure out if that is effective or not. They also found a secondary infection to which I was given a one-time antibiotic, but I will find out if that is gone when I go back to the doctor on the 9th. I am also seeing a therapist to talk about my issues with and get advice from about what to do and where to go from here, plus I will be seeing a psychiatrist on Friday to figure out more of what's wrong with me and to prescribe any additional medications or to keep me on the path I'm on now.
Now, onto why we're even having this conversation to begin with. I am not a perfect man, nor have I ever claimed to be. I have very raw feelings and emotions toward certain things that I will freely admit to having a difficult time in keeping under control. That in itself is enough of a reason to warrant going to therapy every so often, and it should be considered very honorable thing. And one day, I just let those feelings and emotions get in the way of my better judgment, turning what is normally a rash and level-headed individual into someone that he is not. After a lot of thought and deliberation on the matter, which I get a lot of when I'm on the open road for as long as I am, I feel like I've let a lot of people down. In a moment of weakness and vulnerability, I felt like I failed to contain myself and utilize an outlet that was more appropriate than the ones I did. And for that, I feel like I need to offer a full and sincere apology to certain people for what I did.
To my housemates - I put you guys directly in the firing line. This should have been an internal matter to sort out between us, but it quickly got out in the open. If there are any grievances in the future, come to me and discuss it one-on-one. I should have taken that course and for that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.
To those that I mentioned in the journal which was the catalyst for all of this - I acted in a moment inspired by rash madness. Whether or not what I said was true does not matter; what does is the fact that it was even brought up to begin with. While I've been thinking about everything, I've come to the conclusion that there are things that just shouldn't be brought out into an open forum. For that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.
To anyone who follows my Twitter account - this is where things really blew up. I know that I should not exposed you guys to this in the first place, and while you may think of me what you will, I should not have let it get to that point to begin with. I was manipulated into saying things that I would normally know are wrong, and I should have shut the door right then and there to avoid escalating things further. For that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.
And finally, there are two people that I would like to single out...two people that hold a significant place in my life and being. To
prismalin, I would like to say that if I would have known that the dissolution of your relationship with 
tombeckett was a mutual one to begin with, then I would never had gone after 
sledmetodeath the way I did or harbored any of the feelings that I had. I might've even been tempted to strike up a dialogue with him as well. But I let my feelings for you get in the way of that...and as for what I said over Twitter, that was not the real me. I am a calm and mellow individual regularly who would not wish harm on a spider. And a lot of people find spiders to be creepy, so that should say something.The other person I would like to single out right now is
kuroryushin-kuma. Ever since you entered my life, I have held an affinity to you that I rarely hold for anyone. You have to be a very, VERY special person for me to hold such feelings for someone the way I held them for you, and I feel like I let you down more than anyone. If I would have jumped off that bridge and taken my life, how would that make you feel? The fact that I acted in such a way toward you and your mate is what eats at me the most. I will hold back my true feelings as this is neither the time or place for that, but know that I feel the worst for you.For that, I am sorry to all of you and will take responsibility for my actions. I just hope that you will see me for the good that I am and the good I can bring, and not just for the moment of madness that consumed me.
And to anyone else who is reading this, I wish to apologize to you as well. I feel like I have let you all down for letting myself go like this. I could have been a better person and a better friend and because of that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions. Again, don't judge me for this one ugly blemish, but know that I am working to improve myself to make sure that moments like that are to never happen again.
Now just because I have given my full and sincere apologies to everyone for my actions, doesn't mean that I will not be expecting the same from certain people. I will be waiting to hear from those who had a role in antagonizing me to the point where I felt the need to end my own life. I have taken responsibility for what I have contributed to this mess, and now I will expect the same from them...and as such, I will be lifting any and all blocks that I have put in place. But I will not tolerate any harassment, smearing or any attempts to further stoke the situation. We are all mature individuals here, and I am serious about moving ahead in my life and putting this ugly chapter behind us all.
Having said that, I love you all who have supported me during this hard and trying time. I know that I can get through this together, one step at a time.
to all.
I'd like to ask a few things. What about my mate? You said some pretty harsh words about him and the gift me got me. What about my family? You called a very insulting demand to a friend of mine that you knew I was already suffering from with the death of my mother. Speaking of and finally what about Artimist? Doesn't he deserve a direct apology knowing he's been suffering a deep depression?
I'm not trying to start anything. This is legitimate concerns for me and these people that need to be addressed and taken care of.