FA+
Shop
The final day of my 20's
11 years ago
General
Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading. I know that I wont feel any different than I do today, and I won't feel any different than I do today, the day after tomorrow.. and so on.
For the last Decade I've gone and done some bonkers things, most things people wouldn't get to do in their entire lives. I've made some horrible mistakes and made some good choices that have shaped who I am, and who I want to be. I've made friends and lost some, have done some horrible things to people, and have had horrible things done to me. I know life is all about learning. All of the goals I wanted to accomplish in my 20's, some of them were unachievable to no fault of anyone really, the circumstances just never appeared. In my 30's I want to get better at what I do in art, learn new techniques and expand my style; get my fluff back off, get my drivers license here in the UK once I've saved for lessons (the only thing holding me back is honestly I can't drive manual, but I don't want to limit myself to an "auto only" license. :|, and for the record I -can- drive, I just hold a US driving license). Save for my first UK car, and then save for whatever comes in the future. I've been incredibly lucky that I don't have any costs or debts here in the UK, so I'll be able to start stuffing my nest egg and truly work out my finances and how to make whatever I make go the farthest that I can.
I've learned life isn't easy, and all of the lessons from my teenage years has been thrown out the window. I've learned more about how to survive in my late 20s than I ever was taught growing up. My parents did what they thought was best, but life lessons that I needed were never there. As a parent, I want to equip my children with knowledge about life, and living. I have had more fun in the last few months than I have in my entire life. I can easily say that this has been the best time of my 20s and with my family here, my 30's will be awesome. My depression has lifted, my stomach is better and I'm filling my time with healthy things rather than locking myself in my office and working nonstop. I know it's taken a major hit in my friendships here on FA, Facebook and my stream family, but I'm thankful that all of you were so understanding of what was going on. I'm normally a bubbly and happy person, but when stress hits and depression settles in, I go from naturally happy, to a forced smile to try to make sure no one knows what I'm going through. Suicide was very heavy on my heart and mind last year, which hasn't been the case since the early 2000's, and knowing how far gone down into depression I was still aware of what I was thinking and knew it wasn't right. As the days got worse, none of the right people would listen to me, so I had to try to find alternative ways of pulling myself out of it. Work and art kept me going. You guys on here and in stream kept me going. I was able to find my safe place and have turned my life around completely.
I feel like me, the same person who left the States. I don't feel like I have to meet anyones expectations, or that I've done anything wrong. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and I can finally say bring on the 30's. I know tomorrow is a new chapter of my life. A new number, a new start.
Thats the outlook I'd like to have, and I'm sticking to it. No more sadness, no more depression, no more poorly stomach. Just forward.
Thank you guys for not giving up on me, and cheering me on over the last 2 years. I'm so happy I have you guys even if I've become aloof on the internet.
For the last Decade I've gone and done some bonkers things, most things people wouldn't get to do in their entire lives. I've made some horrible mistakes and made some good choices that have shaped who I am, and who I want to be. I've made friends and lost some, have done some horrible things to people, and have had horrible things done to me. I know life is all about learning. All of the goals I wanted to accomplish in my 20's, some of them were unachievable to no fault of anyone really, the circumstances just never appeared. In my 30's I want to get better at what I do in art, learn new techniques and expand my style; get my fluff back off, get my drivers license here in the UK once I've saved for lessons (the only thing holding me back is honestly I can't drive manual, but I don't want to limit myself to an "auto only" license. :|, and for the record I -can- drive, I just hold a US driving license). Save for my first UK car, and then save for whatever comes in the future. I've been incredibly lucky that I don't have any costs or debts here in the UK, so I'll be able to start stuffing my nest egg and truly work out my finances and how to make whatever I make go the farthest that I can.
I've learned life isn't easy, and all of the lessons from my teenage years has been thrown out the window. I've learned more about how to survive in my late 20s than I ever was taught growing up. My parents did what they thought was best, but life lessons that I needed were never there. As a parent, I want to equip my children with knowledge about life, and living. I have had more fun in the last few months than I have in my entire life. I can easily say that this has been the best time of my 20s and with my family here, my 30's will be awesome. My depression has lifted, my stomach is better and I'm filling my time with healthy things rather than locking myself in my office and working nonstop. I know it's taken a major hit in my friendships here on FA, Facebook and my stream family, but I'm thankful that all of you were so understanding of what was going on. I'm normally a bubbly and happy person, but when stress hits and depression settles in, I go from naturally happy, to a forced smile to try to make sure no one knows what I'm going through. Suicide was very heavy on my heart and mind last year, which hasn't been the case since the early 2000's, and knowing how far gone down into depression I was still aware of what I was thinking and knew it wasn't right. As the days got worse, none of the right people would listen to me, so I had to try to find alternative ways of pulling myself out of it. Work and art kept me going. You guys on here and in stream kept me going. I was able to find my safe place and have turned my life around completely.
I feel like me, the same person who left the States. I don't feel like I have to meet anyones expectations, or that I've done anything wrong. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and I can finally say bring on the 30's. I know tomorrow is a new chapter of my life. A new number, a new start.
Thats the outlook I'd like to have, and I'm sticking to it. No more sadness, no more depression, no more poorly stomach. Just forward.
Thank you guys for not giving up on me, and cheering me on over the last 2 years. I'm so happy I have you guys even if I've become aloof on the internet.
I'll be reaching the big 30 in about 2 weeks. Not looking forward to it, but I did accomplish a lot in the past decade. Never would have thought I would be a Commercial Pilot.
Love you waifuuuuuuXXX
I admire you so much as a person, and you probably don't realise it but you're an influence and an inspiration for others to do the same.
I have suffered deeply with depression, anxiety and for a long time I was surrounded by people who didn't know how to deal with me. Last year was the loneliest year of my life, when I had problems I was too frightened to go to anyone because I was worried I was going to get judged or that people would get tired of me. You were also going though a hard time and I wish I'd talked to you more about it, we could have helped each other!
I've rekindled my friendship with my old friend group who I selfishly left behind for my lovelife and other reasons. That group of people have done so much for me, listening, wanting to hang out, actually making the effort to ask if I wanted to hang out. It's amazing how much your life can change in a year.
I went to confuzzled with not many friends, and was so anxious and scared when Dash and Taryn spent their time in the dealers den. It however taught me a valuable lesson. I made new friends, hung out with old ones and sometimes I found myself sat at a table of 20 people! I came out of confuzzled realising it was time to be myself. It was so much fun being Bosshog and being the big, scary dom girl. But this isn't me, I'm an anxious, twitchy girl, whose been hurt too many times and likes hugs and sweets, pretty dresses and ice cream and ..yeah, I'll stop lol.. the saddest part is that some people can't accept that I was never that person, saying "they don't know where they stand with me." And that really hurt me, very much. It was like they didn't even see the real me, they just wanted me to be Bosshog, to be a bitch, to be strong. I've left the drama and negatives behind and so have you! And it feels so good!
You and I have learned so much this past year and we have both saved ourselves from something awful, I've learned from your lesson. You and Ellis are wonderful lovely people and I'm honoured to have you both as friends.
I love you, stay strong and I can't wait to see you, Ellis and Bailey. Your new little family!
As time went on, I made a good group of friends towards the end of highschool, and some amazing ones online. I started to not be the bully anymore, but I still was very vulnerable deep down and didn't have the relational skills I needed to properly have a relationship, or a good friendship for that matter. Some of the relationships I had afterward were very abusive and mentally degrading. One boyfriend said I was never allowed to wear nail polish, it was trampy, and I had to start dressing like a girl. I tried, but I didn't have any knowledge on how to do that without looking like an idiot. Another one made me feel like if I wasn't picture perfect, I'd be punished in one form or another. I hate having to watch my step with people, as much as I say "I dont care what you think" I truly do deep down. My personality, and that style of person just doesn't mix.
This is the first time in my life that I can put my foot down and do what I want to, without someone telling me I'm wrong, or my dad telling me I have to fix my face because he didn't like it. I finally have a group of people around me who love me for who I am, and enjoy letting me be me. The quirky, accident prone, quiet girl that I am. You've been one of the most loving people I've met in a long time. I remember telling you how nice you were and your response was "no ones ever called me that." That has stuck with my heart ever since. Bosshog or Bella, you're my Bells. I'll never give up on you, will always give you hugs and cuddles whenever you need it. I see a lot of me in you, and vice versa, and I've always been able to see past your dom and see how loving you are. No one treats Dash better (Sorry taryn!) than you do. I could have only ever wished I had a sister like you in my life. But the lovely bit is, I do now. <3
You're my family, and I'm so proud of you. Be who you want to be, because you've always been gorgeous to me. <3
As Rafiki always says, "it doesn't matter, it's in the past."
Memories and the people within them can haunt and hurt, but that's all they are, memories.
They're stuck in the negativity but more importantly they're part of the past, and that's where they'll stay, because it's the future that counts!
(Some people say it brings bad luck to congratulate before the actual birthday. Don't listen to those.)
:B!!!!
And remember, you're only as old as you want to be.
My experience of my 30s so far has been awesome, and with the attitude you describe I'm sure yours will have every chance on bring the same.
I wish you all the best and hope you have yourself a great birthday.
Onwards and upwards right? I'm glad you have a close network to support you. :)
Growing old is unavoidable
Growing up is optional. :P
And if all else fails if you haven't grown up by the age of 40 you don't have to. So theres a target to aim for :D
and good luck ^.^
Here's to the good times ahead with you, and the good friends i've made over the last year because of the fandom. *hugs*
Hope things continue to improve! Remember this simple financial planning: If it's not worth more having it right now, it's not worth going into debt for!
Happy impending birthday!
I'm glad you finally found a place to feel comfortable! And 30's aren't so bad... the problem is maybe more when people don't realize you're 30 and they talk down to you as being too young. @_@
You especially have had so much go on in your life! You deserve a bit of fun and a break. Good luck lady~
Still really happy that we were able to reconnect. Sometimes all friendships need a little testing I suppose. =)
All the love to you! *hug* ♥♥
When I'm back home again I definitely want to come down again. ;^; I remember how often I'd think about you after the years I went and hid. I definitely missed you more than anyone back then. You've always been such a loving and positive person, a great influence to have around - and no one else Id rather stuff myself into a trunk with. XD
<3 <3 <3 Love you lady!