" It takes guts to get out of the ruts"- Fortune cookie message

I received this fortune cookie message on Monday, June 23. I went out for Chinese food because when I am suffering, comfort food is one of my coping mechanisms. Jin Jin buffet had the comfort food, and I had spent most of that day feeling like I'd been shot in the chest. I'd learned around midnight that a dear friend of mine had passed. Most who knew him called him Najt, or Panfer.

Partly because of my introversion, and partly because I'm not much of a gamer, he and I had drifted apart some over the last few years. The result of this is that I may remember him in ways that seem inconsistent with his character to others who knew him more closely and more recently. Still this is how I remembered him later that night, in my journal, and how I'm choosing to honor that memory. I hope you'll respect that if you choose to read this; and maybe my way of working through the grief of his passing will give some comfort to others who are missing him as I am. I wrote this letter in my journal, and there's a little clarification in a second entry that I'll also share.

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Najt...

I will always remember you.

You only now know how much your being a part of my life has changed it for the better. I wish i could know I had the same impact.

I am sorry I could not see you one more time in this life, but even in this, you have made me a better person.

I love you so much, Little One, and I will honor that memory by always treating myself as you would have wanted.

You would have wanted me to always treasure the fun we had.
I shall.

You would want me to be compassionate and understanding of the circumstances which kept me away from you in body.

I shall.

You would want me to know instead, and remember often, that though I was far away in body, I was ever present in spirit.

I shall.

And you would want me to remember that you were ever in my heart and often on my mind, even though my introversion rarely compelled me to act on it.

This has not changed:
I carry you with me.

You live on in all the ways you made me who I am, and who I will help others to be.

In this way, you will live forever; and not in this way alone, for while everything changes, nothing is ever truly lost.
I may miss your form, but what is greater of you will never be apart from me, and I will honor you by celebrating your life, and bringing more of that thoughtful, quirky, funny and child-like wonder of yours into the world wherever I can.

I will be more playful.

I will take more chances.

I will say "Yes!" as often as I possibly can, and if I say "No", it will be because I choose it, not because of fear or limits someone has placed upon me.

You had a vibrancy, a vivacity that made you be yourself just as hard as you could and damn the consequences. I can think of no better way to remember you than by doing the same.

Thank you so much for grabbing my leash and showing me who I am.

Love,

Nomi <3

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Playfulness, and a willingness to be yourself, gives others the space to be more truly themselves; providing the safety needed for their hearts to be open. Najt did this a lot around me.
In remembering him, and to clarify some of my letter, there are some thoughts I want to record and a few specific ways he helped me to be more myself.

He lived with the knowledge that his time was limited. In others this might seem spoiled, but I don't remember him settling for anything less than what he really wanted, not without a fight anyway.

Having undergone this loss, I will be more able to comfort others. This is of extreme importance to me as a person; being able to empathize opens up a whole new dimension for me. I've never lost a friend before; now I know what it is to have a hole torn in my heart that is the exact shape of the life of a loved one. I can feel my paradigm changing. I can feel myself becoming better for it.

He taught me that I am very much like a large, dangerous predator on a leash. Indeed, the first time he met me, I was wearing a leash and a collar, and he took the leash unabashedly and I was immediately his big bad guard-monster. Docile until provoked, and loving of affectionate treatment and displaying affection, filling a supportive and protective role. It's not entirely a kinky thing for me, but I make a good pet and enjoy being told I'm a good boy. I wouldn't know that without him.

He bought me my first e-cig, back when they were still pretty expensive, and if it hadn't been for him I could never have quit smoking. I would never have even wanted to, probably to this day. I still use tobacco products intermittently, usually on occasions of celebration, but my primary source of nicotine is an eGo e-cig, and I have been known to go for months without even using it now, which would have been unthinkable for anyone who knew me when I met him.

As well, he introduced me to a way I can enjoy a certain medicinal herb. Its combustion byproducts cause an allergic reaction in me, making me violently ill. Introducing me to vaporizers solved that problem should I ever opt to partake.

I literally sleep better every night because he introduced me to binaural tones, and music which could lull me into a trance-like sleep. I still sometimes suffer from middle insomnia and parasomnias including drywall-shattering violent outbursts... but these are so much more rare now. I am so grateful for this.

I am more open to my gender-fluid identity because of at least one conversation we had on the subject, as well as a fluctuating orientation. Most of the people I know either don't get it or outright deny these things about me, but Najt never did.

I have a better understanding of Dominance and submission because of him. Indeed, I wouldn't have been all that inclined to explore kink without his having done so, and by direct result of his being willing to explore things I was opened to them.

Also, he taught me I can be braver and more competent than I thought.
I have a long and complex history of traumas, and as a result, medical environments are potentially triggering for me. And yet the last time I was able to see him, I spent all day in a hospital room. I wouldn't have done this for my own mother at the time, but I did it for him. My fight or flight instincts were screaming and clawing the walls the entire time.... but I was able to lock it down so tightly that I don't think he would have known anything if I hadn't causally mentioned it. I even remember giving a nurse a stern talking-to on his behalf, something I wouldn't even do for myself.

So I know I have the capacity to have courage, and smother my inclination to fear, if I love someone enough.

I'll always be thankful for these, and for the many happy memories. I'll always have stories to tell if anyone wants to hear them. Not a lot of them, but good ones. Maybe one day I'll get to know if I had even close to this kind of impact on you.... and maybe one day, when I'm gone, someone will remember me like this.