I have no idea what Crisco is, but it sounds like some kind of putty/filler for DIY.

its a lard substitute for cooking

Really? Threw me for a loop.

Is it at least "industrial strength"?

I'm not sure, I've heard it makes good fried chicken though

It does not go well on top of bagels, it just makes them soggy and salty.

It's the most notorious evil, pretends to be things it's not. Specially for people who don't read the package first.

I was once on the phone while helping a friend make his own wedding cake when he passed me the wooden ladle. I thought it was frosting, ended up with a mouth full of Crisco. I will never forget the look on his face. Best 8) ever lol

It took hours to get the taste out of my mouth because the crisco waterproofed it.