Do you know it feel, to be stuck between a hard place and a rock? It’s how I feel… I’m stuck between my heart and mind. The will to go forward or to give up, strive for the seeming full impossible or don’t bother. It how I feel. I am stuck on staying close to my one friend who I have strong feelings for… and wanting nothing more then to vanish into thin air and have him forget about me. What is the right choice?

The person I like is mated, I fully respect that… but that is what has in this bind. I want to get close to him as a friend, and hope for something a bit better… but in turn I don’t want to become a factor if things between him and his mate become unstable and fall apart… nor do I want him to be come uncomfortable… My heart tells me to get close to him, as a friend and hope for the best… my mind tells me not to get involved because my hearts seeks more then I wish to risk… Every day I chat with him is like stabbing me with a white hot knife. It’s like I feel lonely, depressed, worried, guilty, yet happy.

I think it just best to disappear and act like I don’t know him. Removing myself from the factor, kill my desire to know him, sever all ties to him… why? To give him the best chance at making his relationship work. I am more then willing to take the suffering and the sorrow that comes alone with driving away the ones you call your friends… if it gives him the best chance of making him happy. But In turn I could hurt him, and I don’t wish to do that to him, because my heart wants to keep close to him. I could try to exterminate all my feeling towards him that is not friendship, distant myself. Smother any attempts to show affection from both sides… drive him away to the point that we are nothing more then two who chat with each other. But I could hurt him the process. And my heart will not allow that.

I could in turn try to close to him, work to earn his respect, try to be of some emotional support as a friend should be… but what about of me? I suffer just as much, knowing I can’t act on any of my emotions, and I could be a stress factor in third relationship and shatter it, then I blame myself… because I got to close to him. I just want him to be happy; I do anything to make sure he is happy, even if it means just walking away and forgetting. He is happy with his mate, despite his fears. And I feel if I get close to him. I could be the cause if things fell apart… and I hate myself if I did that.

But what about me? I give so much of myself out to other, and ask nothing in return. I act like an adviser to all my friends and ask nothing more then to be happy. I willing to share the things I learn, seen and felt to that make the best of choice. I have been a mender of friendships and couples. I am the rock for those who need it. And I never ask for anything in turn. I hardly seek anything for myself, because I feel like I not worth it. I can’t bring myself into asking for or wanting anything that will make me happy… knowing that I will lose in in a little while afterwards

One person I know for a while called me a martyr… I help others even if it causes me pain… may it be physical, emotional or other. I will show them happiness and I will how them the best part about themselves. Yet… I sit here… No self respect, no faith in myself. I feel crushed and trampled. Just like a lone flower growing from the crack in the sidewalk, something to brighten someone days, only to be forgotten when I am no longer need. My ability to put up feeling that other want to see is a skill I have mastered in my 11 years of depression… a mask. I show what others want to see to be happy, as I die a bit day by day inside… them being none the wiser. Make me hard to read at an emotion level… unless you seen me happy…truly happy. Then I am just as easy to read as a child’s book.

But I never happy for longer then a few moments. I have a small stint when someone thanks me for my advice and it worked for them… or when I do something wonderful and get praised for it… but who does not? The number of times in the past 5 years I had a bounce in my step, I full toothed grin and a good real laugh… maybe… maybe 14-15 times. When I was with Dragyn, I was content happy… until he started to question thing. Then thing went down hill for me. We slowly drifted apart and agreed to go out own ways as lovers… And with stripes I loved him…I was happy when we chatted… I wanted to make things work… but the distant was too much and he was hurting so I gave him up so he could find someone better for him.

Yet I was anxious to have coffee with this one guy when that one day came creeping around. I had a bounce in my step… one that I never expect to come back to me as I walked to the coffee shop we agreed to meet at. When he gets there I was happy, content… much like I was before my I feel back into my depression after Stripes and I parted ways. I LOVE the time around I spend around him… it like my whole body, my soul, my heart was alive… I felt like I was once more alive.

I know most of you think I’m nut when I said that, and you’re thinking: “Dummy you are alive.” But let me clear things up. I feel emotion drained and dead, my body may be alive, but I don’t feel my age… I feel like I lived a full life time of pain and lessons… yet I lived only 21 years. I’m still young but I feel like I’m 40, if not older…

Here is the ringer. He does not want me to leave him, He wants me to be a friend to him… yet I to this moment, I wish I just walked away when I told him my farewell, yet he wanted me to stay… he asked me why I wanted to leave, but that is hard to do on a mobile phone. So I stayed…. I believe the best gift of love is to give them up when you know you can’t make them happy, so that they can find someone who can.

I feel that if I walk away it could be the best thing that would happen to him. But he tells me he likes me as a friend and really don’t want to walk way from that knowing if I did it would pain him… so this is my issues, a conflict of heart and mind. A battle between my desires to be happy and my desire to see him happy. And I myself stuck in the middle, torn in half be my want and desires. I’m at my breaking point… I can’t take it, I feel like a land mine…one wrong step and BOOM someone is now scarred. I really hope he reads this, because I have the inability to express everything I want and need to express without feeling greedy… unless I go to great lengths to explain myself and my actions and feeling.

I beg you all, who know who I talk about not to say his name. But you’re welcome to post…. As well as your welcome to talk to me via msn/yahoo or note me… now it’s my turn to ask for your help, strength and advice… I like a new born when it comes to my feelings for I been out of my depression no more then a full year.

I know what I must do, I am so stubborn, I should follow my heart... and temper it with my mind... I followed my cold logic for far to long avoiding pain that I can avoid... but it not helping to following logic. so I know my course of action. I make a promise. I will not fail, I can not fail. I can't afford to fail.