FA+
Shop
Losing it
11 years ago
I've been told by many I've known that I need help and it's becoming rather abundantly clear how far I've cracked. When at work I can still reel in my emotions and keep them down without lashing out. But at home, I just don't have control anymore. In the past two nights, little minor stuff that I can't fix or should just not worry about has put me to a point where I'm hitting walls/doors in rage.
I hate docs. Been to multiple and between not listening and getting passed from one to another like a game of hot potato I have had no desire to actually deal with them any more. Every doc just wants to throw me on meds within seconds of talking to me, and I try to explain to them that just about every med I've been on I react differently than most the population to I get the response along the lines "Oh you'll be fine." THESE ARE THINGS THAT ARE DESIGNED TO FUCK AROUND IN YOUR HEAD! When the base painkillers after a surgery that has everyone feeling all nice and happy has me at full rage, or absolutely sick, I'm going to be concerned. That isn't to add on to the concern that I get to a point of requiring a pill to act like a human being, I can't help but to wonder at that point from there on out if it isn't just the pill that's me anymore.
The only reason I'm even back to looking at this is the day after I'm told I need to find help by yet another person who knows how I feel about doctors that I need help. I was told something by a friend that... just hacked me off. I tried to ignore and tried to ignore, then when I got home I just started hitting the door to my room until I saw red on the door. At this stage both hands are hurting and I'm frustrated that I picked a job that if I break something I have to hide it because I can't afford to have a broken limb.
I just don't know where to go to get that help. I don't know what to do if that help needs me to take meds that keeps me from doing my work. I'd rather not my family see me having to do that where I was too weak to pull it on my own like my dad did. There are so few that I see daily that knows how my emotions are that if they start changing badly that they'd notice. No most would just attest it to moodyness or something like that.
I just don't know anymore... just this is more or less a moment to vent, plus a warning that I am pretty unstable so that if you can't be dealing with someone who's rapid to anger and frustration, just keep your distance. I don't blame you if you do, most of you have your own shit to deal with without having to fight mine.
I hate docs. Been to multiple and between not listening and getting passed from one to another like a game of hot potato I have had no desire to actually deal with them any more. Every doc just wants to throw me on meds within seconds of talking to me, and I try to explain to them that just about every med I've been on I react differently than most the population to I get the response along the lines "Oh you'll be fine." THESE ARE THINGS THAT ARE DESIGNED TO FUCK AROUND IN YOUR HEAD! When the base painkillers after a surgery that has everyone feeling all nice and happy has me at full rage, or absolutely sick, I'm going to be concerned. That isn't to add on to the concern that I get to a point of requiring a pill to act like a human being, I can't help but to wonder at that point from there on out if it isn't just the pill that's me anymore.
The only reason I'm even back to looking at this is the day after I'm told I need to find help by yet another person who knows how I feel about doctors that I need help. I was told something by a friend that... just hacked me off. I tried to ignore and tried to ignore, then when I got home I just started hitting the door to my room until I saw red on the door. At this stage both hands are hurting and I'm frustrated that I picked a job that if I break something I have to hide it because I can't afford to have a broken limb.
I just don't know where to go to get that help. I don't know what to do if that help needs me to take meds that keeps me from doing my work. I'd rather not my family see me having to do that where I was too weak to pull it on my own like my dad did. There are so few that I see daily that knows how my emotions are that if they start changing badly that they'd notice. No most would just attest it to moodyness or something like that.
I just don't know anymore... just this is more or less a moment to vent, plus a warning that I am pretty unstable so that if you can't be dealing with someone who's rapid to anger and frustration, just keep your distance. I don't blame you if you do, most of you have your own shit to deal with without having to fight mine.
*hugs* I hope you can find the help you need soon and without losing employment, or being forced onto drugs. I'd help you if I could, but I didn't get real good sleep today, and kinda grumpy myself. Oh yeah, and still gotta go back to work on Tuesday. Ugh. Wish my supervisor was nicer; maybe we wouldn't lose people so much. When we go back to three people, I just feel like everything falls back on me. Gonna be tired at the end of next week, I just know it.
Ask around NARFA. Aubrin has a medical background, and Ryngs knows more about a myriad of herbal and other substances, among many other things, than anyone else I've spoken with.