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Don't. Be. That. Guy.
11 years ago
General
My husband and I held a picnic in the park for our friends just the other day. We tossed the Frisbee around, played ladder ball and managed to throw one of those impossibly far-flying ring things without getting it permanently stuck in some trees. We all had a pretty good time, despite it being in a sort of closed-in section of the park. At one point, my old roomies showed up with potato salad and watermelon. When they came to the table, my friend’s husband, known for being one of those shock-jock, “I’ll say whatever I want because muh freedoms,” 4chan-frequenting, republican, racist-when-it-really-comes-down-to it /b-tard, sees the watermelon being cut. I wish I could physically cut him from my life, but I HAVE to put up with him – he’s the love of my friend’s life, for some reason. As soon as we pass it around, I see the look on his face: and it looks like he wants to make some stupid joke at my expense, you know, because I’m black and racism is funny, or whatever. So he offers me some watermelon. Now, being a human being that loves all kinds of fruit but is also hyper-aware of his tendency to be an asshole just to get a rise out of people, I decline. Then he fucking places a piece of fried chicken on top of it and says “how about now?” Most people watching laugh weakly, or say “ooohh…that’s bad.” I get so mad I can’t see straight, and walk off for a minute to give my brain the chance to refrain from killing him. He chases me down and fake-apologizes, and I say “fake” because we all know he is a proud white-privileged dick head who KNOWS straight white men have all the power in the world, and flaunts it. Relishes it. Knows that he can get treated better by the general public because he’s a white guy. Is admired by his peers because of his sexy Asian wife. And has no sympathy for others about being jerk.
He catches up, I tell him that he’s a racist piece of shit, he laughs, hugs me, says the good ol’ reliable “You know I’m not really racist, just a joke” fare, and walks over to his wife.
I don’t want to make a stink about it during the picnic. I don’t want to call him out for being dickhead because I want everyone to have a good time. I have to severely sit on my feelings to make everyone feel better. And I’m still seething about it days later.
I have run the gamut on dealing with racism in my lifetime, having been told/asked: “there’s no such thing as black goths,” “black women can’t play videogames,” “I bet rap is your favorite,” “I didn’t think black people listened to classical music,” “oh you’re one of those Oreos,” “I don’t like brown people,” “you don’t sound like black,” “stop acting white,” etc. Hell, I have experienced enough colorism (getting racial hate from other black people who are darker/lighter than me) to last a life time. Being a racist is bad enough, and I can’t tell you how much I HATE the kinds of people that like to pretend to be racist for fun. To get a rise out of people. I’ve been through enough racist bullshit in my life, and I don’t need any more of it. If you are one of those people that has got to be racist for fun, don’t ever talk to me again. I’m tired of taking one for the team and just rolling with somebody’s racist comments. Don’t. Do. It. I'm a minority, ha ha ha, I fucking get it.
“BUT MURPHY, you should tell him how you feel!”
The problem is, me telling him my feelings are hurt because he said that to someone he’s known for a long time would do nothing. He calls his own wife a chink or a buckethead or slanty-eyes. He tells his own wife “lol get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.” He won’t change his ways, he won’t care he’s hurt my feelings, he’ll think I’m too sensitive, and he won’t care that we all know he acts like a dick. He’s fine with who he is. And as long as he has his cute little wife who puts up with anything he does, has his babies, tolerates his racist jokes and makes him dinner, everything is fine for him. As long as he has a wife and a shit-ton of [future] children, because that is exactly (I’m actually quoting him) “the whole point of being alive,” everything’s great for him. So while I can tell his wife that he needs to be drug out into the street and shot, nothing will matter.
And for anyone who thinks I’m over-reacting? Last time I checked, I don’t think I should have to deal with negative racial stereotypes. I have the right to get pissed off. I have a goddamn right to be offended by /b-tard racist-ass humor when it is thrown into my face.
GOD, I hope he’s barren.
--DON'T MARRY ASSHOLES, EVERYBODY--
He catches up, I tell him that he’s a racist piece of shit, he laughs, hugs me, says the good ol’ reliable “You know I’m not really racist, just a joke” fare, and walks over to his wife.
I don’t want to make a stink about it during the picnic. I don’t want to call him out for being dickhead because I want everyone to have a good time. I have to severely sit on my feelings to make everyone feel better. And I’m still seething about it days later.
I have run the gamut on dealing with racism in my lifetime, having been told/asked: “there’s no such thing as black goths,” “black women can’t play videogames,” “I bet rap is your favorite,” “I didn’t think black people listened to classical music,” “oh you’re one of those Oreos,” “I don’t like brown people,” “you don’t sound like black,” “stop acting white,” etc. Hell, I have experienced enough colorism (getting racial hate from other black people who are darker/lighter than me) to last a life time. Being a racist is bad enough, and I can’t tell you how much I HATE the kinds of people that like to pretend to be racist for fun. To get a rise out of people. I’ve been through enough racist bullshit in my life, and I don’t need any more of it. If you are one of those people that has got to be racist for fun, don’t ever talk to me again. I’m tired of taking one for the team and just rolling with somebody’s racist comments. Don’t. Do. It. I'm a minority, ha ha ha, I fucking get it.
“BUT MURPHY, you should tell him how you feel!”
The problem is, me telling him my feelings are hurt because he said that to someone he’s known for a long time would do nothing. He calls his own wife a chink or a buckethead or slanty-eyes. He tells his own wife “lol get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.” He won’t change his ways, he won’t care he’s hurt my feelings, he’ll think I’m too sensitive, and he won’t care that we all know he acts like a dick. He’s fine with who he is. And as long as he has his cute little wife who puts up with anything he does, has his babies, tolerates his racist jokes and makes him dinner, everything is fine for him. As long as he has a wife and a shit-ton of [future] children, because that is exactly (I’m actually quoting him) “the whole point of being alive,” everything’s great for him. So while I can tell his wife that he needs to be drug out into the street and shot, nothing will matter.
And for anyone who thinks I’m over-reacting? Last time I checked, I don’t think I should have to deal with negative racial stereotypes. I have the right to get pissed off. I have a goddamn right to be offended by /b-tard racist-ass humor when it is thrown into my face.
GOD, I hope he’s barren.
--DON'T MARRY ASSHOLES, EVERYBODY--
If I thought this guy was the sort of person who could understand what it's saying, I'd suggest you send it his way. Sadly, I doubt he could. Bottom line, it really doesn't matter whether he really is a racist or not. What matters is that shit was unacceptable, and everyone in your circle of friends should know it.
I'm sorry you had to endure that on what seemed to be, in all other ways, a pretty nice day.
Yeah, it was a nice day...except for that part, and when he tried to do it again during a game of Cards Against Humanity.
So foul. Like srsly.
:c I'm sorry you have to experience it friend.
That's just SUPER lame that he's a d-bag doing it all the time and he even does it to his own wife... :C
Yes, her husband is...a real piece of work, to put it lightly. If by work you mean a waste-of-skin who takes joy in doing nothing to advance societal norms further. Unless it's, you know, making sure one of their friends is constantly reminded that they are a 2nd-class citizen in the eyes of America.
And I think by now if I had experienced this person, I would have punched him in the face.
Straight out.
I'm really sorry you've had to deal with this sort of crap for some time now. It's really some shit when a person who considers you to be a friend constantly does something completely disrespectful to you and thinks they can erase the entire issue by just apologizing, or as you said "fake apologizing." Actions speak way more than words, don't just use an apology like a get out of jail card, just simply quit being an ass.
Anyway i hope that guy lays off of you. Just remember you have people who are on your side.
You know what I wish? I wish there was a law put in place that permitted you a single sucker-punch to anyone that makes jokes about persons of color/non-white people. Just one, good solid punch in the facial region. One per joke, at least. And then maybe that person gets to sit through a history lesson about racism. Or maybe they get to eat a pie full of live scorpions wearing KKK hats, their choice.
Much thanks. Glad to know there are friends on my side. <3
http://www.upworthy.com/a-ted-talk-.....ty-fantastic-7
While it deals more with feminism and abuse, it can be turned towards racism too. In order for things to change, the people involved - in this case, white males - need to stand up to each other when one of their own is being racist/sexist/etc. I'm rather bothered that no one there stood up for you; "Oh that's bad" is not enough. That kind of thing is so many levels of awful and you were visibly upset by it. It would be one thing if you and him were good buddies and you two had an understanding (like Tora, who is Indian, and I) but for goodness sake, you were so uncomfortable and then mad that you had to leave. Wasn't Lydia even the least bit upset about this herself? Just because she doesn't mind his jokes at her expense doesn't mean she should be okay with him doing that to you.
Just... ugh.
I totally agree with you. The only way that things will ever be able to change is if those in power, AKA straight white [sometimes religious] men, pay attention to issues of equality and acceptance. It would be wonderful if I could be seen as an equal to white people, but with people like him around, I'm always going to be seen as some kind of 2nd class citizen who just happens to be luck enough to live in "post-racial America." Post-racial, my ass.
God, she's a peach, but she's also a flake when it comes to her husband upsetting people. This is a woman who married a guy that openly calls her racist shit for fun. She can be a bit racist herself when she hangs around him too long, too. I plan on talking to her about his behavior towards me, because I know in my heart if I told him myself, he'd just make up excuses. She'll at least listen to me, and it will make me feel SO much better to let her know that I --really-- dislike her husband's behavior.